Fille; Rayhana
"We must never confuse elegance with snobbery." -Yves Saint Laurent.
Karma, Retribution, etc etc.
2 more weeks baby. Take that. Now if I can only pass my optimism and patience and whatever it was that helped me survive to my friends who are not enjoying theirs. May God help them. And help those who are making my friends' SIP hell.
Karmaaa.
Swim Swam Swum
Just when I thought I'd at least get my once-a-week swim aka exercise, I caaan't. Shoot. What with Mommy Nature having these outbursts. High 5 babe, high 5. Heee.
You'd think someone was holding me at gun point, what with me updating. Haha. Nothing's in my brain currently to write. It's been me, MRT, my work desk, the computer, the crusty keyboard (UBER GROSS), the toilet, the occasional 'naps', stoning for half the day. Yuppp, nothing much. It's a cycle really these past 9 weeks. 3 more babyyy.
I used up my sanitiser too for these 9 weeks too. Sigh. All thanks to my paranoia with public toilets. Oh and I really ought to scrub clean that keyboard. Seriously, it looks like someone just dumped truckloads of bacteria there.
So, I guess I'll just accumulate the carbs and sugars and all that toxic I've consumed and bring it forward to next week.
I really gotta watch what I eat and how much. I mean, I have to start chewing my food more. Like, 30 chews per spoonful. Ok, I do not need to get held at gun point to freak out. Thinking of eating wisely is already freaking me out.
Good night sweets.
"And maybe then we'd remember to slow down."
Go On, Go On, It's Ok.
It's sad to think that once upon a time I could just paste what was on my mind onto this blog of mine. Or paste it onto my mouth and spit it out. Well, that's all in the past. Well, there's no more things to easily spit out. They're getting complicated. There's a filter now. Or rather, anti-virus software?
Har of course that's crap but honestly, I've learnt, we can't say whatever it is we want. We have to keep some of it to our own small precious hearts. Why you say? Well, so that you could keep certain aspects of your life to yourself, all private.
But I think it's a fantastic thing not to let people know your secrets. In short, not to be too vocal. I am afraid I am turning into one from these past weeks.
I let stupid inconsiderate people get to me. And in my heart, I keep thinking I wanna teach them a lesson. But, after what mama told me, who am I to do so? What good is going to come out of embarassing them? Sure, you feel 'victorious', but soon, when the day's over and you reflect, you feel like such a monster. A sick monster who likes to hurt people.
I only wish I could get away to a place where I can collect my thoughts and feelings and rearrange my life. I've been going too fast that I am afraid I've left the Rayhana I've loved behind. Why can't I have a better grip on her?
I just don't know. Things have been changing. Well, one thing I've learnt is to be strong. Bring that frown upwards into a smile. Heart of a warrior. Cos that's what I am. A warrior.
Can't Do It Alone.
"Oh I wish my arms were wider, I wish that I could hide you so you could rest and repair without the blanket of sorrow."
Soggy Bra & My Conscience
Do not ask, the title. It's just laundry gone wrong. Ok, let's steer away from that shall we sweets?
Near subdued, yes. But I haven't seen Junior for such a long time so to heavens with lack of sleep. So anyway, it's funny really. The irony of things. People. Whatever.
Well, first, I thought that SIP was gonna be a complete piss. But Alhamdulillah, it turned out well. I was so dead focused on making it an enjoyable experience that it came true. So I guess I can actually brighten my life all by myself. Hehe strong me.
On a waaay separate note, I just wanna
So many goddamn people didn't finish their meal. I mean, like 3/4 of it?! What the heck where you thinking manusia? Are you daft or something? People are DYING from hunger and poverty and yet here you are, buying more than you can hold and throwing it away.
Is it that hard to say, "Less please?" Too heavy a mouth eh? Ok, you can say what if we didn't know that the portion was big? Well, again, too heavy a mouth to request to the waiter to put the remaining food into a doggy bag?
It hurts me everytime people leave their meal unfinished. If I was the cleaner, well, words fail me. Really. I am not being emotional or anything like that, but please, think for a moment.
We have causes supporting poverty, hunger etc etc but we can't even do things right at the basic level? This is what I call irony. Damn irony.
We have health magazines saying that we should leave some food portions unfinished because that supposedly helps us to curb weight gain. Bullshayt I say. It's simple. Just ask for lesser portions dear magazine journalists/ health consultants/ health conscious people.
Or even better yet, don't even bother buying. Bring your own food huh? That way, you know how much exactly is enough for your 'big' tummies. Oh and you can save $$$ too. The amount saved can be donated to the countries where they would confirm guarantee chop lick their plates clean.
I am not bazooka-ing people with small appetites. I am not bazooka-ing anyone by being preachy. Just... buy what you can afford. Yes it applies to our tummies too. I am sure the sellers won't mind serving you lesser. In fact, they would prefer that. Less expenditure wasted. Right?
And if you really can't finish, PACK. It's that simple. Get off your maximus glutimus and ask the seller to pack it for you. Boy I am glad we all learnt how to communicate w people. See it's a useful thing.
How would you feel if you had a party and people simply threw away huge amounts of unfinished food right in your face? It would make you feel under-appreciated right? You would feel all your efforts went wasted.
It's simple things like this that make the world a better place. I am ashamed w people who thinks that it's 'cool' to not finish their food. Is it a trend really? Because nearly everyone's doing it. Even guys who supposedly have bigger appetites?
Well, if it really is a trend, then you people following it are numbskulls. Really. And I do not wish to apologise for what I have said. It's the truth and I am just stating my say in this 'phenomenon'. Or rather, catastrophe.
C'mon, we know that it's considered sinful in some religions. So why do it? Too much a saint that's why you want some sins? Well, I dunno about you but to me, we are far from saints.
Well, in my view, there really should be a campaign for this. ANTI-WASTE campaign. The economy's bad we should be curbing whatever it is we are wasting.
Or maybe I should just export these people to 3rd world countries. Maybe they'd enjoy it. Hey, they'd rejoice cos the countries hardly have food. Hallelujah if that happens!
Anyone who knows of any campaigns supporting anti-waste of food, please, spread it. I would support it 100%.
Again, I would like to make a disclaimer: I am not attacking anyone I am just simply letting my concerns out.
Don't talk about saving this saving that and making tall order promises when you can't even do the simplest right thing in your life.
"It's just my humble opinion
But it's one I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you"
Golden Blonde-y Dreams
I've been having some weird dreams this past few days. Oklah, I have weird dreams like every day but I choose to document them cos I really have time on my hands (i.e. in the office heh) so here goes.
I dreamt I took over Mimi's place at school for one day as she was sick. Lame or what. And the faci didn't even realise that. Haaa. Than, the most precious one is... Here's coming at youuu...
Eera cut her hair into a pixie cut and dyed it GOLDEN BLONDE. Oh my rainbows what was she thinking, I thought. She was actually proud of it. Hahahaha.
Damn I have such wild dreams. Then I have been dreaming about my friends alot. That means alot ok. Haha.
Ohohoh and I dreamt of Mochaman. Like the first time. And it was focused on him. Wow. I don't even dream of Robert and here Mochaman is, in my dreams. Even Latteman doesn't appear in my dreams.
Speaking of caffeine-related stuff, I had coffee twice in one day and I became a manic. Serious. I had a few hours left to the end of the day and I was free so there I was shaking my leg, tapping the desk, clicking everywhere on the computer.
So lesson learnt? Never ever drink coffee twice in one day. And now I can't sleep. Sighhh.
Breakfast with the Matsom clan tomorrow followed by a much needed shopping trip w mama. I don't care I am gonna buy Body Shop's Shea Butter lip balm. Time to splurge babyyy.
Ok I am annoying people by emailing them during office hours. Haha I don't care. Ohohoh and I have a Japanese colleague who speaks Bahasa Indonesia. Coool shaaat.
Ok au revoir for now loooves.
War Paint
My scars. My marks. Are not disfigurations. I used to think they were and I despised them so v much. Well, I stopped being so hard on myself and now, I am proud to say they are my war paint.
Without them, I wouldn't be as strong as I am now. So yes, I am proud to say, I am a person who has so many outstanding imperfections and flaws.
I finally see the light at the end of the goddamn tunnel.
Love.
I Wonder
I wonder, what would they say if I backpacked and go round the world helping others instead of staying here and become a slave to my 'dreams'? What would they say if I slapped some courage into myself to tell him what's been in my mind all this while?
I wonder, what would they say if I just break out from all this restraints that society imposes on us? What would they say if I really told them what I feel all this while? What would they say if I broke my silence all this while?
I wonder, what would they say if I told them all I wanted to do was turn the clock back and be the child I was? All carefree? What would they say if I told them all I wanted was to have those I lost come back to me?
I wonder, what would they say if I told them there's this pain in me? This ignorance? This paranoia? What would they say to all these questions I have?
I wonder, what would they say if I told them that there's this cluster of stupid people whom I let make me feel so under-appreciated?
Would they believe that I can be the person who believes in the sunshine and the rainbow after the rain yet crumbles when she's by herself?
I wouldn't believe myself if I did all this. Would you?
Who'd Have Known
I am not gonna bitch about i................p but I dig doing things that I found to be remotely boring before. For example, I traced over words with my pen. I wrote in my make-shift diary, aka on recycled company paper (So sue me I wanna save the Earth), I typed using the computer's screen keyboard and the magnifier. I really cracked up at that one. Cracked up so hard that people thought I was surfing the Net.
Take that people I can have fun without going on Facebook, Twitter etc. I know this is bad, but I begin to lose myself during these past 5 weeks. It's like I am trying to fit being what I am supposedly supposed to be, that is, a matured person in the working world. Well, yes we have to be during the 12 weeks but I don't like abandoning the usual me.
The crazy, nonsense, psychotic etc etc... me. All I wanna do is wear my maxis, sundresses, my flats, my bags, my bangles, my rings, my colourful clothes. All I wear nowadays are black, black and more black. I look so frumpy.
It's driving me insane. If this is just an insight, I am really afraid of what I'll be when I enter the working world. Thank God there's still my friends and girlfriends to help me feel, well, teenage-y again.
Well, this teenager is going to sleep. And I am going to enjoy these last 3 months before I turn 20 and officially an adult. But what matters is how we feel inside. Age is just a number. So cliche but that is true.
Hmmm... I want long hair ASAP. If only extensions were allowed than I would totally go for it.
All I Ever Wanted
"And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable
Distance
And up until now I swore to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well...
You are the only exception."
Too lazy to write. So just a quote from me. Off to make my lunch for tomorrow, iron my clothes and watch Fringe. Sigh.
Countdooown
2 down 10 more babyyy. I think I gained wayyy more weight than before Puasa. I've been eating ketupat, rendang, sambal goreng etc etc for 4 days straight now. And had my fair share of
On the bright side, I am staying upbeat about SIP. La dee dah...
It's an adventure, not torture
Blogspot really annoys the hell out of me. I can't change the font so guess I'll have to bear with it.
So anyway, I have decided that the only way SIP is going to be fun is if I psyche myself that it is. How can we be positive and optimistic if all we think about is fear and paranoia? Right? I've been placed in situations where I was all alone, surrounded with strangers.
I think if I managed to go through those situations, I'll be fine now. It's just like the first day of poly life. I got so freaked out thinking about how I am gonna survive in TP for 3 years and the next thing you know, my 3 years are coming to an end. It's all in the mind people.
We will survive if we keep being strong. Heck, even if you're not, fake it. You'll soon believe you are. Soon.
Man this is refreshing, blogging. After all these days. Now I shall sleep and prep myself up for Wednesday for it's a new adventure and not a torture.
All these things should make me happy
Ok just realised you gotta have nimble fingers to use smartphones. Anyway just came here to say that,
I think I know what I need now. Do you?
Goodnight sweets.
My Bitter Heart
So strange, me. I make so much effort in making my blog the way I want it to be. And that includes poring over so many skins to get the perfect one. I just hope I don't plan on changing any soon. Cos if I do so I am gonna beam my derriere up to space.
I can't imagine myself being in the IT line. I'd be wearing a telescope for sight by the time I am 20 if I am. *Shudder*
Ok, finally I am off to Lalaland. Btw, Mama and Dad are finally back home!!! Whooop.
*Dances off in glee*
No New Tale To Tell
The world is a very small place.
Life without parents would be a $^%^#^$#$&*&*(%#$@#!$. I would know. I just got crazy without them today.
Being alone at home the whole darn day is torture.
I need to start preparing for Mains.
Facebook wants to be my nemesis.
Twitter is officially my cyber best friend. It lets me talk and talk and talk... w/o answering back or being judgmental.
My dream handphone still refuses to appear.
I like writing in short bursts. That have no relation with one another.
I think my head is filled with drunk drills.
I think there's a link between Twitter and me writing in short bursts. Cause and effect or something.
Ok seriously, I feel so empty when my parents are away. You would think no nagging and the stuff they do that annoy you would make you wanna throw a party of the century or something, but nooo. I miss them like fudge. I think I need outside air.
Eeee, jiran kaulah!!! My mouse is faltering. And now Audrey wants to die. C'mon dude, it's only been 3 years.
*Dances off*
Imma...
Imma...
Drag my boots out of my wardobe and take them for a walk.
Buy extensions and colourise my fringe.
Drag myself out from the doldrums and make myself happy by living in fashion again.
Buy more rings.
Buy makeup for next week.
Window shop and maybeee buy too.
Have a day out in town and rock my socks off with ma babes.
Lepak at our lepak corner with ma babes.
Trimtrimtrim! I look like Stuart from MadTV. !!!
But first, gotta go through next week's tests and find money. Haha. My hands jiggle slightly whenever I withdraw money.
(continued...)
Get on board the first plane of the day that flies to SF and go on a roadtrip from SF to LA to LV which involves shopping and going to the places I love (Hellooo Fisherman's Wharf). Then catch a plane back home.
Better yet, get on board any plane.
Grab a car and drive. Anywhere. Except here.
Run around and find a carnival and get on all the rides. Cept those rides that go in circles.
Go to the beach and walk around.
Go to any restaurant that serves mexican and clam chowder.
Abolish girls who insist that they speak in a volume rock concerts would be proud of.
I think all I need is a trip out. I am getting sick of S'pore. Or maybe all I need is just an 18-hour butt-numbing plane ride.
Helloooooooo Recklesss Me.
Think Think
I am not supposed to think about you. But guess what? I've been thinking of you excessively. Hohum, like I care.
Bruno oh Bruno
The @$#%^ called Eczema
You would think that I would close this blog down or something, but no sireee. I wished I would continue blogging more often like before. Oh well, blame it on Twitter. So anyways, something's been bugging me like hell but as you all know, I won't tell you what it is.
I've let myself down by succumbing to this !#&!^. I am becoming a hermit day by day. And trust me, it's for my own good. I guess. Arghhh. I think, I am gonna have to make decisions that will affect things. But I am sick of having to put others before myself therefore I am just going to go ahead with whatever I have decided.
I can't afford to go out there and make a fool out of myself by becoming a minor freak show. Other than those events I already said I'd go and project meetings, I am staying in.
It's funny really. How much stronger and patient can one be? I've tried so hard to not crack but yet, I cracked and the horrible happens. I am just tired. So tired. Of covering up every single effing detail. And I am not just talking about normal details. Physical details.
Sigh. The least people around me could do is just let me be. Stop staring. I know most of the times it's just in my head but still there are some. Please stop it. I don't need your stares. What's already here is hurting me enough.
Please, if I cancel anything last minute, it's not that I am doing it for fun. Please I know when to be serious. Just try to have some empathy and understand. No sympathies cos I have had too much of it and I have buckled because of it. Maybe you say I am overreacting and making a big fuss. But try having this !&%#! for such a long time.
So much so that it has taken a huge bite of my confidence and happiness and optimism. So much so that I have given up on being the person I had built so hard. All I can say is, my family have been giving me the strength I need so much. And thank you so much, Allah for giving me strength and keimanan. I don't think I would have gone this far had I not remembered you.
But please, end all this. Too much tears have fallen.
I honestly have nothing much to blog but for my sanity's sake, I need to do type. Twitter is making me go all ARGHHH. It's so user-unfriendly. Yes, I am on Twitter. Cos I find that it's addictive, having these updates about yourself that are so random and short. Unlike a blog.
Cos lately I have been having a block in my brain. Either that or nothing extra ordinary is happening. Well, there is but it's for me to know and for you to well, not know. Hehehe. But don't worry, I am gonna attempt to jumpstart my hidden abilities, that is, telekinetisis. Haha, whatever. Not even sure that's the right spelling.
Argh, so, need to sleep now. Warning has sounded off. And you know who is doing that.
Peace.
thoughts oh thoughts...
Have you ever gotten the feeling that sometimes, you feel so overwhelmed, even by the slightest thing, that you just have to be far from where you are right now? To be so far away so that you get to have a different perspective of life? To be so far that you are finally able to let loose completely and not have to be the person that others expect you to be?
It's weird, but sometimes, I feel as if I am not really where I am. Sometimes I just lose my bearing. I bet if I snuck out from wherever I am and board a random bus, people won't even notice. Kinda sad huh? But it's nice sometimes to be able to do that. Makes us feel that we're not so big and important.
That the world doesn't revolve around us. We could climb on top of a building and scream or whatever and people won't even care or notice. Unless you jump off or something. Sigh. Don't mind my rantings today. I am just feeling kinda... sedated. Kinda contradicting eh? Calm yet so many unsettling thoughts.
Ngantukngantuk.
all i want is a sledgehammer
Au Revoir late nights.
Au Revoir brain-numbing activities.
Au Revoir to life as I knew it.
For I am going to change. I am going to be optimistic. Hard-working. Keep darling away from me with a ten-foot pole. Stop facebook-ing like a fanatic.
Wonders of my determination.
Call me Ironwoman.
I am falling again. Die.
Update.
Amazing. Nearly a month w/o blogging. Facebook must be that appealing. So I am blogging for the sake of updating. Ambik kau Eera! Haha. Oh I just realised that S Factor is just a show about boobs, boobs and more boobs. Oh and mindless bimbos. Sorry to stereotype but seriously, are they so dumb? The show is degrading. Nyahaha just my two cents.
So... had to go MIA for class chalet again. Don't ask. I am just trying to pack my last week before school starts with outings and lepakings and mindless fun. I am kinda dreading school. Guess that's cos I've been enjoying the freedom too long. Oh well, looking forward to calculus.
Oh well, shall not clog my blog with senseless thoughts.
Wanted: A Pale-ing Machine
Yes I meant every word in the title. I look like I just came back from Hawaii and that is so not true. I just wanna slop some white paint on my face and we're done. So I got back from LA in the wee hours of Saturday. I actually missed Friday as a result! Wheee the wonders of the world. Managed to dodge this little devil called the jet lag. Yay me!
So what did I do in LA? Let's see. Went to Disneyland but didn't get to strike a pose with either Mickey or Minnie. I even got Mickey running away from me. Think the guy in the suit was late for his change in schedule or something. Gee how swell. But I ain't complaining.
Went to Universal Studios, Warner Brother Studios (where I had a chance encounter with John Stamos, and I consider myself lucky to have even seen a celebrity), etc etc. I'll let the photos do the talking. Which will be longer cos I am such a pain in the butt when it comes to uploading them.
But what made the vacation complete was that I got to drive a car! Hahaha and mind you I had to drive on the left side. Poor Mum was in the car so had to endure my v abrupt and sharp and jerky brakes and oh-too-fast acceleration. I tell you, up until then, I thought you had to hit on the acceleration thingy so hard in order to go at a decent speed. Well I know better now.
Got a v bad earful from Dad, my 'instructor' who clearly thought I sucked at reversing. Hahahaha. Well, at least I didn't crash the car or ram it into the highway straight into incoming traffic. Whooop that was a nice experience. You know, again I felt so upset when I thought about the fact that I was unlikely to experience the same hospitality and civilisation I got from LA when I reached home.
But hey, who said S'pore was so bad? I still am glad to be home. Wasn't so glad bout the heat though. I am still adjusting. I know, pathetic and oh so melodramatic. Ok, all I want now is an outing with my girls. And no, I made the yearn to shop go on hold. I had enough moolahs falling out of my pocket in LA.
Peace.
Monday... was nice!
I finally met up with Farah today after all the delays and sibuk-ness (haha mainly on my part). Sushi date was great but after that, I think we need to find a cheaper sushi place. My pocket's leaving a hole. Sigh. But it was really great catching up. We shall have more dates. Provided we both either a) Get a job so we won't be declared bankrupt or b) Start robbing banks. Desperate or what?
So me and Faz sent Farah off (nice people we are) once we were done and went round back to meet Zakiah, Amalina and her friends as we had time to kill before our meeting. Witnessed Zakiah being given the nickname 'Lolok'. Hahahaha. And witnessing Amalina's satan picture. HAHAHA.
Ended up late for the meeting. Went for yet another meeting at 1945. Discussed etc etc... Nearly had a hangus thosai for dinner but made the waiter change. Best part? When we told him to change the burn thosai, he started to fill us in with what went into it.
So we asked, "Can change the thosai? It's burnt."
He said inaudibly, "Oh it's got black pepper, green chilli..."
Hahahaha. I mean, is this guy funny or what? Guess he didn't understand us. Oh well. And I found out that the new Ez-Link has to have a minimum value of $3 if you wanna use it. And that was after I exchanged it for the new one. Irritating or what. Dah kene top-up.
So time passed and arrived home. And you know what made my day? There was this cat who was right in front of the lift and when I came near it and pressed the lift button, the cat started to rub itself against me and laid down. And when I waved from inside the lift, it actually meowed to me. Cute or what?
I so want a cat of my own. My very own cat who will wait for me at the door when I get home. Sweeet.
MalasmalasmalasMALAAAASSSS!!!
I got bored again so I changed the skin. Felt that I wanted something less colour. Yeap, so anyway, haven't been blogging. Wonder why. Could it be because I have been 'in hiding' so well that Batman would be proud of me? Or is it due to boredom? Merepek banyak aku eh?
Let's just say that I am now lazy. Malas. Lazy to do anything outside my house and lazy to even care what is happening to my life. As in, my interacting with people. It's not that I don't want to, but all I wanna do after a whole semester of rushing and having everything blurred, I just wanna sit back and relax, all by myself. I haven't had quality time by myself for awhile.
So shoot me for being like that. I always craved being alone. But still, I miss my loved ones. So I am setting aside Friday for Mikaeeray darls and Monday to meet Farah. With girlfriends like them, who needs a guy? Hell yeah it's nice to be guy-less. I finally FINALLY appreciate my singledom.
And speaking of lazy, I am beginning to stop this obssession of shopping. But I still crave it though. Spent the holidays Facebook-ing, Poladroid-ing and being on the Net alot since I've got my Audrey back after getting her screen fixed! Sigh. Wow I've done sooo much. Sarcasm sarcasm.
I have yet to achieve my goal, that is to exercise. The only exercise I get is typing. The Great Procrastination. Ok, next unchecked goal? Scrapbooking. I keep on pushing it back till I completely forgot about it. Next thing you know I'll lose my head and not even realise it.
You know, maybe I've had a better understanding of life these days. What it really means to be living and stuff. All my life I keep trying too hard to get people to like me to the extent I don't even know whether I was being true to myself. I am not saying I've found my identity 100 percent, it's just that, I've learnt to stop being phony day by day. Why please people and get lost in the sea of carbon copies? I'd rather stand out and be an individual.
Well this individual is sleepy so I guess I'll end here. Bet Eera is pleased I finally updated. Well babe, here's to you and Mimi.
Contentment
You know when you just have this urge to run and go somewhere far away just to untangle the knots in your mind? All I wanted was to board 69 to Bedok and take the long way home. Now wouldn't that be nice? Sigh too bad I didn't do it.
So anyway, I didn't get my de-stresser but my mood's not bad. I wanna go out with friends who I love like last Saturday. I think that was the first time in weeks since I went to town. Met Heira at TP and yeap, she's always that uncanny dynamite I've known my whole life.
It's funny how once I step back from the crowd I am in and observe people. How they react. How they act. What their body language tells me. I am no expert but it's simply entertaining to be able to understand a bit what they really are feeling. But then again, I miss completely. What can I say? Some people are just good at hiding.
I am feeling lazy and sluggish. I guess I'll just enjoy my life the way it is for now.
Baby girl, don't worry. You've got a guardian 'angel' standing by you.
Apparently, IKEA is the place for me to go round and round and get lost. Apparently, my hobby is alighting at the wrong stops and having to walk all the way to the right one. Apparently, I miss the feel of my fingers typing non-stop, spouting words and weaving them into stories. I miss writing so much. Anddd... apparently I've got Robert's face everywhere. You won't believe where I keep his pictures and this leads me to believe that I don't think I'll love anyone as much as him. Dang, I am getting carried away...
So anyway, tomorrow's THE day. The day I've been dreading. And when sis told me of THE day, all I could do was stare at nothing. Well, actually, I was zonking out (kinda my fav hobby nowadays). It kinda just seeped into a tiny piece of my brain cell. It took quite some time for me to realise that it was gonna be hard for me on THE day.
I mean, sweet peas! Who the heck likes to clean their wardrobe upside down and throw away all the unwanted stuff? For a sentimental person like me, that is a v v v hard thing to do. I've got clothes dating back to my primary school days and severely outdated knick-knacks. And yet, I just won't throw them away. Even after hmmm, let's see, after getting scolded+nagged by mum+sis and after having a hard time keeping all the junk outta sight. Trust me, I would rather jam all that into every nook and cranny of my room rather than throw them away. Hello, they bring back memories.
I've heard/read/watched somewhere about people who have the same problem as me. And when traced back, it actually has something to do with their past and it's all psychologically linked. Cool eh? Ok, enough of digressing. In conclusion, I am a pack rat.
Sigh, all this worrying about tomorrow has made me zonk out again. have so... unknown habits. Speaking of which, I made a huge bowl of popcorn at 2 in the morning just cos I was hungry.
I am not making much sense lately. But hey, that's no surprise.
We've all heard people saying,
"I wanna change."
Yeah, even I say that. There's no harm in doing so right? After all, change is for the better. But, what happens when you keep on changing for all the wrong reasons? Are you still being yourself? Or have you become a totally different person? Honestly, I am afraid to say that I think that I am not being true to myself whenever I change something in my life.
Who am I? Do I really know? I am gonna be honest here. I have been known to put up a front when I am with people sometimes. I am not being myself when I am thrown outside of my usual circle. I mean, golly, I am putting up an illusion of who I really am.
So why do I do that? Hmmm... well, for starters, I was afraid that if I were to give my true self, people would not find me nice to be friends with. Cos really, I can snarl and bite off people's heads when I don't like them. Call me stuck up or whatever, I pass judgement about people all too easily. Hey, I am human remember?
So why do people change? I am not gonna just shoot and point fingers here. I myself am clueless. I mean, aside from my reasons for changing, I can't assume the reasons for other people. I don't give a rat's fart about people changing. All I care about is that we change because we want to. Not because of others.
Just like what Lily Allen's song says:
Say what you say, do what you do
Feel what you feel as long as it's real
Take what you take, and give what you give
Just be what you want just as long as it's real
So I am not gonna talk and talk and talk. Cos who am I to say all these? Am I some saint who is sin-free? No. I never said that. I will and shall admit, I CONTRADICT MYSELF. But what matters is that you have the conscience. Cos that's what's gonna keep you rooted firmly to the ground.
0640 and Monday saw me walking like some drunkard to the table to shut the effing alarm off. Clumsy me decided that it was the perfect time to make a racket, dropping my phone and my pillows. All in the name of waking up to see Monday.
Sigh.
At least it's my birthday! And I am still living and breathing! Alhamdulillah.
I am just angered as to why people are so brainless to resort to violence whenever they want to prove their point or get back at someone. It's not a responsible act, more of a selfish act. In the end, the casualties are innocent people who weren't even involved in whatever caused the conflict.
I'd rather prefer them meet face-to-face and blow each other's brains off for all I care. Stop hiding behind others. Stop hiding and stop denying. Your cover's gonna be blown soon. Justice will always be served. Stop being cowards.
I don't think that blowing civilians up and damaging homes and schools is called combating terrorism. Nor do I think that blowing yourself up and killing people and damaging buildings in the process is an act of jihad.
I think the world's enough of all the deceits and secrets. The conspiracies, the lies. We're smart enough to know what's real and what's wrong. What's acceptable and what's despicable. If we small fries have figured that out, how is it that the world leaders, who are supposed to know what's best, have no inkling what's the right thing to do?
Does that mean that they have no humanity and common sense at all? Are they too wrapped up with being in control? Cos all I see nowadays are high-ranked people accepting bribes, having scandals etc etc. Where are the level-headed and selfless leaders gone? If all you do as a leader is making promises with no intention to fulfill them and gain advantage for yourself, any Tom, Dick or Harry is eligible for the job.
But I realised, what do I know? I am just a teenager, yet to experience the real world yet. All I know is yak and criticise. Right? But, at least I have a conscience. And empathy. And now I ask, with all my heart, to pray for the innocent people who are in the middle of wars, people in poverty. Pray that the world becomes a haven. For every single one of us.
And here I am thinking, after years of making the same mistakes over and over again, don't we humans ever learn?
Tagged!
Aimi told me to do it so... here goes.
1. What is the most important in my life?
Family, friends, school, my future, success, happiness, acceptance and my future car. Harhar. Ok ok, Erase the last one.
2. What is the last thing you've bought with your money?
Piping hot mutton karipap.
3. Where do you wish to get married?
Oooh, somewhere with gorgeous scenery. Let's start off with Masjid Sultan cos that mosque held many memories for Dad and after that, Fullerton! Wish wish!
4. How old do you think you will get permanently owned by your lover?
Hmmm... I do not control my fate and destiny so I can only hope that it's forever. Of course, we're talking about marriage.
5. Are you in love?
If I wasn't, I wouldn't be waking up every morning. I am in love with Robert Pattinson with every fibre of my being... *Oozes love*
6. Where was the last restaurant you had dinner at?
KFC. Zinger and Twister student meal. Budget giler. Of course, I didn't eat both by myself.
7. Name the latest book you bought?
I am sorry, I don't buy books anymore. I go to the library. The last book was... Enid Blyton?! Haha, no, it was "The Memory Keeper's Daughter".
8. What is your full name?
Rayhana bte Wahid
9. Do you prefer father or mother?
Love them or hate them, at the end of the day, I realise I can't live without them both.
10. Name the person you want to meet in your real life for the first time?
Drumroll please... ROBERT PATTINSON!!! Heh. Oh, and also Audrey Hepburn.
11. Christina or Britney?
Christina. But i still am not that impressed with her.
12. Do you do your own laundry?
Proudly yes.
13. The most exciting place you want to go?
Robert's house (Wheee), Heaven, Paris, Japan, whole of USA. Oh heck, wherever my feet and money takes me. Cos everywhere's amazing!
14. Point 5 things about the person who tagged you?
- Keeps her composure and cool.
- Dedicated and committed to what she's doing.
-
- Worth keeping as a friend for life.
- Talented!
15. 8 things you're passionate about?
- Robert Pattinson (Can I repeat him for the other 7???).
- Edward Cullen.
- What I wear, shopping, anything to do with fashion.
- Cute little children.
- Mikaeeray.
- Singing (Off key might I add).
- Food.
- Music.
16. 8 books you read recently?
- Cost & Management Accounting (Haha my CMA textbook).
- Did The Earth Move? (For the umpteenth time, due to lack of books).
- Gender Blender.
- Portable Sister. (Bless you, Fathin).
- Prada Princesses.
- Remember Me?
- The holy Qur'an.
- The Stepmother.
17. 8 people you will tag?
Anyone who wants to do this. Heee.
Peace.
And it came back. The ache. The envy. The shoutings. The tension. And all I've learnt is to retreat to my little world and observe. For nothing is worse than interfering and coming into the warzone.
Sigh.
So why do I want more than what I have?
It's funny that when you think that life is pretty much going downhill, God presents you with a gift. And to me, that gift is very much precious and priceless. And what would that gift be? My friends.
I know that everything's gonna be alright and that Allah will always be there for me as long I have faith when:
- despite a mundane morning and a pathetic lunch, I can still jump for joy cos I met Farah who, bless her, cheered me up with her energy. Yes, she will always make me smile.
- lecture was easy on the ears and brain.
- I end up laughing all the way home with Fathin, who I met at the musollah.
- I found myself at ease as I doing something as simple as checking on my two pets, BaaBaa and Heart.
I know I am lucky in a lot of ways. I hope I never forget that.
I know that everything's gonna be alright and that Allah will always be there for me as long I have faith when:
- despite a mundane morning and a pathetic lunch, I can still jump for joy cos I met Farah who, bless her, cheered me up with her energy. Yes, she will always make me smile.
- lecture was easy on the ears and brain.
- I end up laughing all the way home with Fathin, who I met at the musollah.
- I found myself at ease as I doing something as simple as checking on my two pets, BaaBaa and Heart.
I know I am lucky in a lot of ways. I hope I never forget that.
"With feet to take me where I'd go,
With eyes to see the sunset's glow,
With ears to hear what I'd know,
Ya Allah, forgive me when I whine,
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine."
-Quote from an email
Change
All I know, I am not the person I was back then, back when I first stepped into poly. And all I know, I want to finish up the semester and go for my holiday or even better, finish up the remaining years in a flash.
I am tired.
I am facing the screen. And it has these weird greenish thingies that are everywhere. Which means my laptop is screwed up (yet again). So I shall be separated from it. Sob sob. Yeah whatever. Let's hope it won't be long cos I realised I need to do school stuffs online. Sigh.
You know, the thing that irks me the most is people taking advantage of others. And that was what happened to me. I was at the pasar malam with my girls. We were having fun when this guy hands out a flyer about some cream. Ok, so I take it cos I usually do so. Then, suddenly he puts a bit of the cream onto my hand. And he pulls me towards the table where there were more of the products.
And I was like, What the fudge is this dushbag doing?! Friggin' hell, who gave him permission to touch me?! I didn't even want to see the product he's selling. Bug off man. Kurang ajar punyer jantan. I should've been more firm and said,
"NO, I do not wish to see your product and can you please stop holding my hand?"
Man, I really should have done that.
Guess I was too disgusted to react to that indecent act. I mean, I know sometimes my guy friends hit me or something like that but it's acceptable cos I know them but I don't even know that piece of male trash and he just comes up to me and touches my hand. I may seem open but I still have a conservative mind and I DETEST GUYS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME.
Man, I really am pissed and all I wanna do is go to the place first thing tomorrow morning and hunt the A-hole down and kick him in the nuts for doing such a despicable thing. I am not a piece of object where you can touch anyhow. I am a living, breathing human being who is subject to her rights. This is me, and you'll need permission.
And btw girls, the male trash I am talking about sells this cream that claims to remove pimples and blemishes at the pasar malam at the field in front of tampines MRT station. His stall is the one nearest the POSB bank. Avoid at all costs. Or you could simply bash him in the face for me. And slush the cream onto his hands. See if he likes it. Damn him.
I swear, I will not let things like this slide quietly again. I will stand up for my rights as a lady and I will not hesitate to get physical and bash you low life creatures out there till you wish that you were never born or I'll simply let the police do it cos sometimes, you're not worth it for my hands to get dirty.
Oh, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Another year comes by and we are still living. And I thank God for that. Here I am sitting in my room, with freshly washed but dishevelled hair and wearing my PJs instead of being out there and painting the town red. Anti-social? Sad? Well, that's just me. I like it quiet. I am not saying I hate to let my hair loose with my loved ones but nah, I just wanna have a one-on-one with myself on the first day of 2009.
2008 in retrospective. Significant events happened, just like any other years. But, maybe more impactful. Let's see. The financial crisis, the terrorists attacks in Mumbai, Obama. Yeap, definitely more impactful. But I don't wanna talk about all that. It's all been done for us in the papers.
What exactly are we celebrating for? The fact that we are closer to death and the end of time? Or to new beginnings? It all depends, optimism or pessimism. Your pick. I choose to look at it in both ways.
I guess for me what I really want at the end of the day, is to be a changed person. For my own's sake. And to be able to be in Allah's good graces before it's too late. I am done with being ignorant.
May we all have a better year.
Ok, just like the other millions of girls out there, I've fallen head over heels for Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson. Yes, to think a vampire could be oh so hawttt. Those broody, glowering eyes that hide so many emotions and feelings. Oh mama, heck, all I want for my birthday is...
ROBERT!!! Ok I know he is so much hotter as Edward with his hair being much much enticing and all, but I am willing to overlook the nest on his head he calls hair. I could just gaze into his eyes and run my fingers through his hair
Ok, so I plead, please please let me have him and I promise I will buck up in everything I do. I promise I will never ever have eyes for any other guy. I promise I will give him all my love cos hell yeah I am gonna marry him (Just say when)! And uh, I promise to stop getting crazy over my fashion fetish. Yup, that's what I am willing to do.
Man, how could God create such a... ok, no words can describe him... let's make do with beautiful guy. Hehehe. I bet even my Mr. Right pales in comparison to Robert. Forget Joe Jonas, forget Zac Efron, forget Jake Gylenhaall, forget all my crushes. Robert's the one and I shall obsess about him and only him. There. I've declared my obsession for him.
Oh boy, what a nut job I am. I think to treat this mental sickness, I am gonna prescribe a good dose of Twilight. Hmmm... once is not enough I tell you. Not even when I watched it from the second front row. Where I could see him clearly and... sigh... oh so near. Yeap, let's watch Twilight billions of times. Hey, some people even watched it like practically 43 times already.
Okok, I should stop this outburst of madness. May all my dreams be about Robert.
P/S: Should Kristin Stewart ever wanna drop out of doing the whole franchise, I would gladly take her place. But she'd be crazy if she did so.
I swear TP hates my school account. I've tried logging in for the fifth time and I still can't get in. @#$^%. Yeah ok so, haven't really been posting
Guess it's PMS. Or just the fact that I feel as if I am just swirling around. Riiight.
I catch myself thinking nonsensical and paranoid-induced thoughts. Why? Oh I have no idea. Maybe the fact that sometimes when I run away from my life for just a while or when I just have to avoid my life people resent me for that. Why oh why can't I be selfish for myself sometimes?
Strength. Where does one get it? Is it by building up their body? I honestly think that physical strength is nothing compared to the mental strength that one has. After all, one can't even have physical strength without mental strength which helps them to overcome the exhaustion. It's in the silence that one learns to be strong.
Sure, they say you should never bottle up. But, if you keep on harping and harping about your problems and unhappiness, it doesn't get you anywhere does it? All you become is a complacent person. You always expect people to be there for you to hear you out. In reality, people have their own problems.
You might say, oh she says it so easily cos she's not one to voice out. But, all the silence from my part made me observe and learn. To be strong mentally. I can rationalise my dilemmas and sadness myself. Isn't that better? To make things better all by yourself. To not be dependent in people.
I know I am not that strong yet. But maybe, just maybe, if I learn to stop being so weak, that might change.
Ok, that's my word limit. Cos my brain is uninspired.
Sigh.
My future. Should I spend like a maniac continuosly.
-_-
Pentas was like a week ago and here I am, probably the last person to reminisce about it. I felt so... surprised whenever I get home before the sun sets, reason being we would usually go home in the wee hours. But, yes, being a sentimental person, I am going to be oh so predictable.
I missed the period where we stressed, laughed, cried and went psychotic over Pentas. The numerous telling-offs, scoldings, characterisations, lepaks (despite me being constantly absent for that). We suffered together and I can still remember us being so upset and worried for Pentas.
Worried about assignments, projects, tutorials, grades. Jokes, chatting sessions and laughters made me hold on and be alive. Through all the hardship, I could finally understand the meaning of friendship. We didn't have to verbally or physically express it, all that was enough was the little gestures and actions.
Honestly speaking, I didn't think in a million years I would join Titisan where I would act and be on stage. I really didn't. And I honestly wasn't all that upbeat about being in Titisan. But, the people in there made me feel welcome. Yes, we have our ups and downs and misunderstandings. But, that's normal right?
Titisan changed me. And I dare say, for the better. My take on life has widened. And I learnt that success is not all that matters. What you need is personality and being flexible. I am so sick of being so uptight and always thinking about success. I learnt sincerity. Keihklasan. Itu yang penting. Without it, your life is worthless.
Ok, I shall not cry or be emotional.
Anyway, on a v bad note, I am f-ing sick of people who are inconsiderate, whether intentionally or accidentally. I am gonna be honest here. I am tired of keeping it in.
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK TO THOSE AROUND ME IN A LANGUAGE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND. I TRIED TO BE UNDERSTANDING COS YEAH I KNOW I AM THE MINORITY BUT DAMNIT, I AM IN YOUR FACE FULL FRONTAL. HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT? YOU SAY THAT YOU IGNORE ME COS I AM QUIET??? WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU IGNORING ME THAT'S WHY I AM QUIET???
Damnit, please, I make it an effort to not speak in my language when I see that there's somebody there who doesn't understand it. But, lately I just don't give a shit anymore. It's not like you're gonna care right? You think you can monopolise me just cos you're faster, smarter, more intelligent. Kiss my ***.
I may lack whatever it is you have, but you can never have my zest and colourful life and colourful group of friends. These are my treasures so too bad.
I loved being where I am. But, the way you treat me shows that I am not appreciated. I am being treated this way because I am different. Because I am not as success-driven as you.
I shall hold myself from saying anymore. But don't be surprised should I blast again.
And for the record,
I detest alienation.
YEAAAGGGHHHH. Dumb dumb school. Dumb dumb dumb schoolwork. Dumb dumb dumb dumb responsibilities. I just wanna stop time and smash the clock. And it's only the 4th week of the semester. Bugger. Ok bloody random.
Quick someone give me a punching bag and a lighter. Something needs to be destroyed for my sanity's sake.
Pentas: Sutera is in around 2 more weeks! Yaaaggghhh. Exasperated? Maybe. Frightened? Maybe. Feeling old. Duh. That's cos I am gonna turn 19 in less than 3 months. How depressing. Gone are my teenager years that were oh so youthful. Sigh. Oh well, at least I have got the chance to live that long already.
Ok smack me in the head cos 19 is not even old. Doofus me.
ObamaObamaObama!!! The change we need. I hope.
Peace and God Bless.
You reach a point in life where you realise that, well... life is actually just a big recycling thing. I mean, I know I am not old but I realised that I've been doing the same thing over and over again. The things I do are recycled. I mean, no doubt that I am in a wayyy different environment than I was 10 years ago but I get this feeling that it's all the same.
Don't you feel the same way? Stress levels are forever the same. Expectations of people on you are the same. So why are we so excited about life? I know, I am being such a pessimist. And I am not usually like that. But seriously, apart from those memorable events in your life which don't usually occur that often, life's a predictable game.
Right, before pessimism consumes me, I'd better find a solution to my dreary outlook on life. Guess it's just the ho-hum period for me. Thank God Sunday we're going to Johor. Yes, my mini getaway!!! I shall relax and... do stuff before realisation hits me that projects are already here and tutorials are getting up a notch in the difficulty level and Pentas is here and... and... and... I am the person who people are gonna 'harass' for tickets. Plus, I still can't pull off being the soft guy. But I do, however, can pass of as a v violent girl. Heck, I can beat people to a pulp. Cakap banyak aku ni eh?
I asked Dad whether I could take up boxing and he said no. I mean, I neeeeed an outlet to channel out my frustrations and he just won't let me. It's not like I am gonna be exchanging punches and blows with Muhammad Ali or Mike Tyson or whoever the boxing champion is. Oh well, I shall just resort to blogging. Ahhh, the wonders of words.
People ask me, why take only one elective when you can take two? Simple my friends. I prefer to take only one and try to ace it rather than to take two, get to know more things BUT crash and burn. I am making amendments to my studies. So please, don't make it appear as if it's a sin for me to take only one. I don't have to be like others.
Yeeesh, why am I so upset? Why am I becoming a misanthropic? Ok, that's too extreme but I am well on my way. Whyyyyyy... I think it's cause I see that people just don't care about other people like they used to anymore. I read in the papers today that in America, there was this lady who was watching as her house was being auctioned off as she could not afford it anymore due to the economy as we all know . Anyway, she was crying and obviously she was v upset. Then there's this kind Samaritan who saw her crying and she actually BOUGHT THE HOUSE BACK FOR THE LADY. She bid for it and she told the other lady that she bought it for her. And the kind Samaritan was not even a millionaire or something.
When I read it, I was so touched by it. How often do you see strangers helping others in need no matter how big the problem is? Ok to say that I would do such a thing would be a wee far-fetched. And I do admit I am ashamed by my lack of care for others. But still, I would want to help make other people's day better. I am amazed by how some people just couldn't bother giving a simple smile, saying thanks, giving way to others like for example when at the MRT station, or to just stop being so kiasu.
I guess, in our race to be the first in everything and to succeed in life, we just forget our social graces. I really can't say that we are progressing when we can't even be human, which is something basic. I am not being a hypocrite. I know I am not that decent as a human but I know that. I do not deny my flaws.
I pity us humans. When will we ever learn to wake up one day and realise that we are doing horrible things that are sometimes considered sinful. God is not gonna give us anymore time than we already have. Yet we still can't stop our frivolous ways, ways that are so so selfish. We forget the ones that are not as lucky as we are.
And now, what's with all the economy woes and the disasters happening around us, I hope it's an eye-opener. I hope that we realise, that we're not so big. We're just small characters in a show.
And I sincerely hope, I open my eyes to the epidemic happening around me, and start to wake up and not waste my opportunities. To stop playing a fool and to start being serious about my life and my future.
I am such a noobie noob. I wanna sleep but I can't. Whatever. Just had a humiliating morning. Was finding the classroom and guess what? I passed by the room TWICE if not THRICE and still didn't realise my tutorial class was in there. Thank God Yong Wen saw me if not I'll be zooming by like a Class A-hole. Sigh. So much for being reliable.
Anyways, got bored and wanted to inject colour into my blog so VOILA! Nice innit? Friday is finally here. Pretty fast if I were to say so. Ok tummy is rumbling so guess I'll be sleeping with an angry stomach. Sighhh.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!
Hahaha. I finally found the Mary Poppins word.
Ok cheerios my sweets!
Ever since I started this self-imposed ban on using the net, I have been losing the urge to blog and I kinda miss writing on and on and on. Urrrggghhh. And I haven't been posting pics that I want to post. What is wrong with me?!
Ever since school started my mood has been very volatile. I have no idea. I think it's cos I miss San Francisco. Yeah I know. People get home-sick but on top of that, I got depressed thinking about my vacation. Sob sob...
So anyway, yesterday had this incredously retarded day. We were doing the scrapbook for Ms Lee as she was leaving for Idaho. So, as usual, I got bored and decided to do some art of my own. So I pasted thingys on Siao Wei's biscuit box. Yes, the others laughed at me for that. But then...
The security guard was passing by our project room when BAM he saw our biscuit box and as we all know, that means that we were eating biscuits and it's a big nono to eat in the library. We stared at him, he stared at us. No prizes for which side had the most dungu face plastered (Duh, us).
So, then he broke the gaze which lasted like only a mininanosecond and pointed to the biscuit box. Charmaine said,
"Shit. Arts and Craft!"
I wittingly lifted and showed him the wonderfully-adorned-with-scraps box. Muka confident gitu ah. And the most hilarious but nonsense thing is that he actually believed us. Either that or he's just super uber lenient. Whatever. Either way, it didn't result to us being booted out of the library.
Yeah, so that was what happened yesterday. Today, super long with lecture and tutorial. Damn so dry and qualitative. Nodded off for the first time since school started. Means that I gotta sleep earlier and not watch the tube. Sighhh. Time management still sucks. All I wanna do is get my hands on sweet things and eat and eat and eat. But, no. I am cutting back on what I've been shoving into my mouth. So, I am not eating like a pig anymore. I only pig out on fruits! Yeah. Whatever.
Pessimism is getting to me. Oh pishtosh. Whatever. So, let's be a useful person today shall we Rayhana?
My friends, please go to this website,
http://www.petitiononline.com/polybus/
to petition for a lower fare for us Poly students. It's simply ridiculous as to why we have to pay a higher fare than other tertiary institutions. Why? Just cos there are adults studying in Poly therefore the need to apply adult fares on us?
Well if that is the reason, I beg to differ. ITE has adults too. Why a lower fare for them? Pleaselah, we have to pay a higher amount on school fees, books, notes and we don't have a uniform so we have to buy new clothes as wear and tear happens and clothes are not cheap nowadays.
Well, whatever it is, I thank the person who initiated the petition for taking a stand and for being brave. On to a low note, I want to hibernate till tomorrow morning. Arrrggghhh. Damnitlah. I want the hols back. Just give me back one week to relish and appreciate it pleaseee? I promise I won't whine and complain when I am stuck at home doing nothing.
I've changed. I prefer to sit at home with my family then go out till the wee hours. I have matured and I hope I don't upset my family anymore. Yipee me.
I want more games on my PSP. Anyone nice enough to send me games?
I am a changed
Did my tutorials early and actually understood it and never had to refer feverishly to finish it. I actually am in lectures both body and mind. I actually listen and understand!!! Oh wow, I really hope I clean up my act for good and become the
I also finally fought for something I wanted for my own good. I finally got to change my CDS to Basic Calculus and Oh My Dear Sweet God it's like Maths back in PRSS days. I am gonna try to ace it. Just need to dig out my old Maths stuff. Lovelovelove it!!! I want a Distinction so badly for it. Is that possible?
I am feeling so... refreshed, renewed and have a whole new outlook on my life and future. I finally, if not a bit, matured and know what's good and what's not for me. I guess God gave me a chance to right the wrongs I have been doing to my life.
So here is what I wanna do to become the best student I can be:
- Shut the hell up in lecture and listen attentively.
- Listen in tutorials and ask questions and open up.
- Do tutorials ASAP.
- No more procrastinating.
- Get my priorities right.
So, the advisors treated us to Seoul Garden for dinner. Ate like non-stop for close to 2 hours. Oh God, what a pig I am. Went home with a very numb and sick stomach. That is what happens when you eat too much. But it was fun.
Watched Tropic Thunder with Zakiah before Comm Skills. Our little sisters had to watch HSM3 cos they were not 18 year olds. I wanted to watch both. Oh well. Anyway, Tropic Thunder is just crude but v funny. But it could do with more humour though. Robert Downey Jr. was smooth acting as a black guy and an Aussie. I am in looove... Hahahaha.
Ok now my face is aspiring to be a moon with lots of craters aka pimples. They just keep on coming. Woweee beloney. Right, guess I should get my beauty sleep cos it's 0322. Sigh. No more touch touch laptop after today till next Friday.
Ciao sweets!
19 in less than 3 months!!! Golly means I have about 1 plus more years before I turn 20. Then... 21... the age where I am not a teen anymore but a woman. Sadness. The best days of your lives to me were the teen years. Oh well.
Peace.
What I need in my life now is not a man, but just A's and distinctions. That's enough for me.
I observe people when they are faced with dilemmas or problems and how it affects them, and I look back to myself. How do I react to these shortcomings? I then realised, I simply don't. I just avoid them. I act as if it's not happening. And as I get older, I build up my fences so that if anything happens, I can just shun all that away.
But if even that doesn't happen, I simply write it all out. Flow it out all in words. If that doesn't works, well the ultimate,
But I just cannot accept it when the person at wrong doesn't even realise or doesn't even want to goddamnit admit that they are in the wrong. They blame it on others. C'mon, I am not that dim to not see that things are wrong. I can sense it. Puh-lease, you think I don't know. I know more than you think I do.
It's hard you know, trying to act as if it doesn't affect me and trying to put up a strong front for others so that the world doesn't know that I am hurt. I feel so filled up with angst and hatred from all that. And no, I don't think talking about it will make it all better. It never goes away. I am not trying to gain sympathy or anything. I just wanna take it out.
I am not even supposed to be the strong one. But turns out, I can't afford to be weak. If I do, well... everything's gonna crumble right?
#^&# it people. Push your ego aside and accept criticism and change for the better so that the world will be a better place and I won't have so much hatred.
Peace.
As if.
So anyway, saw this girl lying on a table in her b'day suit with food covering her and guys sitting around her taking the food off her in the news.
WHAT THE FREAKING HELL???
What the heck was the girl thinking?! All the guys are probably chikopeks (however you spell it) that can't wait to see the 'dessert' after all the food's finished. Get it? Dessert? K, never mind. She's the one doing the shameful act and here I am fuming about it. Damn I just don't get the world now. What happened to morales and humility?
Ok, one minute I am depressed, the next minute I am happy and the next minute, hysterical. This ain't called bipolar. This is tripolar. Ok crapping is starting. Suddenly I think I should take a break from blogging so often. God knows why.
Dad got glued to the tv watching Massa beat the ass off Hamilton. Only to find out they both kena owned by Alonso. I got glued to the tv because of Hamilton. 'Nuff said. Hehe. I am just in awe by the fact that the racers lose 3kg or more I think when they race. That's just cool. I would rather lose weight by that method rather than exercising and making a complete fool out of myself, considering that I never was good at it.
And I finally conquered that puzzle! HA! On to the next game please. My brain finally gets to work out. 1 more day people! After celebrating, on to packing. I am preparing a schedule for my clothes. Hehe. So I won't make a mess out of my brain when school starts. And I have to make room in luggage for more things! Hehehe. Oh, and random fact, tampons work for nosebleeds.
Anyway, helped to clean up the house. My room is clean and dust is significantly reduced. Happy me! So I wanna apologise to Amalina for not going to the garage sale with her. I am missing those I haven't seen since the hols. So apologies to you all. I am the type that will go into 'hiding' once the hols start.
What I need for the new semester is a bag that's durable enough for my load. So far, I haven't found the one. Sigh... it's so hard to find a nice, vintage, durable bag. Obviously vintage and durable do not equate. But it's worth a try to find it right?
Hotseat during Tits was hilarious. I dunno about the rest, but when I was in the hotseat, i finally FINALLY got to be in character. Don't know if the rest agree. I just didn't feel it was Rayhana talking.
I want Starbucks all of a sudden. Sigh. Pimples pleaseee go away, never ever come back again. My face looks like the moon, with the craters all around it. Just call me Moonface. =(
Damn this puzzle has got me awake at this time and hour. It's so addictive. Well, I find it addictive. Don't know about others. So far I am at level 32. Can you beat me to the end? Hehe.
 In The Doghouse Get the puppy to the kitchen! |
| Play this free game now!! |
Ok so that aside, Hari Raya's coming in 3 more days. And pretty soon, school's gonna start. Good news? Bad news? No idea myself. I am getting lost. With what? I have no idea. All I know, I need to run to my holiday destination pronto. Can it come any faster pleaseee???
And I am now a victim of the Jonas Brothers Syndrome. Hehehe. Sigh. *Melts*
I am in awe. With the MacBook. I mean, it's so cool and all, with it's pretty layout and pretty icons. Hehehe. I think I am gonna consider a MacBook in the future.Â
Anyway, it's only about 3 PM but the day is already sucky and it's gone all sour. Due to inconsiderate people. I mean, hellooo basic courtesy and manners here. Even if you do not feel like contributing a lot or don't even like being in a particular place, the least you could do is just shut up and and listen to the others there. You don't do your own things and distract others. You do not play with your handphone and obviously not with your PSP or what have you.Â
Honestly, I realised, people nowadays have too big a mouth and too small a brain. What happened to being nice to people??? God, I feel that sometimes some people don't deserve my attention and respect as a fellow being. Ok, whatever. I shouldn't even rant about them. They don't deserve a space in my blog to be mentioned.Â
I wished I brought my beauty today cos there's time to waste and I could use that time to surf the Net and do stuff. And look at what I am missing in the land of fashion. Sigh. As always. Oh and I attempted to cook for the family. Guess what happened? I burnt a tablecloth. And I realised that only when the poor poor clothe was practically burnt to a crisp. Amazing how 'fast' my reflexes are.Â
Ok interviews starting soon. And Josiah better watch out cos I want his MacBook! Hehehehehe.Â
I am in one of those moods again. I am in a
soberbutgiddyfeelingduetoGodknowswhat.Ifeeldifferentafterthesepast
fewweekscosIjustdidsomeselfreflectionandnowIamfeelingallmushycos
IsuddenlyrememberedMoulinRouge&youallknowthatit'soneofthemost
romanticyettragictaleoftwoloverswhoareinaforbiddenrelationship.
&becauseofthatit'sgotmethinkingaboutTheBoy.orMr.Rightorwhatever.
Iwannagoroundtheworldandgocrazyinsteadofjustsittingathomeand
doingwhatIamtoldtodo.
mood. AGAIN. That's just to show how my mind works. All jumbled up, with no stops. And to prevent people from reading it cos it's so darn irritating to read. About one more week and it's Hari Raya baby! I am feeling kinda guilty cos I don't have that festive mood. Yet. I think. Or maybe I just am feeling kinda robotic, what with all the things I am TOLD to do.
Yada yada yada, I could go on about that. But I am not. My heart's on the brink of bleeding just thinking about it. You know, I managed to tame the shopping psycho in me but now it's been too long man. I need to be let loose into the shopping world and just breathe in all the wonders of what makes up being materialistic. I am most most excited about leaving S'pore. Woohoo. K whatever. I sound like a junkie on drugs (duh) and steroids. And this sonofagun cough of mine just won't shut. And it wants to escape right at the most unapproriate time aka when everyone's asleep and when I am supposed to be at bed already.
So, spent these past 2 days baking. Yes, baking! What else? Erm cook? That's it. That's the only thing I find productive. My hands are itching for a new phone. I want a flip phone pretty please. Any kind donors out there? Hehe.
Anyway, I know I am not the most up-to-date person who knows what's happening to the world but this is one thing that's practically screaming into my ears in every direction. The milk contamination thing from China. I mean, are they so bloody greedy for money that they would put melamine in their products? And for the world's sake, of all things, in babies' milk? What is wrong with them?! Making babies suffer just to get profits? These sickos obviously are so inhumane that they never think of others. How would they feel if their babies were fed with poison? Yeah, so that's just my thoughts. Coming from a person with a super soft spot for babies.
With all the time in the world doing nothing, I've managed to analyse my life and sort out what I did wrong. And I realised, people change. I change. What I thought was my favourite is now a dread. Time and distance changes me and the people around me. We all become so different that I fear, if I do not do anything and become an even worse shrinking violet, I am gonna be a stranger to those I love and care so much.
But then I think again, there are times when I made the effort to reach out but they just don't reciprocate my actions. And I realise, I am gonna lose people because I am tired of not being myself. I just can't fake it anymore. I mean, I could but all that's gonna lead to is me becoming drained and regretting what I did or didn't do. Sometimes I kinda regret that I change. But, like they all say, everything's gotta change and whether I like it or not, this is all supposed to happen.
And some are not gonna be happy. Who am I to stop them from not liking me? Also, who are they to not be happy with me? I gotta shake off this feeling of having to please everybody. It really is time to please myself for a change. So, all I gotta say to those with no rights to control me, aka everyone 'cept my parents, who think that I have to bow to their every beck and call, is
"You should buy a Happy Meal cos you're so sad"
I woke up to a cloudy and dark, dark morning. What a sign.
Everyone's in full power around me and all I am able to do is sit and stare lifelessly. I can't even communicate properly. All I know is that I am not in a mood to do anything except chug Prozac. I don't care if I appear sulky or anti-social. I am in pain so I am pretty sure being anti-social will prevent me from talking. Which is pretty much my aim.
Funny how something as small as a sore throat can make me so sour. Bloody hell I am so petty. Obviously the reason I am blogging now at this hour is because there's IG and well, no action happening yet so might as well immerse myself in writing.
Ok I should forbid myself from blogging until I stop being sour grapes. I am spoiling my blog. Sigh.
I am starting to think I have laryngitis. My throat just can't stop coughing. And it's the type where all I wanna do is shove my hands down my throat and scratchscratchSCRATCH. It's itching like mad. The only thing that would make the sore throat bearable is if I lose my voice. Cos in addition to the suspected laryngitis, I have an ulcer right at the back of my tongue.
Fabbo. So I have to face the week ahead with this stalling throat of mine. Ok, whine whine whine. I am so good at that, right? HA guess the world will be spared with my whining.
Ok, seriously I'll put my whining to the back seat. So, life has been pretty nice to me. So far. I should stop this pessimism outlook on life and start being optimistic again. That's what makes life worth living for you know. Of course, you gotta find the perks that makes your life worth living for. For me of course I found the perks. Hehe.
I really should do something that will surprise people out of their socks. I should be surprising instead of expected (something I learnt from the oh-so-boring Up Your Service workshop). Starting to think that I am becoming a wallflower. Now that's a depressing thought.
So yes, aku patut keluar dari kancah-kancah kewallfloweran ini (WTH am I saying?!).
And yes, I am guilty of Facebook-ing. And at a slower pace than others at that too. And yes, I am still confused with some of the applications and how to... errr... apply them. So go ahead, shoot me and slap on the words 'NOOB' on my forehead.
That's all dahlings. Gonna update again tomorrow, since I am going to be in school might as well lug this beauty of mine and use the free Internet. Hehe. I am such a moocher. Heck, with the fares increasing and all, I have to start walking to school. Well, partially. But heyyy, it's a good thing too. I can exercise. Provided that my sweat glands can refrain from working overtime and make me perspire like a bulldog who lets his tongue hang out and letting all that slimy drool hang loose. EEEWWW.
So, my objectives to be achieved by sem 2.2? Stop being a wallflower, actually realise that I am going to lectures and tutorials for a reason, work my arse off to show to people that there's still the intellectual in me (not that there wasn't any to begin with) and shop till I drop at flea markets. Oh, and stop procrastinating. This time for real. I am so going to start doing tutorials the moment lecture ends.
HA. I am all geared up for sem 2.2.
I have days where I wake up to find that *surprise surprise* HE is mine and we have a super sweet relationship where HE is always there for me. I have days where I find that HE is always where I am, and I always turn mushy and blush in a way I never thought possible.
I have days where I wake up to find that I am uber rich, with a wardrobe the size of my house and it's all similar to Audrey Hepburn's! (Absolutely stunning, dahling). I have days where I already have a driver's license and a Honda Crossroad and a VW Beetle AND a Mini too boot. I have days where I have glossy hair, the type I can only so nearly imitate should I dip my head in an oil refinery.
And I have days where I wake up to find that all those are just dreams. Sad, pathetic sign that I need to get a grip on reality. And sadly, there are days where I have multiple dreams of the above. In the same night. That's just mean man. A girl can only have so much dreams in one night. Any more than one and she gets lost in Lala-land and refuses to wake up. I should know that since that is exactly what I experience night in, night out.
Oh, and also the fact that I can clam up faster than you can say, "ZIP!" when I get nervous and insecure, which is, almost everyday. Ok, so, crashing back into the plain ol' world of Rayhana. And we landed on a Friday.
Friday started off like any old day, 'cept that the world saw me. I came out from the shadows off the house. Was incredously lazy to go to school but all that I needed to kick start the downtrodden mood was just shoving the earplugs into my earholes and switch on my Friday song.
So, with my Friday song blasting nicely, I made my way to school. Waited for 5 for centuries(but hey what's new?). Made an attempt to be in a pleasant mood. You know that's quite a feat for me to do. Zippy zappy zoo and here I am back at home. You know, eating parmesan cheese for two consecutive days is kinda pleasant, despite the smell which resembles a dead fish mixed in decomp. Obviously, it's just me who finds the smellier the cheese, the nicer it is. Duh, this is the cheese-fanatic talking here.
You know, I am going mental by just thinking about the fact that my ability to write fluently in Malay is slowly sliding. Heck, I can't even speak a proper sentence. Ok, that's an exaggeration. Make it two. It would always be infused with English. That sucks you know? I mean, I couldn't be arsed about it at first but pretty soon, I realised, if I don't appreciate my own mother tongue, then who in heaven's name is gonna do it?
Tis' the season to go ballistic.
Yada yada yada. That's all I do after a certain significant event. Only I don't cause mass destruction. Let's not bring back the sick feeling in my tummy. So, let's just steer away from that.
I have this weird reaction to books. I actually got friggin' moody after reading a book. Yes, and it's not even something I can relate to. Touch wood I never ever relate to it. So, I got uber upset that I actually got pissed when the little sister wanted to get into the room. And she didn't even do anything. It's either I got too carried away with my imagination or it's just plain PMS.
Anyway, it just gets to me when mama raises the topic concerning me. It's super annoying. Sometimes I can feel that the reason it is raised is to just... well, annoy me. So as to make me change. Heck I am a strong-willed person. What annoys me, I annoy back. Retribution beb. Simple logic.
And most of the time, the root of all the shooting is due to a certain twitterhead. I really don't know what's her deal, but what I think is she's just envious of the fact that she couldn't do what I am doing now and she just wants to get back at me. Or maybe she's afraid that I would neglect her. I mean, COME ON. Who the heck would neglect the person who always accepts you for who you are?
I think too much. To the extent that I worry myself endlessly. All this excessive thinking has caused me to hide the real me from the outside world. It's like this huge lump of cancer or something. I really should take a breather and take a chill pill.
Oh and as a testimony to my madness, I jumped up and down trying to touch the ceiling, which is an impossible feat to do, considering the fact that I am hopelessly the only child to inherit the 'shortness' genes. Plus, I am second in line to inherit the 'width' genes too. Whoopeee.
Would you believe, I wouldn't remember how much I put into my mouth. I just shove and shove and shove till all I wanna do is barf. Sigh.
That's life.
Oh boy. That's what happens when you get a coffee addiction. Wonder if I'll ever turn into that.
Had the Pentas auditions yesterday. It was quite awhile since I acted so, I acted like... poop. As usual, I got the nerves. I
After that, we finally got the chance to break fast together. I missed hanging out with them and since I cancelled on them once, wait, no twice. Ok, think countless of times. Reason? Well... let's not even go there. So, felt good seeing them again. Too bad everyone ran out of ideas on where to go after breaking fast. Guess everyone was too tired.
Oh well, I am gonna be busy again. Typical. There's the workshop and the Tits rehearsals. The workshop better be worth my... wait, how much was it again?
I am beginning to think that life is beginning to have nothing in store. Well, that's just my take on life. Or maybe the fact that it's the holidays which fall during the fasting month which means energy levels are zero? I dunno. Whatever it was, I realised that yesterday. The things I loved to do disappointed me. Or, was it me that made the things disappointing?
I wanted to do a million and one things but now it seems so far away. Damn. Good thing about this mellow period is that I have a chance to think things through. Anyway, this is just so typical of me. When school starts, all I want is the holidays and vice versa. Sigh.
And mama is calling for me to sleep. Guess I'll heed her
And, never ever EVER irk, irritate or piss me when I just woke up. NEVER. I'll be my bright and usual self only after I have a nice, refreshing bath. But, I am still and will always be, a morning person.
Peace. =)
It's amazing how you can be a nearly there adult but you're still treated like a baby. A baby who has no say to her life. She can't do what she loves, she can't be there when people need her, etc etc etc. In short, she can't do anything. Except be a puppet.
Do not go out. What does she do? She sits at home. Fine. Acceptable. I understand that sometimes it's for my own good. But, hello? Anyone realised that I want to open up? I want to learn. I want to experience life. Yes, I know, sometimes I exceed what is given to me. But for goodness' sake, you know that I would never ever ever do something wrong. I have my conscience rooted deep in me man.
So why when you say you trust me, you never put that to actions? It's all just words. C'mon, you look around and you look at me. I haven't bent down to peer pressure. I am still the same. Just because I want to be more involved in things I love doesn't mean that I forget my priorities. So what if I love to be busy? So what if I am so tired? I learn from that. I never complained. I complained so that you would never guess that I love being tired. Cos if I said that I loved being so busy, you're gonna accuse me of forgetting you.
Cut me some slack please. Seriously. Doesn't matter if I am 8 or 18. This topic has always been the one to cause tension between us. Right? You know deep inside that I have to learn the ups and downs of life. I can't be your puppet anymore. I want my strings to be loosen up a bit. It's hurting me. I know I am different so why can't you respect me for that? We're not manufactured dolls, where we're all the same.
Yes, I admit sometimes I am being unreasonable and I haven't been exactly showing you that I can be trusted fully yet, but, I am getting there, aren't I? I mean, don't tell me you've never been in my shoes. I am a teenager for friggin's sake. My idea of fun does not always equate to yours.
So you keep me under your umbrella now. What happens if you can't do that anymore? What, don't tell me I am gonna collapse? The more I am overprotected, the more I am gonna be clueless about the big, huge world out there. When I say something, you're gonna rebutt, saying that I have been influenced by the bad, bad, bad world. You're gonna say, "No, what the hell has gotten into you? What is wrong with you? Why can't you be like the rest?"
Face the facts. I. Am. DIFFERENT. How many times must I emphasise on DIFFERENT? And yet, you still don't get it. You want me to just sit and not know the answers to my questions. So much for you saying, "Go and find the answers yourself. I can't be feeding you answers all the time. You're not independent." HA. Question is, who's the one who made me this way? Myself? Or you? Yes, again, I know you've seen what happens to teens my age when they get out of hand.
I am not like that. I am far from that. You told me that yourself. So why are you making me feel as if you're contradicting yourself? You say, I make you proud. But your actions are telling me, that I make you sick and tired. Life is always about pushing and pulling. You gotta let me have freedom sometimes and yes, I agree, you have to pull me back sometimes.
The reason I sometimes disobey is because I have been cooped up so long that I get overwhelmed by the world around me. So I get excited and forget. But you tend to pull me back ALWAYS. Imagine me as a kite. You go and pull, pull, pull and pull me back the strings gonna snap right? And when it snaps, the kite's gonna fly away right? Now let's see what happens when you let the strings loose abit. Yes, the kite's gonna fly away, but the strings are still attached cos you didn't pull too often. And when you pull back after letting the kite fly, the kite will come back to you. It's back in your safe hands. So which one's better? You decide.
It's too bad that what I write here will never have a chance to be seen by you. I wish I could tell you all this in person, but, you're gonna butt in and I am gonna get angry and it'll probably end up with me losing. And you're gonna have an even tighter grip on me. Still a long way to go for me huh? When am I gonna have the hold on me loosened up? When I am 60? When I can't even walk?
Fine, we shall see.
Bah, this sucks. Every single year I have a post about this. And every single day I face this.
I have never felt so malu. I had to use the dumb grandma walking thingy while we were skating at the foam-covered 'ice' skating rink. Fake ice. K not even ice. Hello? I didn't pay money to skate on floor the material the PPP set was made of. Dumb. I was like shaking like a baby trying to learn how to walk. Siao Wei gloriously took pictures of me 'skating'.
But at least I didn't fall and fall and fall, only to fall some more despite the fact that was the v first time I skated. Unlike someone. Ok, I wanna write paragraphs long but too sleepy. Tomorrow real ice-skating. Hehe. Then, next day lounging with darlings! Woohoo. Then maybe Baybeats. After all that, I would be preparing for Sub-Comm Workshop. Thennn, finally rot. Oh, but there's still the service workshop from 9-10 September.
Ok, I have been jolted awake. Don't know how. Tomorrow gonna be a long day. first, check out sample for Tits shirts. Then, go PRSS!!! Yeah baby. It's been ages since I went back. Then, go meet Tits people to go skating! Hope it's gonna be better than earlier today. Sigh. Ok, I am just spouting nonsense like a whale spouting water.
Ok, one of my funniest comparisons, Siao Wei asked, how was one of the exam papers?
I said, guess what I said?
I said, "It was like eating ice-cream on a hot day." Siao Wei asked,
"What?! Why?" (I think, I can't remember much ah) So I said, it's cos it's something you do quite frequently so no big deal but the sun made it hard to eat the ice-cream cos it's melting. So even though you know how to eat the ice-cream, the heat made it hard to eat it and you have to figure out and manouvre your way to finish up the ice-cream. Sometimes you manage to finish it but with much difficulty or you get to finish it so simply. Or you don't finish it at all cos you were panicking too much and it all ends up in a messy puddle.
Ok, that's quite... I dunno. Ok, and I came up with some words of my own. ike, Wahalao (That's my version of 'Wahlao')
OK, SLEEP. I have to check out the samples by 10. And get to PRSS by 1130. Nice ah...
You won't believe how I was practically jumping for joy when I finally FINALLY got to touch my dear laptop and switch it on. And even more so when I got online. The feeling's... undescribable.
Yeah I know, obviously I am addicted to the laptop and the Net. More specifically blogging. I get crazy when I can't blog. I neeed to blog. It's my outlet.
Ok, now the strangest thing happened to me today. I thought I was going to sit for the Business Finance paper but all I saw when I read the paper was something sooo... foreign! I thought it was some foreign language paper!
Ok, that's just crap. It is so clear cut that I didn't cram enough and I had some kinda generalised anxiety (I just read on it, and I so fit the description) and I forgot everything in the panic attack. I also read that anxiety attacks and generalised anxiety causes you to forget things. So, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I BLANKED OUT.
So, all I wanted to do was curl up and cry the Niagara Falls. But not before choking, slam dunking and chopping up the tutors for not giving any hints. I mean, would it kill you to just drop a few friggin hints?! Okok, shall not make any death threats. And no, don't report me or anything for saying all those.
And I think it's kinda dumb cos when you don't give hints at all all you gonna get is the majority of A&F kids doing the paper badly, which in turn would lead to them having to moderate. Ok, maybe they did give hints but I was just too darn busy in Anxiety-land too even notice.
But seriously, spoiled my after-exam mood. But Siao Wei was there for me! You know why? She was there for me to bully! Hehehe. Thanks ah Siao Wei.
I had a gazillion things in my mind of what I should do the moment I step out of the exam venue. But now, all I wanna do is... ermmm read the self-help books I borrowed with a big plate of sushi by my side. Hehe. That's all I need. Speaking of which, I am hungry again... Seriously dudes and dudettes, I am getting bored. Of... I have no idea. Just something deflated. The fun in me? This is all because of studying...
Question,
How do bus drivers driving the last bus get home?
Could it be they have their own cars? Cos that doesn't really makes sense to me.
Could it be they take taxis? Which I think makes even worse sense.
Hmmm... will it make a difference if I know the answer? Knowing myself, probably yeah.
I love PCA. I hate PCA.
I love the Net. I hate the Net.
I love sleep. I hate sleep.
I love hp. I hate hp.
I don't know what's the purpose of crapping at close to 3. Wait. 3?! Fudge. Fluke. Flahhhh.
The day finally arrived. Yes, exams came. And now I want it to go away as fast as possible. But by brain doesn't. Obviously the reason being it's not filled with enough information. I thought that I would be able to study straight today, but it seems that CMA is so, draining.
Need I remind you people that my brain cells are not as expanded as yours, hence the lag I experience quite frequently, especially when it comes to memorisation. Strangely enough, I can memorise things concerning entertainment and of course, fashion.
I can tell what's a pantyhose from leggings but I can't tell you formulas without consulting my notes. Sigh. I guess it's all in the interest. I don't give a care about what I am studying but I sure loveee the fashion world and entertainment. Duh. Who doesn't?
Dad got a teeeny weeeny minor fit yesterday as he checked the phone bills. Since our Internet bills are also stated there, he could see the product of me using the Net for hours and hours nearly every day. But hey, it wasn't only me. In fact, I rarely used it nowadays. All I know, I have to limit myself when using the net during the hols.
All the more reasons to get a temp job. So far, I foresee myself sucked dry of funds since I have outings to go to and I don't think I can get away with begging Dad for $$. I have to fork out some myself. Eh, I got dignity you know. One outing doesn't cost you $10 anymore.
Dumb dumb dumb inflation. How I wish we had our own money-printing machines. Cool stuff. But, I think if that were to happen, some kinda bad consequence would happen. Like, the value of money would slideee and we'd be back to the barter system. Eeew, then I would have to trade my dear belongings for new ones. But, good thing is, less stuff clogging up my room space. Hmmm...
Obviously money won't be so easy to come by. You see how I can come up with such things and conclusions so easily but if I were to open up my notes now, my brain would be... errr... brain dead.
Ok, erm my train of thought has been abruptly interrupted by Za. It is now time for meeting. Which was supposed to start at 6 but... Yeah...
Suffice to say, I think this time round, I managed to actually study. As in study study, and not study daydream. Riiight. Anyway, my brain's getting hammered as I speak. Seriously, it's been ongoing since the start of the week. A sign that I shouldn't study!!! Hahaha. What crap.
Sometimes, impromptu things make your day. Take for example, I was like bloody drained Monday after a day of cramming and as I was leaving the library I saw Tits people and MAG people. Kinda refreshing. Do not ask me why. Just felt that way. Heh.
I was planning to just say Hi and go home but ended up waiting and buying the Oreo drink I had been craving for with Za, Amalina and Hadi and running in the rain. It made my day, even though I got home drenched and sick. Studying makes me a grouch. Hmmmppph. So a big thanks and hug to you 3 for making me feel better.
You know, when you look at things at a different perspective, you realise that, what you held on to so closely to your heart is well... bringing you down. It doesn't satisfy you. Especially when your take on things has been widened and changed nearly 360 degrees.
I don't really know what's good for me anymore. I seem to have lost my directions. All that I was so sure of is now so strange, so... foreign. It's scary you know? The future that I was so sure and confident of is nothing more than a nightmare that I hate.
Is that scary or what? That just goes to show that you always realise you make mistakes when it's too late. And I was so sure of my decision. Now I gotta pay for that. Sigh...
I want a JOB. Yes, a JOB. For the hols. A job that involves babies and toddlers. Cos I need money to buy some cravings. And I do not want to ask from my parents cos they'll give me a looong lecture on my penchance for frivolous spending. Also, cos I want to be surrounded with cute lil babies. Oooh, just the thought of that makes me wanna beam with happiness. So, any recommendations?
I am really good with kids. I don't bully them, I don't scream and throw fits at them and I communicate really well with them. In fact, I think I communicate better with kids than people my age or older. Yes, I know, sad. I think I am a kid trapped in a teenager's body.
These are what I plan to do after exams:
- Watch tv till my head explodes.
- Go online till eyes explode.
- Get a job and work and work until legs explode.
- Go shopping till bank a/c explodes.
- Repair my bond with family till they explode from my cheerfulness.
- Read mags and books till the library explodes.
- Think about lovely things till I can't think no more.
- Think about things worth thinking and dispose those things that are insignificant.
- Prepare for the worst aka results.
- Decide which elective to take. Damn, I still do not know what will become of me.
- Fast cos it's Ramadhan baby!!!
- Sleep more.
- Errr... clean up the house. It's not a choice but a command. Sigh.
- Emmm... cook? Bake?
- Think depressing thoughts due to prolonged periods at home doing nothing to stimulate thinking.
- Get ready for Hari Raya.
- Get ready for the highligh of the year! Hope it gets confirmed. Cos I have been waiting for a darn long time.
Ok, this is what happens when all you do is study. Oh, and the maternal instincts kick in. RANDOM. I want a kitten! I want to babysit! I want a lil, cute-as-a-button baby sibling. HAH. I don't wanna be an accountant or anything like that. I wanna be a kindergarten teacher! I wanna be a full-fledged babysitter!
Oh nonononono. Scratch all that.
But seriously, I am losing faith in what I am doing now. God, please, let me love what I am doing. I can't afford to let my parents down. But if we were able to do anything one day, I would... stand back and choose what really is the best for me. Ahhhhhhhhhh...........
Holy guacamole. Mimi, if you're reading this, please don't nag at me or judge me.
Right, should stop where I am. Getting worse than where I started. I'll just leave you with my mantra now. My Co & Co teacher told us this:
"He liked to like other people as other people will like him"
Get your own!
Who knew bombing castles and breaking and smashing a motorcyclist's body into a million pieces could be so much fun? I knew I was a sadist deep inside. Anyway, I know I should be studying and all, but I gotta relax. All I know, tomorrow's a full day of studying.
Gee, all this thoughts of studying and completing everything on time has made me short on words. Guess that's all.
Been short-tempered lately. Well, I am short-tempered, but I get pissed over the littlest things lately. I really seem to be tired all the time. I can't even set my priorities right. Sigh.
National Day was not much diff for me. Didn't even watch the parade with the family. Was busy doing PCA. Still gaps here and there. Gonna finish up the week's tutorial tmw and then (sigh) study. Now I am looking forward to doing Co & Co. I know who exactly to choose for the assignment. Hehe.
Sigh. Guess that's all. My bum's itching to do something, well, fun.
And for goodness' sake, please let me get T-bar flats. Is that too much?!
I've been thinking. And thinking. And thinking.
I've changed. For better? For worse? You be the judge.
I am tired. Of, well... somethings. It's like, you put in all your attention and focus into it, and it just ignores you and show their back to you. One of them, studies. I put in my all and try and try, it just won't do me justice. Guess I have to try harder huh?
Been talking to people. Heard of what they have to say about these somethings. Bottom line, just have to be patient and dare to take a risk. I used to think that you don't find, because it will never come. Instead, you wait. But, I think again. You won't get it if you just sit around and wait. And do nothing.
Opportunity comes when you find it. So for my studies, I have to hold myself by the shoulders and force my brain into studying and stop kidding and avoiding it. The other somethings, well... I'll keep the suggestions for myself eh? All I know for the other somethings, I am not ready to take the leap of faith.
Don't even think if the timing's right. Damn I really am not sure of myself. Sigh.
Goodbye apathy.
Talk to myself again, all alone, on my own
Caught in your stubborn hold, and I'm so far from home
I can't be reached, so far from here, I need you near
Argh. Found this out. Ryan Tedder's MARRIED?! And not to me?! Sigh. How could he?!
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Hehehe. Guess I have a pretty high fashion IQ huh? Can't say the same for the intellectual one. Anyway, I so conquered Concentration during Tits session. Too bad when I took the forfeit for Zakiah, everyone slapped v v v hard. The marks are still there...
You wanna know why? Hehehe. That's cos I slapped those who had to forfeit v v v hard. And so, being nice people, they took revenge. Hah. That aside, as usual, had super uber fun during Tits. A relaxer.
Oh, and I HATE SUPER HATE JERKING BUSES AND BUS DRIVERS WHO ARE JERKS. Hmmmpphh. Shall not elaborate but all I wanna do is sue either the bugger bus driver who spoiled my day or SBS or both. There.
Ok shall go look at my darling to make my day. Hehehe.
I am stuffed. With junk food. Hmmpphh. Snickers, chips, fish crackers and chocolate-covered raisins are swirling in my tummy. Washed down with Sprite. I am not complaining that I may grow fat or something. I am just afraid that I am going to get some kind of disease because of my eating habits.
CAS made my brain dead. Seriously. I dreaded school today. Can't even do CMA tutorial properly, which meant I came to CMA unprepared and practically dying in class. I can't focuslah. Good news I actually kinda understand PCA! Hehehe.
Anyway, tomorrow's my day off from school! Gonna spend the day studying before going for Tits. That's where I am gonna forget my problems for a while. Oh, yeahhh... Co & Co. Oh well, guess I am gonna do it tonight and do Bus Fin tomorrow. Oh slack today and rush everything tomorrow. Nononono. Ok, I am sprouting nonsense.
I want go home and bathe. NOW. And to stop eating chocolate-covered raisins with chips. NOW. Think I need to refrain from eating junk food. I have a problem with discipline. Especially when it comes to eating. My hand just can't stop reaching for food, when my tummy is nearly full. I end up feeling so bloated that all I wanna do is sleep. And laze around. And procrastinate.
Sigh. Ok I think I need the toilet. Greeeaaat.
Should I be thinking of HIM at this time of my life?
I know it's been days since Friday but I gotta say this (even though I am sure I am the last person to say it), Nadtits managed to win erm... majority of the PPP awards and TP won Pesta Peti Putih for the third time in a row! Ok that's not what I really wanted to talk about. I'll let the pics talk for themselves. That is, if I am not lazy enough to post them.
I just wanna say a job well done, to the PPP '08 crew. Maybe we can work together again in Pentas? Insyallah. You guys rocklah.
I initially had alot to say, but as usual, I lost them all. Oh I remember only one thing.
No offence but, I HATE MOTHERS WHO DARE TO LIGHT UP THEIR CIGS AND SMOKE IN FRONT OF THEIR LITTLE DARLINGS. I mean, what the !@!%#!$ is wrong with them?! I mean, I am fine with smokers but I simply cannot tolerate smokers who just smoke w/o looking around them first.
Ok. That's it. Can't remember the rest.
I swear, lectures, be it online or face-to-face, is still boring boring boringgg. Worse thing about online is, you can just stray away to other sites. That's what I did practically the whole lecture. I skipped all the explanations, just to fill in the blanks. Pathetic. I know.
CAS is gonna be one big challenge. I dunno how I am gonna cram 4 lectures by Monday. Co & Co is being one big beeyatch. So, sadly, I have to attempt doing it tonight. After Tits. Which means, it's gonna be a long night. SIGH.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's all my fault. Poor time management. Poor discipline. Hey, didn't blame anyone else ok. I admit I am a procrastinator who doesn't know how to arrange her schedule well. I am losing it! AAAAHHHH.
Take for example, today. I was supposed to be up by 0630, and have Dad send me to school at 0730 for morning jog with Chu Wen at 0800. But nooo, my lazy arse just won't let me. Ended up waking at 8 smth. Am getting good at SMS-ing in a groggy state. Rushed bla bla bla. Was supposed to get back to school at 4 to study CAS but nooo I was too tired and lazy. SIGH.
Ok, so tonight, Co & Co. Thursday night, Law. Friday CAS. Saturday CAS. Sunday CAS. Monday CAS. Greattt. And I still haven't figured out what to wear for the awards show. Really, I don't think I can study CAS and decide on what to wear at the same time. Guess tmw night I am gonna terrorise my wardrobe.
Whoopeee.
Ok. Whew. What a week last week was. Let's fill in on what happened. Pesta Peti Putih happened babyyyyy!!! And it was fantastic. I don't care whether we win or not(actually I would still care, but that's not the point), 'cos we had a great time moulding the play, from just a teeny weeny idea to a WOW story.
I remembered the many hours I sit before my laptop, before the script. Crying. Freaking out. Stressing out. Panicking. Never thought that we could make it. PPP consumed erm... let's see. How many months? About 3 months? Lost count. Heh.
I had a love-hate relationship with PPP. But what made me love PPP most was the team. We had fun, despite the stress and the many hours we sacrificed, going to and fro TAPAC, staying back in school and going home in the wee hours, getting nagged and scolded by parents.
It was just full of nice memories. Getting scolded for playing with lighters and for setting things on fire. Being known as the future potential arsonist and pyromaniac.
Right, so Friday is the awards show! Breaking my brain, thinking of what to wear. Theme's Red Carpet Glamour and we have set to wearing red and black. So many ideas, so little time. Sigh. Oh wait. CAS test is on Monday. Oh joy...
Hopeless
I am very angry. Why? Cos I could not complete my PCA tutorial!!! GRRR. My focus wasn't in. I attempted doing it for like 3 hours and still I could not finish. *smashes head against wall*
Anyway, since I can't do tutorials, might as well go online right? Had CARE today at the airport. It was a nice day, with all the kids. I did not get to buddy up with them though :( But I finally finally get to be a photographer for a day. Not that I was supposed to. Hehe... DSLR baby was all mine for today!!! Too bad I still have a long way to being a good photographer.
I am happyyy to announce that projects are over. Well, for this sem. Friday was the day we ended. 0800 to 1700. We finished up CAS project and submitted. Felt like we were working people. Thought that I wanted to curl up and just sleep for a century after the submission but ended up watching The Dark Knight.
It was niceee. I did not nod off for even a single second despite lack of sleep. And I teared up at some scenes. I know, sappy me. Dumb us were all watching with our heads looking up. Yup, 2 seats from the front. Once the movie ended, everyone was rushing around like headless roaches trying to get home. Thank God that the last bus for 38 was not that early. Heh.
Going for family outing tomorrow. It's been weeks since I spent a whole day with my family. This is what Monday will be:
- Start training for 2.4 km Monday morning.
- After that chiong PCA. After lecture and tutorial, practise ACCPAC. Yes, I am a noob at that.
-After that, PPP rehearsal.
- After that, doze off in bus and wake up a few stops from my stop and walk/run home cos it's really dark and I know I like to look around.
- Pant in front of the lift and try not to look at my reflection.
- Get in the lift, and try not to look outside the lift doors or the mirrors.
- Fish out my keys and fumble and swear at my door.
- Slam the door w/o making a single noise.
- Find something to eat.
- Bathe.
- Pray.
- Look for what to wear on Tuesday.
- Pack bag.
- Sleep.
So, I would be awake on Monday from 0600 - 0100. That's like 25 staggering hours.
Oh joy, oh rapture.
And I should either a) get free incoming for my prepaid, b) minimise hp use, c) get line instead of prepaid or d) completely not use hp. Which is impossible. Cos that would be the death of me.
SIGH.
I Wipe My Bloodshot Eyes
Made a sad sad post but decided to keep it for myself. I really am just full of angst. Shall just place two words from the post.
PRESSURE & SATISFYING PEOPLE
Nights. Oh and those words up there? They don't mix. Never. So don't try to make me mix them.
Oh the irony of it all. That was me talking when I was so certain that poly life wouldn't grab a knfe and stab you in the back.
Am in a really violent mode now. I am like one of those terminators waiting to annihilate people. I am grumpy I am moody. Think it's one of those days. I am not complaining or whining so quit saying I am a self-absorbed person. I know I tend to grasp things slower than others so quit changing me. Quit underestimating me and doubting me.
I can be a threat if I put my mind to it. Oh yeah. You don't know how big a threat I can be. I am not gonna let myself drown just cos of obstacles. I am gonna make myself stop taking orders from people so frequently. I aint no puppet. I aint no shallow girl who seems to just love being materialistic. I am an
I think v deeply in my mind. Alot goes in my mind. I think of the future. MY future. Whether I am gonna succeed in life. Whether I should do this, do that. Whether everything's gonna be ok. Whether I can make it in life. Whether people accept me for who I am.
I found my study technique. So going to work on it. Going to push myself. Sick of being looked down.
Go sleep Hana. Obviously something's bothering me. Oh wait, yeah, it's me.
I feel small. I feel lost. I feel... well... hopeless. STILL.
sigh.
Ok, I am really pathetic. I've been stuffing my face with chocolate bread, dried mangoes and some other food just to make myself awake. With the music blasting into my ears. And I have resorted to slapping myself.
Ahhh... what joy projects bring.
My Saturday turned out fun despite the Bus Fin test. Ok don't even go there. Between doing Law, watched youtube scary videos. And... something that made my darling laptop traumatised. Thanks ah guys.
But on top of that, this week was pretty much nice even with many many loads cos I laughed nearly every single day.
Anyway, I love my skin now! Trés chic! Let's see how many skins I have so far:
1st - The black one with the gorgeous picture.
2nd - The one with that traffic lights.
3rd - The brown gorgeous skin. Wondered why I changed.
4th - The one Yaya Papaya's using now. HA.
5th - The black and white skin.
6th - The one with the hearts and girlie stuff.
7th - The one with the stop sign.
This is the 8th! Haha. I really have nothing better to do. Better sleep. Head nodding off violently, danger of hitting the keyboard.
Oh and I have to start to train my body to run 3.2 km in less than an hour. Haha. Man I really have to start training for NAPHA.
I know I should already be in Dreamland but I needed to check my emails. As usual, a mountain greeted me. Greeeaaat. And some were, as usual, important.
Anyway, chionged the whole week's tutorials on Sunday. Haha. Cos this week's uber packed. So packed that I don't even have time to do projects. So so sorry group members. You guys have been v understanding.
So, left Co & Co. Arrggghhh. So Wednesday cram CMA into brain, Wednesday complete Co & Co. Felt bad about skipping CAS and APEL last week. Man, I really hate being absent. Cos my attendance looks bad.
Oh well. TAPAC tmw. 12 onwards. So absent for tutorials AGAIN. Oh well. All the best for PPP.
I wanna watch:
- Hancock
- Hellboy 2
- The Love Guru
- The Strangers
That's the latest that I wanna watch. So, I really hope I get to watch a movie. And I miss going out to eat, watch movie, etc with 1A05. The old times. Oh well.
Now's the present and now I must sleep. Or else I'll be a grouchy person tmw.
GRRR.
I nodded off while in front of the laptop, printing CMA lecture notes.
I nodded off while waiting for the notes to finish printing. Looked like a dumbo with hands propped up, eyes nearly closing. If not for Mimi, who made me wake up, all shocked. She was like,
"HEY!!! Watcha doing??? I am almost done with breakfast. Going to school already!!! Eh, are you sleeping???" Yes, she's like friggin loud in the morning.
I went off, "Ermm... zzzznolah where got I sleep nonsenselah!" Then I start acting busy.
Then, I nodded off in CMA lecture. Ok, I know I sometimes do that, but this time, I was seriously fighting with my eyes and my brain to wake up instead of sleeping. It. Was. Like. Fighting. With. A. Bull.
Nodded off again in Bus Fin tutorial. Teacher looking, eyes open. Teacher look away, eyes close. Teacher suddenly look at me, eyes half open, half closed. Thank God was sitting nearest to the wall. I got to lean.
In Co & Co, I actually also nodded off. Right while I was painting. With the brush still in my hands. My top was on the verge of getting painted.
Now, in front of the laptop, doing up the PPP crew thingy and I actually nodded off. I think I also slept for about 5 seconds with my hands still on the keyboard. Turned on to loud music, no go. Still zzzed.
Just another off those signs and symptoms that I am turning into a workaholic. Or a slackerholic. Whatever. I may complain that I hate assignments etc etc but I secretly like it when we have to do so.
Ok... just nodded off again. Right, I'll continue tomorrow. Can't even think straight. HAHA.
Yesterday I went home grumbling to myself, thinking of the busy week I was going to have to face. Tutorials I can't focus on, projects that test your will power and the people that you have to deal with.
Then, I caught this documentary on central, about the human spirit. This guy was suffering from a disease that made him look half man half tree. His wife left him to take care of his kids all by himself, despite his condition. His hands were practically immobile. And you knew how he provided for his kids?
He went on shows to showcase his disease. He was called a freak. But he would do it so that his kids would have food on the table. It made me see my life in a whole new perspective. I actually weeped over the documentary.
I mean, I complain that school sucks, it drains my energy, too many tutorials etc etc and whine and whine but I have never appreciated for being able to be provided with education.
I complain that I can't always buy clothes, that everybody has better clothes when I never saw that there are people out there who can't even afford to buy clothes.
I worry about how I look like, I worry about the flaws in myself, I complain about food when there are those out there who can't even see how they look like, those who are too deformed but still love themselves and embrace themselves for who they are and never ever blamed God when here I am, in the pink of health, only minor flaws that are nothing and yet feeling like I am the worse.
The thing is, never think you got the worst. They are those out there far more worse than you.
I complain about school and the too many schoolwork when there are those out there who would do anything to get into school.
I am not preaching or anything but, let's just stop being so self-conceited and selfish and get out of that bubble we are in. I am not saying that we can't complain about our life, but, just be thankful to God for how you are now.
So from now onwards, whenever I want to complain or blog about how 'horrible' my life is and how life is unfair, I would take a step back, look up to the sky and thank God for the life I have.
For being able to wake up in the morning, see the beautiful earth, see your loved ones, eat fantastic food and enjoy life. We are here on Earth for a short while; make the most of it. Stop complaining so much till we forget to appreciate our life.Make the most of it.
Saturday was a nice day. Like finally. Despite the fact that there was Law test. Shall not clog my blog with comments about the Law test. Just gotta say, if I had studied more, it would have been a more pleasant test.
So went to airport to recce the place and to have our IG meeting. I liked sitting on the aircon thingy at the viewing mall at T3. Cooling... hahaha. Then, moved to T1 to have the meeting. Ended up at Popeye's to have some sort of early dinner cos Siao Wei was starving. Despite the fact that we had lunch only a few hours back.
Yada yada yada and now my stomach feels upset. I shall not eat fried chicken for the time being. The oil makes me sick. I remember I used to eat kfc for a whole week straight. Usually after IG meetings. Haha.
Went home and I ended up nodding off in the bus and I actually woke up only a few stops away from my stop. Have been doing so quite frequently nowadays. Sigh.
I finally did my BOE P&L! Haha. One down, many more to go. I shall do PCA tutorial tonight and then sleep and then wake up for project meeting. Wowee. All in the name of good grades and a bright future ahead.
I got the CD finally!!! At least one good thing came out from this week.
Oh what a
My Tuesday, if it were an equation, would roughly be this:
Nescafe + Chicken rice + Dumb CMA results which I thought could get an A + FIAT + Accident + Drama rehearsal gone kooky + Spoiled car outing + Car workshop + Heart pain + Taxi ride home + Business Finance tutorial + Late night surfing = Horrible horrible Tuesday
I was more in a daze even though I was supposed to be focusing in school. Sigh. And now I can't finish my Bus Fin tutorial cos despite my brain wanting to finish it, my heart doesn't want to.
... I wanna talk nonsense with no limits pronto. Haven't had that since ermmm, a week? My crapping partner not anywhere to be seenleh. Oh well, might as well sleep.
SIGH.
Yeah Boo
OK I am back I am back I am back!!! Hallelujah!!! *Runs around the room*
Hehehehe. Man a week without using the com made me feel funny. Oklah, I admitted to having this Internet Addiction Disorder so that answers my funny feeling. Anyway, opened my email to find out that I have so many mails and that some actually required me to reply. Ms Lee had to call me to tell my that she actually sent me an important email. Whoops. In the end, she got my reply through the phone. Which meant that I my prepaid went down significantly. SIGH.
Anyway, the reason I haven't been on the Net for so long is that I have been caught up with family! Yes, family. Then, Kakak and Mimi and... practically everyone in the family sorta banned me from using the com for a period of time. Dang. Next time they ban me, I am so gonna tell them I need to use the com for school matters. Meaning if I were to miss using the com it would lead to my slaughter. Hehe. Dramatic I know but true.
Mouse is acting up. Funny thing is, when the mouse was working, I used to use the laptop touch thingy even with the mouse connected (Yes, I know dumb). And now, when it's not working, I hate using the touch thingy and tend to put my hand on the dead mouse (Yes, I know even dumber, and why did I place that dead mouse beside me?! So uber dumb).
A week's absence has also led me to writing a substantially long post, compared to the ones I write nearly every day. Sigh, the door just opened. Kakak's back. Hope she doesn't nag or anything.
Let's see. I am darker. Dang. Thanks to a trip to Escape. But it was fun fun fun!!! I went to the Pirate's Ship twice. And ended up laughing, crying and screaming at the same time. Went for the Go-Kart twice. And twice I drove too slow. Haha. And my face was like all contorted and constipated while driving. Considering whether to take my driving license or not. Haha.
Hmmm.. now that I cleared the mail, guess I'll start on PCA project. Monday's school. Hectic cycle all over again. As if the hols weren't hectic enough. Ahhh! Have to wake up right on time. No more lateness. Have to. Guess this is the umpteenth time I am saying this. Haha. But oklah, kinda happy school starting. Haha.
Gotta trim my hair! It's starting to grow out and it's starting to have an attitude. Hmmm guess I'll bring Yaya Papaya with me when I trim. Any cheap places to trim anyone?
4E4 having a class bbq 12 July. Sigh. I wanna go but I think I might have something on. As usual. But I'll find a way! Haha. When I say that, I mean it. Hehe.
Ok, guess I have to go into School mode now. Sigh. It was good while it lasted. Sayonara good family time. Hello school. Yeah boo. Yeah for the part of me that loves school and the boo for the part of me that dislikes school. Told ya I have two sides to me.
And I realised that I used quite a number of lah's in this post. Gasp. Never ever blog like how I talk, I always tell myself. Meaning, if I wanna speak Singlish it's alright, but try not to when I blog. Cos it might lead to me using more Singlish than ever. Right, whatever.
Peace.
I...
I :
- can't believe I ate 2 packets of biscuits and a long bar of chocolate during project meeting just now.
- can't believe I had enough sleep the night before.
- can't believe I drank only plain water the whole day.
- can't believe I am losing my fashion sense day by day.
- am afraid of sleeping. Seriously. For reasons I cannot disclose.
- can't believe I heard more than my fair share of ghost stories during family chalet.
- can't believe I actually got to rewind and relax during family chalet.
- can't believe that what I thought I managed to get rid is back again with a vengeance.
- can't believe how helpless I was during project meeting just now. Sigh.
- am riding on the rollercoaster of emotions. (Hey what's new?)
- just realised that I have yet to complete my tutorials due next week and study for the law test that's gonna be held next Saturday.
Ok, that's enough I this, I that. Heh. So, the weekend went by in a horrible horrible blur. It was too fast. That's what happens when you're having too much fun. Oh well, at least I have energy topped up for slogging. Wheee.
Oh man, I have yet to collect my GV card. 2 more weeks. Hmmpphh. Dunno when I can find the time to collect it. I am beginning to think that the reason why I always feel overwhelmed is not only because of my incompetence to manage my time properly but more than that.
I am not gonna shoot people this time round. Don't think it's beneficial. For once. And also cos I am in a happy mood.
I need The Cardigans' music. I need all of their albums. But I was thinking, if one album costs around let's say, $20, then 6 would cost $120!!! Man, if I asked Dad for the $$, he's gonna chase me round Simei. And then round S'pore. Sigh. Hmmm... unless... hehe... I'll find alternative resources that are waaay cheaper. Hehe. You know what I mean. NO, not stealing. DUH.
My head has been bobbing to The Cardigans these past few weeks. They're really good. You should have a listen.
I initially had a lot to say but suddenly, all of those flew out of my head.
Oh well, Ciao. Better to get sleep. So that I can focus tmw. Yeah right. All I am gonna do tmw is stare at Ryan and Siew Hwa do Accpac. Cos I am downright blur when it comes to the part where you combine accounting and computer softwares. Reminded of MBS project. Siiigh. Thank God I am much much better at theory.
Ok, Ciao.
Yet Again...
As you can see, I changed my skin again. My 7th! Wheee. This means I am bored. I think I'll go sleep now. I have project meeting tomorrow followed by Tits. Oh I woke up with this
Means I gotta get more sleep.
Oh well.
Peace.
Ok I really am going to blow my top soon. I know that we all have priorities and important things but c'monlah, have you ever thought that I too have those? Have you ever thought that my commitments are also demanding, if not more?
Have you ever thought how many hours of the day I spend thinking of how I am gonna get all my things done? Have you ever thought that I was hoping that you would have initiative?
Have you ever thought that there are more many frigging people out there who have more serious stress compared to you?
HUH?! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF ALL THESE?
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT I CAN'T KEEP ON DOING THIS SOLO?!
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT I TOO AM SHATTERING MY OWN LIFE?!
I am so gonna focus on my studies Year 3 onwards. I don't care. I can't keep on sacrificing my life for others. What's the point of making people happy when you have a bad grade in your studies.
Damn you. Thanks man, for making my Friday a foul one. Here's one tight slap for you.
It's 15 minutes to 2 but I can't sleep. Why? Cos I got too excited from doing PCA and had a big cup of strong iced coffee for lunch. It's been like 13 hours but it hasn't worn off. Must get it tmw. Haha.
I am getting back my love for accounts back. Hope it can last throughout my remaining time in poly. And also, beginning to prefer accounting compared to finance cos damn finance is both theory and maths. I love the maths part but hate the looong formulas and theory. Too much for my too small brain. It's like putting a boulder onto a small piece of marshmallow.
*SMUSH*
There goes my brain.
So I am trying to make myself an accounts pro again after 2 years of being an accounts noob and taking accounting as an elective. HA. I am praying v hard to be shown which is the right choice.
Two paper done and I don't even wanna talk about it. Whenever dad asks how was the paper, I just shrug and say "Oh, it was ok," and he would be panicking, cos that means I am not confident of myself.
I really should either sleep or study more. Instead of blogging.
I suddenly want a big fat steak. Right now. HA. Crazy...
Finally the panic sets in. Told you I always let things sink in when everybody has already got it a looong time ago. Woke up and started thinking,
HOLY MOLY HANA, MID SEM TESTS ARE COMING TUESDAY AND YOU HAVEN'T STARTED REVISING!!! AND YOU HAVE NO INKLING WHAT IS HAPPENING IN CAS!!!
Have been sweating bullets and pulling my hair out whenever I can't solve tutorial questions since yesterday. Nails are suffering too. Sigh.
So here is what I plan to do (cos obviously I am sick of studying for today and I just wanna slack):
1. Print ALL notes for CAS. (God knows how many trees I need to do so).
2. Listen to CAS lectures. (W/o falling asleep or purposely switching on imeem).
3. Revise Bus Finance. (Formulas and more formulas despite the fact that they'll provide us with that).
4. Seriously manage my time well.
5. PPP Script!!! (Get your whoopie on it Hana!!!).
6. PCA. (Please please please let me score, serio$usly. I need it).
7. Start investing in coffee. (Cos I bloody need it this week).
That's about it. For now. Oh and counting down the days till I get my maxi dress. =))). Gotta stop all emotions. Time to focus on exams. So I'll be emotionless. I've done it before and I'll do it again. Cos I know better than to be overflowing with emotions when I am supposed to focus on exams.
When you let your heart win, all you'll get is a BIG FAT F. Yup, I really want a good GPA. I really hope I get all the support I can get.
I am in a very nice mood. For once. Thank God I made Mimi watch Made of Honour with me. It's so niceee. Romantic comedy. I never thought that I would watch it cos I thought it would be so cliche. Well, actually it's a cliche story but it's so... sigh romantic. And funny. And sweet.
What the heck am I talking? Feeling proud of myself. Did PCA which means I don't have to rush or resort to copying tomorrow. I must work hard. Must get a GPA of 3 or more.
Am in love with Dashboard Confessional. Again. Haha. Heard their song, 'Stolen' in Made of Honour. Made me love love love them again. First was 'Vindicated' and now 'Stolen'.
I sound damn psycholah. And I sound like this nut who is always feeling lovey-dovey every second of the day. Just happened to be in the lovey feeling today. Only today. Cos I heard their song.
I really should sleep. Have to get rid of this feeling. So... well... funny for me. Heh.
*Washes brain with acid*
I am bored. Which is why I posted that.
And that.
Stomach's acting up. Scouring the net for info. For projects. See? I am v hardworking. Riiight. Padahal pergi cari websites for clothes and more clothes. Online shopping is so gonna be my hobby in the future. Too bad I don't have a mountain full of moolas!!! Then I am so gonna buy all the clothes in the world. Ok I sound so shallow. And I AM NOT.
Hmw tmw. Script too. So I am free to do project research and script edits the whole of next week. Hope that's possible. FOCUS is the thing I am looking for here, people. Oh, and discipline too.
Itching to change skin again. Tsk...
Yup that's me. I've been that since Monday. Practically wasted. And wilted. Energy levels going down. Really down. Guess it's that time of the year where I get sick. I am not bragging or anything but honestly I get sick once a year and it's the major sickness type. The one that gets your nose dripping or body quivering cos your insides are making a riot. Oh and the one that makes you feel as if you're part of molecules that are in boiling water.
Great man. Projects are like in full gear, we've gotten quite few infos, tutorials finally caught up (slightly), Drama I managed to grasp. And this sickness had to come at this time. Hope I can even wake up in the morning and be able to go to school. Cos I really hate getting MCs. It's like you're sick right? And you go to the doctor where there's practically more people who's sick. That I don't mind cos it's a free country and I don't own all the clinics, hospitals or polyclinics. But the thing that irks me, really irks me is that some inconsiderate people just simply cough or sneeze w/o covering their mouths.
Ok whatever. I was just trying to let out my anger. Serves me right. I forgot that my body needs my attention. I've been giving my attention to people and neglecting myself. Been trying to please people and not pleasing myself. Making people happy and hurting myself and not pampering myself. I've always thought that I shouldn't complain cos there's others out there worse than me. But I thought, if I were to always care about what people thought of me, biler mau game? When will my self-destruction ever end?
I've always thought I should always be the mediator and always listen to people, never talk and talk about myself to others. Cos I said to myself, honey, people weren't born to hear people yak about their life, problems etc. They'll only hear when they have $$ up their whoopies. I don't mind listening. But I know people'll mind. And thus, I become the clammed up shell. Or rather, clammed up wilted person.
I really am sick, aren't I? Nothing better to do than vent out. This time, the sickness comes in the form of a major hit in the cerebrum. Other than the standard ones. Damn.
Praying that I can attend tutorials. Cos I can't afford to skip any.
I just can't say NO to anybody, WHY???
I am hardworking Hana today. I did all my tutorials (minus PCA and Law) for this week. Finished my script at a time I can't believe. Hahaha.
Anyway, I realised that I keep so much inside and let it burn inside me. Then when I plan to let that out, it's burnt out. And I become calm. But strangely it applies only to friends. I don't do that when it comes to family. Only sometimes.
Weird isn't it? I know why. It's cos I got so used to seeing people get hurt that I get this mindset that you should always always always please people cos it's not nice if you hurt them or go against them. The result is that I never say 'No' to people (unless I really have to), just agree to their suggestions or stuff (even when I have my own views and opinions), and I never voice out my opinions.
Why? For fear of being rejected. I've seen how people voice out their opinions and get stomped on for doing so. So that scared me. What if I was that person? Shudder.
I always amuse myself when it comes to decision making and I have to choose one idea. I always nod and agree when that person tells me his or her idea. In the end, I always go with the flow.
Dumb me. Strangely enough, I am always the one deciding when it comes to my sister or family. Haha.
I am beginning to think that I am made up of two people.
Whee going crazy.
Lost my ability to put words nicely together.
Crappola.
I do not want to be me now. Why? Let's see. God has been shooting me with problems, stress, dilemmas and emotional upturns this year so far. I know God is testing me and it's supposed to make me emerge as a stronger person, or so they say.
But maybe God tipped the 'Let's make Hana's life crappy so we can make her a better person' cart too much? Ok, fine I know God knows best. So there's a reason for everything that's happening. But I have yet to know what that is.
Hmmm. Writer's block. Brain refuses to generate any creative and interesting ideas fit for PPP script. I have darn knocked my brain, racking to get the passion and love inside me so I can write a decent script. But all I see is deadlines. DEADLINES people. Kalau skrip pasal deadlines cmfm aku score punyer.
I don't even know why Tits entrusted me with the script. Sorry man if I blew up our chances of clinching the trophy and making it ours forever. I know PPP is not about the trophy but we all know deep inside we HAVE TO win. PRESSURE people. But I don't blame anyone.
Business Finance tutorial was like hell. I mean, I understand what it was about, but I just couldn't do it smoothly. ARGHHHHH. And I haven't got the hmw ready for Co & Co. Can I smash my head against the wall w/o waking anyone up?
I really really really wanna do the script now but my heart is not in at the moment. So's my brain. I am so sorry really. I am not gonna get to meet deadlines at the rate my life is going.
Know what I wanna do right now? Slip out of the house, board a plane to Switzerland and lie in the snow, away from my hectic and messed up life. Lay quietly. Peacefully.
Argghh. I sound so selfish and self-conceited. But I think I got myself into too many commitments. Not that I hate it but maybe the workload is just too much? For example, every single day of next week I will be going home late. Guess Sunday finish up all my tutorials.
Projects started. Just f-ers if you ask me. Hate finding info for projects. Mom says this is only poly and the family hardly see my face. She said wait till I work. They'll only see my face once every week or smth. It hurts when she said that but I think, it's true. That's the sad fact.
Which is why I don't know what I am gonna do when I grow up. I don't wanna be an accountant despite of the attractive salary. It's just too demanding. My social life's gonna suffer.
You know, I got to visit nenek in the hospital ONLY ONCE before she died. ONLY ONCE. Of all the months she got admitted into the hospital, I can count the number of times I visited. Lesser than 10. I got too caught up with work I forgot about the people I love so much. They get neglected.
Heira, Ika, mimi say I don't have time for Mikaeeray outings anymore. Mama, dad, kakak say I hardly am at home and have time for family outings. I remember when nenek was healthy and I came to her house which was rare after I got into poly. When I was leaving from her house she would say,
"Come more oftenlah. I hardly see you. Why so busy? I always don't see you. Don't work too hard," I would just nod and say,
"Busy with school nenek," and leave. But I would always kiss her and hug her before leaving, never knowing when will be the last time I would be able to do so. Remember her rough hands holding me and hugging me. Remember her nagging about wasting her electricity. Remember her lipstick which was green but strangely was pink when she put it on.
I was just too damn busy too even take care of her. And now she's gone. It's too late. I can't forget how she looked when she died. So peaceful.
I regretted when yayi died. And now I regret again when nenek died. I always regret and it's too late. Guess this is how God is punishing me. Giving me too much work cos I always prioritise work over family.
And mom joked that when she or dad died, I would be too busy at work or overseas to see them for the last time. That hurt. Really hurt. But it was true. I am not angry at her for saying that. But will that really happen to me? Please God, I do not want to regret and miss spending time with my parents before they leave me. Please just don't.
I am just praying that I get over this test and move on, stop crying for nenek and shake my weak self out. I must be strong. God help me. I promise that I will write the script with love and treat it as my life. I promise I will clean up my life.
All I want from people is a hug. You don't have to ask me what's wrong or whether I am ok. I won't tell the truth. I would just say I am ok. Just come up to me and give me a comforting hug. That's enough. I notice I avoid the topic when people ask me how I am doing, how I feel about nenek's death.
So just hug me and don't say anything. That will be enough and everything's gonna be ok.
The weekend saw me in a daze.
Just need some privacy for now if you could give me.
That's all I gotta say.
In mourning.
What's in the past is in the past so I am gonna (try) to forget that incident.
Ok, so IG people came for baking and stuff fest at my house. Omg, I swear, I do not want to see or eat a cookie or chocolate for like 2 weeks. Seriously. I am gonna run like e whole of e reservoir if I do. Imagine we made cookies on Thursday and Sunday. The WHOLE day. Plus night.
So, once done cleaning up the kitch which looked like terrorists ambushed it, I tried to do PCA. Really. I was so enthu, then droop drooop drooooooop. My eyes! They were drooping! Plus, I couldn't get it and my answer was so friggin far from the answer. Tried one qn, then the next, and now I gave up. How ah? Guess I'll try to do it during e sales in the morning.
Groaaan. Have to be there by 8.30. Hehehe. But I get to take a cab and get claim. Why? Cos I am carrying the goodies. And that's considered transportation expenses. I think.
Hmmm 3 more hours to waking up time. I am so gonna nod off during lecture and during PCA. My mouth is so itching to comment about her but hey, I don't really know her so maybe I'll give her a chance.
Stressed up 'bout tutorials and my studies. I am obviously lagging behind. I was aiming to do tutorials after every lecture but going home late and loaded with activities has hindered me from doing so. Maybe after GetFat Day? After PPP? Wait. After PPP it would be too late.
I know what I can do. Lock up my baby. Yes. Lock her up. Then I will be able to concentrate on tutorials and studies. Plunk my baby in the top cupboard.
So guess I'll do that tmw. Bye bye dear baby. Oh my baby is my laptop btw. N some friend of mine reminded me about CMA online lecture. And this friend of mine reminded me how a slacker I am. Thanks ah friend.
LET'S JUST TAKE SCOTCH TAPE, WRITE "SLACKER" ON IT AND STICK IT ON MY HEAD.
SLACKER!!!
If you think friends are more important than family, you may stay out as you please.
Let's say you got that msg after having a hard day at school. And it was from someone who you thought was always behind you, supportive of you and understood you.
You go home hoping to seek refuge from the pressure but instead you get this msg, accusing you of having fun with friends when in truth you are cracking your head trying to find a solution to the dilemma you are having at school. Head weighed down with problems, personal and school-related and physically weighed down with your laptop and a plastic bag.
You go home and find the atmosphere at home cold and uninviting. Of course, everyone's in their rooms. But your elder sister, with whom you're sharing the room with, isn't in it. She's with your younger sister. So you go inside your room, and put down all the things weighing you down.
You bathe and stuff. You only realise you got that harsh HARSH msg when you finish bathing. You feel your eyes tearing. You suddenly feel all alone. You suddenly feel like just running back out of the house and never coming back. But instead, you trudge back to your room like a wounded animal.
You lie down on your bed and suddenly you feel like you're 9 all over again, when you started realising that you were insignificant. You want to run over to your laptop, your dear baby, but realised that you're too tired. You realise that you don't have nowhere to refuge to. The only refuge you have is your Diary but you are too upset and tired to write.
So you get your head all knotted up crying and thinking where you went wrong. Your mind rewinds back to the time when you started Poly. When you knew that somehow, you're gonna be damn busy, even more busier than when you were in Red Cross back in the sec school days.
Of course, your family tell you that they understand that you are busy, always busy. They tell you that they will always be there for you. But, as the days go by, you realise, Is ignoring me and discouraging and belittling my school activities a way of being there for me? You think and realise, NO.
They should be concerned about the developments of your school activities. They should always be there with open arms, ready to envelop me in a hug, to protect me from all the hardships in this big, cruel world. But no. They never seem to appreciate all the things you do. You tend to go out with friends more compared to your family because you have been ignored and not cared for in a long time. And also cos they're busy.
So when you finally found wonderful friends, you feel so much better. As usual, people say middle children is always ignored. SO RIGHT. And middle children always do different things from their siblings. SO GODDAMN RIGHT. And because of you being different, the family just can't accept that difference. You are seen as the black sheep of the family.
So back to your room. You think of your relationship with your youngest sister with whom you have been having a Cold War with because of a tiny thing. You realise that you have been trying to seek a confidante and best friend in her but she has always been hurting you by treating you with little respect.
She shouts at you. She talks back to you. She treats you as if you are the younger sister. She never thinks of you as a role model. She even called you a nuisance once. And you just swallow all that in cos you think, oh maybe cos you were a bad older sister too. So you swallow all the sadness and bitterness.
You have been trying to find a real, breathing, speaking confidante instead of a Diary. You are sick of always having to bottle things in. But you think, who in this world would want to be a confidante? A person to hear you out? You know that you are one but, you are pretty darn sure that it's hard to find people who genuinely care about you.
So you are doing the script for an upcoming drama competition. You are excited about being part of it and also overwhelmed at the same time. But soon, as the pressure piles on, you are left alone cos the so called support system that you thought was always there turns out to be against you.
No one from the support system asks about how the competition is going. Instead they keep on scolding you for going home late etc. When you know that there is no choice to prevent that from happening.
You know how, That is, to withdraw yourself from everything. But you realise, oh you need them to go Uni. To succeed in life. Oh you poor dear. And you calculate, even with a GPA of 4 all the way, it's still a slim chance. And you know v well that 4 is impossible. at most 3 smth.
So you cry and cry. You cry till you can't cry. So all you've got is sadness in your heart. You try v hard to manage your time. It's possible but you need support and backing from loved ones. But you don't have any of that. So here you are suffering, trying to get tutorials done and lectures in your head while trying to get the script done and trying to be more useful in IG.
Then... the person who sent you that msg is being caring again. You know that it's sincere, but, what that person has done by sending that msg means that he really meant it. And by doing so, that person has damaged your relationship with that person. You wanna forget about that msg and you have deleted it but its etched on your mind so clearly. Crystal clear. And its tearing you.
That person can't change things again. What's done is done. That person has damaged your relationship with that person and your family. Cos by sending that msg, that person is representing your family and they are showing that they do not understand what you are going through and why you are going through that.
Then... wait. You guys read between the lines lah eh? Guess you guys know who 'you' is. So obvious. All 'you' asks for is some balance in her life. And a listening ear. A sincere listening ear. Cos she has too many heard from 'sincere' people complaining that she is such a pain in the butt. And that is v hurting on her frail self-esteem and self-confidence.
She is finally asking for this cos she needs it v much now. She can't take it anymore. So 'you' says, please, no fake people. She doesn't need them. She wants a sincere, caring listening ear.
Oh and 'you' wants to say that the support system is not at fault too. She is in the wrong too, but still they have some faults too. She says she loves them still no matter what. She doesn't want to hurt them or make them hate her.
And she wants to say that she is v afraid of the future and what is to become of her. She is v v v afraid.
Presenting the 99th post. The post where I whine like some brat about how my life is mish-mashed and where I am trying to (unsuccessfully) get my life back on track. Gotta get my tutorials done, other things accomplished and be more disciplined. Ahhh sick of whining about school. So that's it for whining. Done.
"Temporary" by Paramore describes how I am feeling right now,
I used to be so quick, so clever
I used to know myself much better
Yes, I miss the times when I know what the teacher is teaching. I miss the ticks on my paper. I miss the times when I am not a blur sotong. I miss the times when I am in control of my life. I miss the times when I enjoyed doing homework. I miss the times when POA was one of my strongest subjects.
CRAPPOLA LIFE OF MINE!!!
Biggest regret is to slack for POA during Sec 4. Shoooooot. Serves me right. Have to start all over again from the bottom.
Oh well. Poly is different. It's a challenge. And no matter how much I say I hate challenges, it's inevitable. I have to get used to it soon. Yawning non-stop. Think my mouth has this mechanism where it goes yawning every 30 seconds or smth. Same goes for my eyes, except that they close instead of opening.
Speaking of mechanisms, guess what? Colour & Coordination turns out to be a fusion of D&T and Art.
D & T + Art = Headache from hell
Plus, we have to buy the supplies to draw. Crappola. It's not cheap you know. I am digging through things to find my A3 folder I used for D & T. Oh wait, I didn't get it back. Hahaha. Shoot lah. My poor papa's gonna be broke with my demands. Or rather, the school's demands.
Let's see. I nodded off when it was all talk during P & C Acc. But, I got all enthu when we started going through tutorials and classwork. Maybe there's hope for my rusty brain. I have to get 3 or more for GPA this sem onwards. I HAVE TO.
Guess that's all. Back to the script. Sigh. I have no idea how I became a scriptwriter. And of all scripts, I have to write a script for PPP.
What pressure.
Ok, there's this thing about meetings that you love and hate. For me, there's a love and hate part. Love is where I get to observe how people move, how they talk etc. And we get to resolve things. That's great. Cos multiple heads are better than one. Hahaha.
Hate part? I blank off. Seriously. At times, when my brain jams, then hangs and needs to restart again. That's where I blank off. Cos my brain overloaded.
Oooh really my brain is really dried. Squeezed dry of ideas, fun things and stuff. I feel like when I go to places, I have no purpose. I just well, walk for the need.
Ok I feel so, hmmm. No words can desribe it. Ok, I'll just say I am in a bubble right noe. It's not gonna pop any time soon so I am going to have a blank and dazed look for the time being.
Sigh.
First day of school and I already lost my brain. I think I lost it somewhere during the CAS lecture. The part where the lecturer said the subject is purely online stuff. When I heard that,
*PLUNK*
So I was brainless for the whole lecture. Oh and get this,
CAS project = FA project + MBS project
So, nightmares x 2. Whoopee.
Erm. That's about it I guess. 'Cept that the freshies are ermm getting more fashionable. Sad. I can't afford to always buy nice clothes. Sigh it's ok. There's more earthshaking matters that are important in this world. Like getting a 3 point something for my GPA this sem.
So sleeves up and pens up. Let's get ready for sem 2.1 people. Let's get ready for heartpain, hair-tearing and sleepless nights. And a few occasional teary days.
=)
I am still upset
I feel like jumping around and laughing like the Monkey King in Forbidden Kingdom. Damn I am done doing PPP assignment but yeah, I can't sleep. I am too keyed up. Heee.
Monday school starts. Here I come! Hoping there's gonna be an outing. Ok, recovering from the fact that A05 split but Cheryl I think still mourning. When we were about to go home from the movie, Cheryl's face was all scrunched up, like she was really going to cry. Because of that, I also felt like crying. Sigh.
Well, life goes on. Even if I am still upset about it, I have to get used to this thing called life. But, 1A05, you still are in a special place in my heart. Sigh. I got so attached to you guys. Thanks for making me feel wanted and happy.
=)
I am in a
"helpsmashmyheadagainstthewallcosihatethewaylifeisgoing.
"helpsmashmyheadagainstthewallcosihatethewaylifeisgoing.
ihatethatA05issplitandwegonnaseelessofeachother.
ihatethatislackedduringPOAlessonsinsec4
andnowhavetodoFAhmwwhichihate.
ihatethatihavesomanythingstodowhichareactuallynotalot.
hatethatistillprocrastinate.
hatethatisometimesfeelleftoutwithppliveknownallmylife.
hatethatjustwhenihavesettled
andlovemylifeitgetsupturnedhorribly.
hatethaticantsleepdespiteitbeing2
andihavetowakeupearlyforPPPworkshopat6tmw.
hatethatwewonthavefrequentA05outings.
hatethatiamsoattachedtoA05.
ilikebeingsoattachedtoA05butseewhathappensnow?thinkigonnacryinonecornernow."
mood.
Help, can't sleep and I feel like puking whenever I suddenly remember my fish & chips dinner. Made me sooo full. And I strangely keep seeing the swordfish that resembles chicken that Timothy ordered.
*shudder*
mood.
Help, can't sleep and I feel like puking whenever I suddenly remember my fish & chips dinner. Made me sooo full. And I strangely keep seeing the swordfish that resembles chicken that Timothy ordered.
*shudder*
I think my luck woke up on the wrong side of bed today. T05 is disbanded. Sigh. What luck. Only few of T05 is in my class. Sigh. I got a CDS that was second on my list but I wanted leadership more cos I get to write an essay (as Cheryl said). Oh well, at least Cheryl is in my CDS tutorial.
The sound of onions being chopped by mama is strangely comforting. Withdrawal from something you hold so close to you is so hard. I can vision it all now. First day of school, I have to learn new names and faces again. So hard for an introvert like me.
Tomorrow gonna see all the freshies. Hope they're low on the attitude factor. Saturday & Sunday PPP Workshop. I have to attempt FA assignment by today. If not, I am gonna be one frazzled kid. First week of school is gonna be a whirlwind of activities. Wednesday till Friday CCA Recruitment Drive. Friday is the orientation for freshies.
I think I lost myself with all these things going on. Whoopee.
Omg. Found this amazing blog. For you peeps out there who can't seem to find halal food, here's the place to go. Now got lobang. Whoopee. Ok that's all.
http://putri-berendam.blogspot.com/
Damn you.
I am back from camp! Haha. Whoopee. That was sarcastic btw. Anyway, camp was funfunfun. Oklah, minus the talks. Did some fun games for ice-breaking. Must tell sw some of them. First day we also played this shooting thingy that was like paintball but this uses infrared. Damn cool. I think it's called TRG or smth. What made it suck was that we had to wait for our turn due to shortage of guns.
Second day started off boring. Had a lecture on writing proposals. Whoopee. Then, watched this documentary about Ernest Shackleton. V moving. He was one damn good leader. You guys should watch it. Had lunch then had a lecture AGAIN. It strangely resembled an FA lecture. After that, we went for dragonboating. It was well, strenous.
My team was like all enthu and stuff. Unfortunately, we lost against the other team. Boohoo. Got drenched cos the other team made us wet. Whoopee. My jeans stuck to my legs like a second skin the whole time after that. Oh haha. My arms were major aching after the race. It was like a 250 m race.
I wasted precious kachings on a taxi ride home. I mean, I was too lazy to change and dad couldn't fetch me. Stupid taxi driver wanted to take the longer route home cos he said we were in a jam. Oh, dengar-dengar kalau jam kenek pergi jalan yang jauh per? Can't he just like dodge around like how other dumdum taxi drivers recklessly do?
I said, "Anythinglah. Any way is ok," I really meant it without being sarcastic or anything. He actually gave out an exasperated sigh after I said that. I mean, an exasperated sigh!!! Wth. I was being polite u dumdum. Anyway, he eventually went the shorter route. Hah. Take that. So went home, smelly like wet socks. Tits today was cancelled. Nareeza got sick. Take care babe. Don't get stressed.
Nothing much happened. Don't think I wanna put so much damn effort to make things happen. I mean, you can't always be the one having initiatives, can you? Next week's gonna be slightly busy. All the way till school starts.
Ciao.
I felt like I just went into mini-sized labour this morning. Ok, it's hyperbole to say that, but, really, damn it reduced me to shivers. Haha, okok, I went for my dental check-up. I wasn't nervous, in fact, I was as cool as a cucumber. But we had to wait for like 30 minutes till it was my turn. By then, I was practically shaking.
I thought that my teeth were going to be alright. 2 minutes passed ( I know cos I was looking at the clock in the office) when suddenly,
"There's a hole in your wisdom tooth," the dentist said.
Me being deaf, said, "HUH?" of course, it came out more like "Hurrgh?" cos my mouth was opened as big as a cave.
"I said,there's a hole in your wisdom tooth. Do you want me to fill it now?" I nodded but inside I was screaming "SHIT!!!" So I kept waiting for the pain to come cos he wanted to clean my teeth first. Oh my God I swear, I never remembered having this much pain during cleaning of my teeth.
And when I saw miniscule traces of blood, I wanted to faint. Arrggghh. Filling the hole was even more traumatic. I even let out a squeaky squeak when it was too painful. Bet he cringed. It was meant to be an "Awww..." but somehow, a squeak was all I could muster. After multiple cringing and leg curling, it was finally over. I felt so weak. And to think, this was only filling of a hole. Wonder how I'll be when I like give birth or smth. I probably have to be filled up with sleeping gas or smth.
After that, I went to drank my drink when the stupid filled up hole went all cold and I think it contracted or smth.
It. Was. Painful.
So I drank sideways like a delusional freak. Haha. Thank God nobody was looking. Guess the pain will come again 6 months later.
Oh, what joy.
Feeling a bit drained. Mentally, physically, emotionally, etc etc. I am really tired of being the person who everyone expects me to be. I always can't seem to be a beeyatch to people. The twisted frigging thing is, people don't give a shit about treating me like I am a human who deserves respect too.
I have a feeling that if I were to refuse giving in to people, they would gasp. And then give me a punch, leaving me with a bloody nose. I am sick of the way people influence the way I feel about myself. I mean, look at me now. So goddamn insecure and introverted. I used to be proud of what I did but everytime I showed my accomplishments, I immediately get bombarded, leaving me belittled.
Oh yeah, found a jewel in someone. Not that that person wasn't a jewel or anything. Never thought I would confide in that person all my deepest secrets. Well, not all. Not yet. I believe, this person is trustworthy enough. I don't mind listening to that person's problems and I hope that person won't mind listening to mine.
Cos I got nice and fantastic friends, really, but I don't really wanna weigh them down with my problems. Some people are happy and I don't wanna depress them. You know what I mean? Sigh.
Guess I'll wipe away these tears (imaginary ones) and slap on my smile and my positive self. I really have a positive side, y'know. It's not faked. It's real. And sincere.
Sigh. Emo post for this week. It sucks to have an emo post. Sighhh...
I now know how Charmaine feels doing minutes. I mean, I dunno if she finds it fun or not but I find it nice to do. I am so weird. Ok, so, went out with mama and sis. We actually wanted to go for dental check up, since it's been ages since my last one. I told mama to check in advance if we needed to book an appointment but she was so confident that there was no need. She told me she didn't need to at a different dentist. So we went to this clinic which we never went before. Tiber-tiber we had to book. Great. So my teeth has to endure for 2 more days. Grrr.
Oh sis asked, "How much for whitening of teeth?"
Receptionist goes nonchalantly, "About $400," You should have seen sis's face when she heard the price. Jaw-dropping... 400 bucks?! No joke. So I shall forget about having white sparkling teeth. Sigh.
Went round TM and Century Square. Sob... saw wonderful clothes but got stern reminder from mama about my clothes and how they once caused my closet to collapse. Ok, I get the picture. It was fun going out with mama and sis. Missed doing that. Bought dad his b'day present too. Sweet people we are. =)
So read my horoscope. Today's horoscope quite interesting. I really should stop doing that. It's not true and I should not take it seriously.
It sucks when you know your friend is down in the dumps but you don't know how to help. I listen to them but I tend to ask questions like how a ...shrink or psychologist would e.g.
"And how do you feel about that?"
"What do you think about that?"
Sorry people if I am not a good listener or I tend to ask stupid qns or stuff. I am trying to be a better friend. Really. Hate it when I feel so helpless. Meeting up with Yaya Papaya tmw with mimi. And borrowed 4 more books to consume. Give me 3 days and I am done with all 4 books. Good is that I finish faster and avoid fines. Bad? Too fast. Have to make more frequent trips to the library. Sigh.
I. Have. Nothing. To. Say. So, that's all. Oh and I think I am suffering from insomnia. Slightly. Is there such a thing as slight insomnia? Hello any doctors out there? *waves around histerically* Feeling tipsy. Haha. And no I haven't been drinking.
Amalina told me about how drinking purely caffeine makes you immediately attentive from being sleepy.
I WANT CAFFEINE!!! PURE CAFFEINE!!!
Any suppliers? Heee.
Booya. A few hours later and Hana gets it. She gets inspired to get ideas. Hope it's not crappy to the others. So anyway, thanks to Siao Wei, I learnt to display screenshots of a website or MSN window here. Haha, thanks Sw for teaching a noob like me. She is such a pothead, in a good way of course.
Thanks to my muse cos the moment I saw her pic I got my idea! Hahaha. K i sound so gay. See you all next time. Gonna crash pretty soon.
I am supposed to have some ideas for PPP but all I have in my head is well, swirls of air. I seriously think I am like some dummy who has no ideas everytime people ask me.
They go like, "So, you have any ideas for _____?"
I am like, "Ermmm, I don't really have any. Let me think first." And I give them this stupid smile.
I really am hopeless. The thing is, I am not the type who is practically overflowing with ideas. I guess the only time I have ideas is when I am not forced. Really. So, doing nothing 'cept play The Sims. Haha. Back to my old addiction. Mama's like so pissed that I spend 5 plus hours playing The Sims. Hey, at least I don't use e Net as much nowadays right? Dad would've supported me. Haha.
Let's see. 3 more weeks to school. Whee. Prolonged periods being homebound gets to you. All this nonsensical thoughts soon begin filling your mind. It drives me crazy. Also, whenever I go out, I feel as if I haven't gone out like in a million years or something. Yes I know, I sound like a freak who hasn't been exposed to the outside forever.
I know I've said that I am rejoicing that school is starting pretty soon but, school activities are gonna hit me in the face pretty hard. I really don't mind but I've heard that Sem 2.1 is a killer. You are like so damn busy. So how am I supposed to get a GPA of 4 when I have to juggle tutorials, tests and important events and competitions?
Haha. I was joking about getting a GPA of 4. Ok, I meant GPA of 3 something. There is no way I am getting a 4. Unless I tune everyone out and study 24/7. Hmmm... sacrifices have to be made. Discipline has to be present. And most of all, time management. Oh, and I have to wake up right on time. No more pressing the snooze button. I'll start being a model student by listening attentively and erghh... sucking up to them.
I really hope my participation in CCA and IG helps in securing me a place in SMU or some other respectable university. My life depends on it. I also shall have to consider having a career in accounting. I tell you, if I were to become an accountant, S'pore would be facing an economic crisis. That's cause all businesses would crumble. No not because of embezzlement by me, but because I cocked up all the accounts.
Wonder if that's possible? Haha. God hope that doesn't happen. So I am doing everyone a favour by not wanting to become an accountant.
Obviously I am trying to forget that I am supposed to have some ideas for PPP. No wonder I wrote a considerable number of words in this post. Haha. Right guess it's time to wring some ideas out of my already fry brain.
Till next time.
Arghhh. Stupid telephone line. Stupid rusted telephone line. Because of that, I can't use the internet. K whatever. There are more bigger and important problems than that. So, PPP is here, I am a person who has to be responsible in Tits, orientation preparations are here, school's starting and... I got a friggin assignment for FA. Why? The answer is so obvious. So yes, I will be doing homework.
Life's not going the way I want and expected it to be...
!$%(#$#(*)_^$@#!@$...
Oh and I bought this men's singlet. Haha. And it's for me to wear. Duh.
Every girl's nightmare. =D
This is what happens when you have a too-long holiday. People at home get on your nerve. Not their fault really. Well, sometimes. And right now, I am feeling like all of them are ganging up on me. Why? Just cos I am having a friggin long break and they feel that I should be pushed to the limit. Like I should not be going online, instead do other things they find productive.
Whatever lah eh, you wanna call me lazy or what shit, be my guest. Some people just don't do things you find productive 24/7. Some people do things that you don't find productive like socialising with friends or gearing up for a performance. Oh no, that's just UN-productive isn't it?
So, every time I tell you I have school or outing with the class or what ever, you allow me to go but you give me this "Shit, can't you be a good girl and stay at home instead of being a lazy daughter?" look.
Look, just cos I have school and I want to go for class outings, doesn't mean I am a girl who hates the family and doesn't like staying at home or doing housework. I like doing them. It's just that, I am different from your other precious daughters.
Ah, forget it. This blog is not gonna be read by the people aimed at. In the meantime, I am FLIPBOOKING!
And no, I AM NOT BEING A RUDE PERSON WHO DOESN'T RESPECT PEOPLE. I just need to unwind, that's all.
Well I'll be damned. I got a GPA of 4!!!
Hahahaha. Dream on Hana. Bet all of you guys practically choked when I said that. Hope didn't cause a heart attack.
GPA was as usual, a tragedy. Same old same old. Holiday activities same old same old. I practically inhaled a whole stack of magazines and books in 2 weeks. Courtesy of the library. I finished one book today itself. Guess my language is going to be better. Harhar. Whatever. My ultimate dream? To conquer the whole library by the time I grow old and cranky. Told you I was a bookworm nerd inside. And I am proud of that fact.
Hmm... nothing much going on now. Guess I'll curl up with a good book... wait, I have no more books to read. Oh well, guess I'll just wallow in this depressing weather. I need to watch a movie ppl!
I finally see the light of day. Or rather, what mama was blabbing all this while. About the fact that I have far too many clothes therefore I am not encouraged to buy more. I placed all my clothes onto my bed and guess what? It is practically covered completely from view. By my clothes. Amazing sight. Seriously.
So, I guess after this eye-opening experience, I shall prevent myself from shopping. God please give me strength to do so. =D
My room looks like a warehouse. Or rather, a shop that's having a sale. Sighhhhhh. Out of all the clothes, I decided to discard only 3 pieces of clothing. PATHETIC. What to do? Due to me buying and buying and buying...
Meanwhile, I'll be busy with Tits, cleaning up and oh, drowining myself in music. So, you'll know where to reach me. And yes, I'll switch on my phone the whole day. Note, DAY. Day in my dictionary means from 0900 to 2200. After that it's off. So don't expect a reply from me if you msged me later than 2200. Capisce?
Till then.
Tits back on. We are having a performance soon. April I think. So it means I have to prepare myself to act. Haha. God, gonna have a hard time doing so. A bit karat. So, after Tits, when off to buy my wardrobe!! As in, not wardrobe clothes, but wardrobe wardrobe. Ok this is confusing. So, finally, it's ordered and I will have a spanking new wardrobe that will not collapse. At least, until ermmm maybe 5 years? I give it 10. Haha.
Bad news, have to pack my poor clothes to get them ready to move to their new home. There goes my Sunday. Haha. They will be happy, wrinkle-free clothes once again. I am really treating my clothes as if they're my children. Haha. Further proof that I am one step closer to Woodbridge.
SO, missed out one a movie outing with the class or rather a few of them cos I cleverly switched off my phone the whole day. Nvm, at least the movie wasn't a movie that I wanted to watch. Meet The Spartans and Juno awaits!! Heee. Wait. Forget it. NO KACHING. Un-Hee. Forgot I am still in debt. Hah! But! I paid a bit already. Hehehe. Now if I can take out $$ from my last reserve, that is, the bank, without breaking my heart, then no problemo.
Hmm. Feeling guilty. KInda. Cos I am using the Net for like hours and hours. But hey, at least, I don't go and spend Dad's money on other more redundant things. So this is a consolation for the hols. Haha. Not making much sense. Hahahaha.
Weeeeeeeee...
Till then.
Decided to change skin yet again cos the last one was too messy. I have to say,
"ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!"
That's for myself. Reason being is, I OVERHEATED THE WATER HEATER. I mean, which dingdong overheats the water heater?? My big sis takes longer showers than me, and she doesn't overheat it! Sometimes, people leave the heater on for like hours and hours cos they forgot to switch it off, but it doesn't overheat. Why overheat when I used it, and during the freezing rainy season?? It's against me. So now, I have to endure the freezing, ice-cold water. Sighhhh...
Got aches from the camp. That shows that I haven't been exercising. I am so going to like get some kind of bone problems or smth when I reach the old age of 50 or smth.
I owe my little sister $$. That is just crap. I am in debt. To someone who is younger than me. That is v v v v embarrasing. Have to pay by installments. Hahaha.
The class bbq. was funfunfun. Too bad had to leave early. Went home, stinking of smoke and... well, how you would smell if you were at a bbq. Fun aside, results coming out by next week (I think). I am thankful enough if I passed, considering how it was a torture seeing myself crumble while doing the exam.
Ohohoh. Just a minute ago, as I was plugging in to music, I suddenly heard this grumbling sound. Damn low. I was like,
"WTH. What was that. That wasn't supposed to be in the song."
I listened to the song again. More grumbling and groaning. I was panicking. Arrggghh. Hallucinations or... unexplained forces...
Then I turned around. Dang, it was my Mimi, maling noises in her sleep. That's the disadvantage of having the Internet connection anywhere but your room. No privacy and peace. It gets to my nerves eventually. What to do. Just my luck. But stil, I am thankful for having Internet.
Till then.
I HATE SUNDAYS. Despite the fact that it is a day where you get to relax and all. I mean, it has that certain atmosphere about it. Like if tmw is a school day, Sunday gets all depressing and strangely, the kids who normally make lots of noises and cahoots are suddenly quiet. V quiet.
For this particular Sunday, it's all right. It's just that, well, the whole house is so friggin quiet. Cos everyone is asleep. It's really not fun to see the whole house sleep.
Tmw is Sub Comm Camp. I have to sleep early. And buy toilet rolls. No, it's not for me, but for the camp. SIghhhhhhhh... Then chalet. Have a feeling that I won't be allowed to go. Just have to pray and use my persuading skills to be re-allowed to go to the chalet.
It's only been a few days of hols but I am starting to get fidgety not going to school. Feel like eating at a buffet. Hahaha. Time to gorge and slack at home doing nothing. Wait, forget that. I have to help around the house too.
Till then.
I am back!! Dreaded exams are finito. And what have I got to show from it? Short, stubby, bitten nails. Loads of oil-discreting pimples, and sallow skin. Danggggg. Hate it sooo much. So anyway, had dinner at East Coast Beach. Was supposed to be a class thing, but ended up with only 8 people going. Nice going man. Haha.
I can finally slack till I can't slack anymore. Too bad got IG tomorrow. Not that I hate it, but, all I wanna do is curl up in bed and sleep and watch tv. Maybe hibernate. Lost so many sleeping hours. Thanks to exams which is one complete joke. It was a waste sacrificing my sleep.
Right, guess that's all for now. I am trying to thaw my brain out from all that studying. It's practically frozen. Funny thing is, you take like centuries to store important exam stuff, but the moment you leave the exam premises, zooom all that flies out of your brain. Try asking me now and all I'll give is one stoned face.
All that's in my brain is SHOPPING. Not that I need to do much of it. For the time being. Cos sis bought like clothes!! Wonderful, heavenly clothes!! And shoes. Woohoo.
Oh, before I forget,
HAPPY B'DAY JUN HONG!!!!
Haha. Next, Cheryl. Watch out eh Cheryl...
Quote of the day:
"Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them. "- Lou Holtz
Current obsession:
- Notes (exams' sake)
- Zs and As (future's sake)
- Wilted flowers(?) (they are just gorgeous...)
- Photography (thanks to wilted flowers and Flickr)
- Vintage bags (cos vintage kicks ass)
Taataa... That's all. Off for my hiatus. Wilted flowers are my current loves now!
Hello all. My blog is so dusty after not blogging for a long time. Just wasn't up to it. So let's see. Coursework grades pretty much suck, 'cept MBS which I lurvee so much. I know I can count on MBS.
Today is V Day. I don't really believe in it and I don't celebrate it. Despite all that, I still gave gifts to darling A05. Why? Just to show my friendship. Something like that. Hope you guys like it. On a bad note, exams are coming really soon. Panicking about studies. Funny how 2 days of absence can make me hyperventilate. I guess I always think too much. That's what people tell me.
Gosh... my brain has really dried out of anything to talk about. This sucks. Let's talk about... what my horoscope has for me. Here's what it says:
"Happy Valentine's Day! People might not think you're very romantic, but that's not the case at all. When you love somebody, you get very, very serious about it. That's why the guy you love is going to have a very nice Valentine's Day! As for you, be open to getting something very special, and accept the fact that somebody really loves you."
Ok, so I am supposed to accept the fact that somebody really likes me. Kinda hard to do so seeing that Mr Right is not showing up. Ah who cares, not like I am in desperate need for him to appear.
I really have got nothing better to do 'cept blog and wait for 4 to come. Psycho tutorial. Thank God my group presented first. Now I can just sit back, relax and watch the others present. Nyahahahaha. I get pleasure from seeing people cringe and panic. Hee.
Tomorrow is the official last day of school. I think. Well, all I know is tmw is the last day that we are having lectures, tutorials and stuff. And the last day we get to enjoy as A05. Sigh... So sad. Seriously. We must take class pic tmw k? Must must.
... I guess that is all. Have to look at the bright side. Get exams over and done with and we will get to enjoy the chalet, workshop, and slacking time!!!
Btw, my wardrobe just collapsed. Really collapsed. Well, the interior only. Yaya Papaya said it was bound to happen. Mama too. Well, everyone thought so too. Hey, it's not my fault for having too many clothes. A girl can't have too many clothes. Clothes are essential to a girl.
Good news? Found a gorgeous new wardrobe to replace the collapsed one. Bad news? Out of stock till 1st of March. ARGGHHH. Guess my poor darling clothes have to endure. It really sucks having to dig your way through to find what to wear. At least I don't wake up late anymore. Which means I don't rush anymore. Not as much. Please... hope I get a new wardrobe ASAP. My life and clothes depend on it. =((
Don't treat me like a child. Don't tell me that everything's going to be ok. Don't lie to me. Don't ignore me. Don't treat me like I am a disgusting disease. Don't give me that look. Don't hate me because of how I am. Don't leave me alone.
Please. Don't. Hurt. Me. Please please please. My strong and steady front is melting away. I do not know what the hell is wrong with me, but all I can do nowadays is hurt others and obviously myself. Everything is wrong. Everything hurts me. All I wanted was to express myself. Is it a crime? So I am too shy, introverted and don't talk a lot. Is it wrong?
Damn don't tell me that I am being so emotional. Shut your fricking mouths if you say that. I need a listening ear. Or maybe, even better, a shrink or a psychologist. Honestly speaking, unless you shove money into people's mouth, they will never want to hear you pour your heart out.
The world is full of people who demand attention but very few who want to give that attention. Why? Only God knows why.
Need to compose self. Leave me alone. Don't bombard me with hurtful things. I take sensitive things to heart.
Dad,
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. I thank you profusely for my 18th birthday present. I am thanking you also for the love, care and shelter you have provided me since I was a lil wailing baby. Thank you for putting up with my tantrums back then, like when I was a baby and I kept on demanding for milk, milk and more milk (Funny thing is, I can't even stand milk now). Thank you for not hating me for being a materialistic, always-too-busy-with-school, pain-in-the-ass daughter.
I am not saying all this cos you bought me a present but cos I really mean it from the bottom of my <3.>
I apologise if I were to hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. May God bless you and always shower you with the love and care you deserve from people you love.
Love,
Hana
18 and 70.
18's my age and 70's the number of this post.
So anyway, yes today is the day I was born. Woke up to this dull sad feeling (don't ask, seriously). Felt like the dam was going to burst while in the bus to Charmaine's. Watched the cars, cabs, lorries, buses etc etc pass by at the bus stop while waiting for Chu Wen. Tears were going to pop out any time.
Chu Wen gave me a hug and her 2nd birthday wish. Felt waaaaay emotional. Arrived at the lounge. Saw Cheryl, Kah Yee, Hui Shan, Bryan and Dalina there. And they are not in my Econs group. That's when I saw the foolscap(?) and what was written on it.
"Ooook, something's not right," I thought to myself.
They bought me a birthday cake! It was so touching.These sweet people bought me a birthday cake. And they did something more significant. They made me cry on my birthday. That is one big accomplishment. I mean, even if the tears are kicking their way out, I never ever ever cry on my birthday.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! You made my 18th birthday extra special, even if I had to do projects on my birthday!!!
So if you ask me how I feel about turning 18, hmmm... just thankful to God for letting me live this long and letting me be in 1A05... and the list goes on. That driving license is nearly in reach!! Just gotta have time and money to go register. Maybe after poly or something.
I can like smoke, drink and do whatever harmful things now. Haha. Not that I am gonna do it.
Right, nothing much to say. Gonna buy myself something special tomorrow or something. Something that's gonna burn my pocket. Haha.
My birthday wish? Haha. Can't tell. Cos if I do, it won't come true. =)
Labels: Chocolate Mint Cake
It's funny how predictable poly kids can be. For now, everyone either blogs about projects, being stressed about projects, friends, their significant others, etc etc. Point is, it's all the same thing. Nyahaha, and I am not excluded from doing so. So, for a change, I am not going to elaborate about the above mentioned things.
Did some survey for Psycho tutorial. One of the surveys concluded that I was a loyal, wait, make it very loyal, person and I feel like I am a misplaced child. Wahahaha, so accurate. Tits was fun fun fun.
Anyway, I've been thinking alot. Yes, again. Realised that I have been neglecting family. I know a certain family member who needs a listening ear and I have ignored that fact. I am so sorry for being a lousy sister, daughter, whatever. It's just that you have to understand, being in poly means more projects and more activities. You should have accepted that fact when you allowed me to continue my studies in poly.
Nevertheless, just because I am like at home for less than half a day, doesn't mean that I stop caring about family. Doesn't mean that I prefer friends over family. I never forget you guys. It's true I get too caught up with school, but, just pull me to a corner and tell me to slow down. I may not heed your advice, but, it will still stick in my brain. All this coming home late is for my own good. I get to meet deadlines and all. This leads to good grades. You want me to get good grades, don't you?
And one request from me to family. Can I please have some of your trust? I am old enough to know what's right and wrong and I have never let you down or lost your trust. That is all I want right now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you fulfill my request.
I still have no idea why I blame external factors whenever I am late for school. I mean, it's like nearly 3, but I am still online. And I haven't packed my bags for tomorrow's tutorial. Tsssssk.
Teenagers are dumb. And just random.
One fine evening, Rayhana and Charmaine were happily having their dinner at LJS when suddenly, peace was broken by a shout by a lady. It appears that she was so called 'harassed' by a little girl, who looked to be about 5 years old. The lady started to confront the parents of the little girl, who were sitting not so far away from her and her elderly mother.
She claimed that she was 'harassed' by the girl, when in fact she was just exploring LJS, minding her own business. The girl's mother was docile at first, but after the 'harassed' lady started to insult them for not being able to take care of their child, she started to defend her daughter with all her might.
"She's just a little girl! She didn't touch you or your bag, did she? So why are you scolding her?" The mother told her off.
"I am trying to sit here and relax and she is disturbing me, walk here walk there! Can't even take care of your own child! *******! " The 'harassed' lady retaliated.
They went on and on, and soon, the father of the girl joined in. The 'harassed' lady got even more pissed off, and started to spurt more vulgarities and insults. This fired the parents and the argument got more heated up.
So, anyway, as for Rayhana and Charmaine, they were obviously staring at the spectacle right before their eyes. Charmaine, who had lost her appetite, was all riled up about the 'harassed' lady's actions. Rayhana, however, was enjoying the argument. She knew that it was wrong to enjoy watching people fight, but her life was so damn boring and predictable. So, to her, the argument was pure entertainment.
Back to the story, the two sides began shooting insults, vulgarities etc etc. The 'harassed' lady, together with her elderly mother, who showed the finger to the parents, stormed out of LJS. Clearly they had lost the battle. They continued to argue with the parents, despite the fact they were outside the restaurant and their words would not be heard at all.
Finally, with a huge bang on the glass door, they walked off. The parents were very triumphant with their win. Peace was restored.
Ok, what the hell, I am so not cut out to be a writer, reporter, whatever job that requires me to write long and winding stories. So, what yesterday's event taught me was that Singaporeans, no matter how educated we are, we still are like barbarians, not at all civilised and respectful of others around us. And, also that Rayhana is a sadistic person. Well, not really. To a certain extent.
Black.
Black coffee.
Yummm...
Hahahaha. That was pure crap. But yeah, anyway, e bittersweet taste of black coffee that lingers in your mouth is heaven. What's more heaven is that it keeps you awake longer than you intend to. E effect has not worn off yet. Arrrrggghhh. It's been 7 hours!!! Can't even yawn. I feel... hmm... hyper.
This week has got me all stretched. Open house skit rehearsals are like taking majority of my time. I wanna see SEAL points PRONTO!!!! To make things worse, it has been raining not only cats n dogs, but e whole animal kingdom. I still got friggin drenched despite using an umbrella. Not that I loathe rain completely, but I am not e type who likes to have on wet clothes that simply cling to you. And wet shoes. Sandals. Whatever. Grrrr...
Nothing to do, so went here, went there, and found something ancient!!! Hahaha. Kidding. The good old days...
Faz, Mar, Farah, Me after National Day at school. N yes, I remember falling down gracefully. Thanks to Farah.
Thanks to Faz cos I took e pics from her Friendster.
Still wide awake. Kick me if I drink black coffee in e evening ever again. Seriously, kick me.
Ok I am like getting these mood swings out of nowhere nowadays. Apart from Bus Stats Mid-Sem results ( I got an A!!!), e other results pretty much r fit for a life being an NTUC cashier (I was one). Projects same ol' story. FA down, econs done except for editing. SOoOoOo 2 down, ermmm... 2 more to go? I think. I need a movie. I need a shopping spree. I need ____________. Hehe. Find out what's behind e blank. N get a free slap! *SLAP*
Ohohohoh I am loving sundresses! Got not only one, but 2! E most amazing part? One was for $1!!! Yes, it's true!! Mimi got it at $1. Seriously. No joke. Hahaha. So, since I can't sleep, I am gonna squish my brain thinking of what to wear tmw. Need to wear casual formal. Full dress rehearsal.
I hate it when I get these feeling where you don't fit in anywhere. Ever felt it before? I am so damn random today. Must be e caffeine short circuiting my brain. So yes, as I was saying. I feel v loner-ish these past days. NO, A05 has not alienated me but still, even with them, I feel well, nothing. Must be PMS. Yesyesyesyes. Must be.
This song breaks my heart n makes my water tank burst. In other words, makes me burst into tears (DUH...)
Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want
The Smiths
Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
Haven't had a dream in a long time
See, the life I've had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
I know I don't usually post lyrics, but this song just tugs my heartstrings. It just gets me right in e heart. Ok, confirm it's PMS. I am getting all emotional n stuff.
2007 is over n yes, it's 2 hours into 2008. Spent e last few hours of 2007 doing project. Thanks Farah for inviting me over for your b'day celebration. Dah besar Farah. So anyway, reflecting back on what happened in 2007.
2007 was e year I graduated from sec school. Was damn scared like chipmunks thinking about my results. Worked my arse off for O levels. Tup tup tup, got 18. Oh well... Combined Humans n POA spoiled it all. Bodoh betul. Ironically, I chose A&F as my choice course. Once heard about JC being a pressure cooker, I decided that poly was e best choice for me. Still remember man, after getting results, when back to work. Bodoh betul. Head cashier wouldn't allow me to take off. Tsssk.
Orientation day, came slightly late, couldn't find e stupid place to gather, plus, it was raining. Bodoh betul. Got in, n was overhelmed by e size. Haha. I had to ask some senior where I was supposed to sit. Sat one corner, until Charmaine n Xm sat beside me. I was so glad cos I recognised Charmaine. Haha. Everyone else were complete strangers. Missed sec school at that moment.
Honestly speaking, I was v unhappy about being in 1A05 because of obvious reasons. Haha. Time passed, I grew to love A05. N now, I dare to say this, that class is e best thing that ever happened to me in 2007. Thank you guys, for making my first year in poly memorable n fun. You guys made me open up slightly, if not more. Even though we have some differences, we still try to be united.
Thank you Cheryl, for being a Chairperson who bothers about getting e class to be united.Despite e many outings that did not happen, you still managed to have some outings. (remember e ex food at Lau Pa Sat?). Our class would make noise at library level 7, with Cheryl being e one kena bullied.
N now, as our first year is ending soon, I worry. Will we still be united even if we change classes? Will we still make noise at level 7? Will we have fun outings together?
So yes, goodbye 2007, hello 2008. A fresh new start. May 2008 be a better year than 2007.
Dang, I am tearing up. BODOH BETUL...
MAKABAH!!!!!!!! Yeap, that's Mak Abah's new name. Hahaa. Call me kembang lagi MAKABAH. Haha. So, had a mind-blowing day yesterday. Rented Om Napi's car. Kakak was e one driving. All I can say about her driving, CRAZY... mcm dah lama hidup gitu, especially when it comes to her braking. What can I say, she just got her license. Mama, kakak, makabah, Abang Lany, n the mikaeeray girls plus me went round S'pore in 12 hours.
Haha. Actually, I wasn't supposed to tag along. They dropped me off at school, cos I needed to do project. Tick tock tick tock, we decided that we would split e work. So, ended at 1. Called them up, n they picked me up again. Chedebah, macam anak orang kaya gitu, ngan chaffeur. I didn't miss much, except a visit to nenek. Then, we went to Mt Faber. We kinda hiked, haha, n camwhored!!! Everyone camwhored!!! Hahahhaha. Keluarga aku sporting sungguh!!!!!!!!!!!
Even had this picture ala Heroes. Woohoo. I was envisioning Claire, e cheerleader. Anyway, had lunch at Fork n Spoon. I thought it was some restaurant, but, actually a foodcourt located at some corner in Toa Payoh. Had udon. Good stuff. Bought donuts at Munchy Donuts after that. So, after that we went to pray. Next time wear tees with appropriate pictures on it, eh Abang Lany?
After praying, Kakak wanted to see e haunted house at Punggol so we went there. Hey, she's e driver, so not much choice. I tell you, e house gives me e creeps plus goosebumps. Plus, it was already around 5 plus. Hahahaha. Scaaaary. Headed off to Compassvale Point to have snacks. As usual, makabah buat kecoh. Hahaha.
All good things must come to an end. Sent makabah n family home. We went up to their house to pray n stuff. After hugs n kisses, we went off to send me home first plus e things we bought cos I didnt want to take MRT after they send e car back. So, after hugs n kisses with Ira aka Yaya Papaya, I went home.
Kinda regretted doing so, cos I felt so scared for e first time being home alone. Thanks to e haunted Punggol house. Brrr... shiver me timber... Bit into an Oreo donut, read e newspaper (Berita Harian mind you, cos I need to keep my Malay alive), n finally bathed. Bathed in mama's room. Too scared to go bathe at e main toilet. Plus, too far from e safety of my room. N you can hear e highway from the main toilet. Seram... sekali terdengar barang lain...
Stayed in my room, blasted e radio, n finally they went home. Dad went home around 11 cos he had a function at work. Refused to eat with them donuts cos first, I was too sleepy n cmon, it was like nearly 12 n you wanna eat donuts that are dripping sugar n calories n fat n whatever unhealthy stuff that is in it?! That's a sure way to be unhealthy. NEVER EAT AFTER 7!!!!! So, skipped that.
Oh, n we blasted HSM 2 songs courtesy of Ira throughout e car ride. Hahahaha. Sang like mad, but stopped cos too tired. Lepak at e back while watching kakak struggling to drive. Hahaha. Her left hand's aching now, cos e gear was giving problems. What to say, manual car. Soon, it will be my turn. Woohoo. Can't wait.
I need Access 2003. Heeeeeelp. School's starting on Monday. E only idiot school which is open on New Year's Eve. Siiggghh... hey it's ok. A05 to look forward to. Staying at home was a blast, but so is sloughing in school with friends. See you all.
After a nice day yesterday (which included buying new things!!), I got back into e workachaholic mode, slogging my booty off to find info for econs project. Guess what? After 5 gruelling hours, I still have not found a single relevant info. Waddling in e crowd at Orchard Road during Christmas Eve was soooo much better than finding info. Gahh. N I haven't even touched on Psycho video. Let's just hope that I can do all that before next Thursday.
Farah's b'day coming up in 6 day's time. Speaking of 31st December, I am not going to make resolutions for 2008. It's just a waste of time. I never keep them anyway.
Alrighty, I have given up on finding info. Guess I'll miraculously find them tomorrow. School's gonna open soon n I see a heavy workload looming over me! What's new man?
I HATE IRRELEVANT STUPID INFORMATION THAT KEEP POPPING UP WHEN I DO NOT EVEN WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE HAVE ALL THE IMPORTANT INFO GONE?????
I need sleep n more sleep!!!!!!! Haha, shameless me, complaining about being sleep-deprived when it's my own fault. Hahahaha. So anyway, I finally finished e IG newsletter. Well, my part. Not e whole newsletter. Will force myself to hit e sack after this cos going to visit Nenek again in e morning. Gonna go to e IG meeting straight after that. Around 2 plus? Yeah...
I feel that I've earned e right to demand a shopping spree. Don't you think? I haven't gone shopping for like a month, wait, more than a month... Bleaaggghhh... Oh I am feeling v generous. I wanna give pressies to everyone. Nyahaha. Kepala otak korang semuer, aku broke semacam. Jangan macam2. Aku nak kasi korang semuer hadiah tapi dalam mimpi aku. So, only in your dreams k?
Speaking of dreams, dream boy hasn't been appearing. Haizzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
AMK Hub, watch out. Hana wants to conquer you soon. V soon. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
Tests all over!!! No more cramming facts into my too-small brain. At least till e main exams come along. But that's too far away to see. So, spent e day doing FA project. Haha, more like, lepak around at Charmaine's condo's lounge. Sabrina, Cheryl n me got all oohy-aahy at e fact that e lounge's toilet cum swimming pool toilet has a sauna in it. Seriously sad people, we are.
I know I didn't do much today n I know all I did was munch munch munch chips n more chips. Even more than Sabrina. N she can eat an impressive amount of food k. I will make up for my laziness people. I promise.
Left Charmaine's house around 6 something to rush to e hospital to see Nenek before visiting hours were over. Managed to see her for about 30 minutes? Minus 10 minutes cos I really had an urgent need to pee. N I have an issue with using public toilets so yeah, I was trying to use e toilet without any difficulty. AHA, now you know why I never use e toilet when I am at school or smth.
So, got really worried when Mimi messaged me to hurry n visit Nenek, saying that Nenek wanted to see me. I mean, you know what usually happens when people say that...
=/
... sooo, I called back. Turns out it was nothing. Hmmph, make my heart stop for a minute. Felt really sad to see Nenek in that condition. To think that she was all healthy a few weeks ago. Also, feeling guilty cos I havent really been a good granddaughter, rarely coming over to her house to just catch up. I lost a chance with Yayi, not gonna let it happen again with Nenek. I'll try my best to visit you more often, dearest Nenek.
Oh n she was like, "Who's this?" when I arrived at her ward. Arrrrgghhh, smth's wrong with her memory. Please oh please hope it's not permanent.
So, nothing much this hols, 'cept for projects n projects... n a trip to Malaysia... n more projects. Hey, I don't mind. Cos projects beats boring homework. Oh n Cheryl, make sure you get e plans to have a class outing or party or whatever we were discussing about materialise. If not, I go steal your fantabulously-nice-blue-n-white-stripes shirt that you wore just now. Capisce?
Guess I should finish up my psycho powerpoint slide before heading for Lalaland to dream about my dream boy.
Yes people, ogle at my IQ for I am a nearly-there genius.
Whatever. Too sleepy to even know what I am doing...
As we all know, Mid-Sems starting Monday. It's a known fact. So I am just gonna crap a bit cos I really feel like blogging all of a sudden. So, e only thing I have revised is Macroecons, like, only 2 chapters. Will force myself to spend e whole of my weekends revising n stuff. I really have to buck up for FA, so if anyone has any miracles on how to suddenly get an A for FA overnight, speak up please...
I finally get to meet up with my Mikaeeray babes for lunch!! Haha n get to gorge on Shaker fries. I met up with them again after school. Love e rings. Oh n Yaya Papaya, don't think that you owe us anything, k? It's just a gift from us. Don't think too much about it babe. Capisce?
Guess I'll be on hiatus. Not that there will be anything interesting to talk about e test anyway. I will find a way to prevent my eyes from shutting close e moment I face my books n notes.
See you after e horrendous period has passed...
I got Brattitude!
Excuse me for that remark. Watched Bratz on Monday with Mikaeeray minus Heira. Wish you were there girl. Typical chick flick. We had fun girls! Thanks for letting me release some stress. Yeah, projects r really getting on my nerves. Tutorials too. Plus, the tutors r not really helping... much. Dangnabbit lah, snacking is becoming more frequent nowadays. Must resist...
So I am gonna be frank with myself. I have been an ass these few days. Neglecting family n friends. N myself. I can't be there when my family needs me n I haven't met up with Farah to Starbucks. N I haven't treated my body e way it should be treated. I haven't been studying for e Mid-Sem Test. Tutorials done with like only 5% enthusiasm. My schedules all screwed. My once organised life is crumbling away, revealing shambles.
Can't even focus 100% in lectures anymore. Used to be able to do so while crapping with others. N e best part is, I don't even know if I was cut out for Accounting n Finance. My FA is seriously in dire need of help. Worst part is, I don't even deserve to be tired. I mean, what important stuff have I been doing besides school stuff? NOTHING...
However, I realise, all this is nothing. This is just a preview of what my life is gonna be. It's gonna be a million times worse when I enter e working world.
Welcome, peope, to e circus called LIFE. Featuring acts from humans all around e world, as they try to juggle, balance n do stupid things to succeed in life. They will be put through pain, sadness n all sorts of situations. Once you're all old n crinkly, out you go from e circus called LIFE. There's not a place for you anymore. Only DEATH is willing to take you in. N will e audience from e circus appreciate all you've done? NO.
Oh dang, I am starting to crap again. Oh n I know this is uber random, but you know e emoticon where e eyebrows go up n down? I find it PERVERTY, if there is such a word. Don't ever flood me with it when MSN-ing with me. EEEWWWWW.
FUDGE.
(btw, can you keep a secret? I gotta tell someone this. I just need someone to spill it to. I can't help it.)
Finally, I have found time n energy to blog. Its been like days since I last blogged. So anyway, I'll just list what I wanted to list.
K, first was e zoo outing. Which I can't remember when that happened. =X. Short term memory loss. So, buddied up with this cute lil girl called Iffah. She started talking like only halfway into e outing. Had a fun day with e cute lil kiddies. Oh, n tiring day too. Duh.
So, then e rest of the days flew by, with projects n tutorials n pentas training. Not really flew by, more like crawling. Barely had time to do tutorials n eat n obviously, I was late for practically e whole week. Damn bus n damn myself. Hee. Had to endure torture till Friday! Pentas!! Oh God, I swear I was tempted to do a technicolour yawn all over e stage. Everyone put in their all into their performance. We did our best, but still, there's still a hell lot more to improve on. Whatever it is, I am proud of Tits!!!
I am slowly getting my energy back from last week. Still finding it a challenge to wake up immediately without hitting e snooze button. Projects are hitting me in e face from every direction.
Whoopee.
Oh, n I have got no one to bully. Mimi having a sleepover at Nenek's house. Imagine, Mikaeeray having a fun sleepover, minus me. I wanna cry... Stupid busy me...
Went to Serangoon Rd today with family. Had tosai for lunch n we went to Mustafa's Centre. Long time no go there man. Not going to tell a long story.
So anyway, Dad was looking through a huge pile of clothes n guess what he unearthed? A pair of ripped jeans. Ripped like right down. N it was like 9 smth bucks. Mak kau, stock zaman maner sia! Zaman purba? Needless to say, I cracked up like hell. Laughed so much till people were staring. Then again, when you go there, everyone always stares. Kinda irritates me. Ooooops. Zipzipzipzip.
So, nothing much happened. Just saw SBS bus no 13 getting its engine exposed. Terkandas. N some accident happened on e highway. Haha.
I should sleep now. Eyes are going cuckoo already...
Omg, my nightmare will begin again. Yes, sleepless nights, going home late n screwed up social life. Yes again, projects are invading my peachy life. Gaggghhh... help me people. Going home late everyday till next Friday, cos that is when Pentas is on! Yeah. Oh well, who am I to complain about tits cos I am not exactly an Oscar-quality actor.
So, Sunday marks e beginning of project meetings. Starting off with FA. Woohoo. Yes, need to read up on FA already. Saturday is e day we go to e zoo with underprivileged kids. Thank goodness I can maybe go out with family tmw after tits in peace cos I did MBS tutorial today. Yeahoo.
Anyway, Having trouble focusing nowadays. Oh yes, it's cos I've always been going home late. I don't mind ending late for tits it's just that I used to be able to keep myself awake during lectures n tutorials despite having a teeny weeny amount of sleeping hours. But now, I am actually nodding off n I actually sometimes can't help but end up dozing. Gaggghhhhh...
I severely seriously need caffeine now. If not for my sudden migraine whenever I drink coffee, I would be chugging coffee every single hour. So, I have to lay down on coffee.
Guess that's all. Oh btw, Farah I apologise from e bottom of my heart for not being able to set a date to Starbucks. I know it's my fault but understand n please be patient with me. A lot of things are going through my head. I should be freer after Pentas.
Guess that really is all. Should have slept after reaching home from Tits, but no, e computer has managed to snag me away from bedtime.
Oh n minor newsflash for e day in Hana Land. I chopped off my hair. Well, rather, mama snipped it all off. I just can't be bothered with long hair. Not when e long hair is all dry n weak n really not manageable. N not when it has a friggin life of its own. I took like only a day to decide whether I should cut my hair or not. Feel so much freer n lighter.
So adios, carefree n joyful days. It's back to stretching myself to devote my time n effort to my projects. Also, can I say, e days when we were able to do projects together as 1 while making a racket in e library lvl 7?
Gaggghhhh... so I am now going to roam e world with short hair n eyebags. Tsktsk. Things are taking a toll on my life n my thinking n my energy.
Help, anybody? Please?
Try spending 12 excruciating hours in high heels, with a long skirt on, n with the rain pouring down. Yes, I endured all that yesterday when I went jalan raya with tits ppl. It was worth it though. We had fun! Hahaha. So anyway, reached home around 1.30 am, courtesy of Marliyana's bro. I think if he didn't send me I would have been stranded in e rain, trying to hail a cab n having to fork out a fortune. Haiiii...
Mama opened e door n gave me a lecture bla bla bla... same ol' stuff. But she lectured for like a minute only. Haha. Lucky me. Slept for like 3 hrs only. Woke up n did tutorial. See, despite reaching home late n all, I still bothered to do tutorials ok. Oh man, aku tak boleh angkat seh biler lecture. Practically nodding my head off.
So anyway, today was normal n stuff. Had to take a cab cos I was friggin late. Got out of e house at 8.45(?!). Thank God e cab driver was super super uber nice. =D
I said, " Have a good day!" . Hope that really made his day. I know I felt cheerful when I stepped into tutorial.
Ok, I just can't deny that something has changed. I refuse to talk about it FULLY. Nevertheless, I will still stick in what I am feeling now. I hate these things. I was hoping that when I had a change of scene, I would be able to forget about my past n change myself for e better. But, I guess I am asking for too much. Let's just say, I really want to show my temper only to those who are damn close to me cos only they will be able to handle it.
I am actually bloody hot-tempered, impatient, egoistic n some other bad stuff. But, I somehow manage to hide that when I face e world. Cos I love e ppl around me n I do not want them to get hurt by me. Let's just say I am v good at self-monitoring. Hahahahahaha, I am applying OB into my life. Woohoo.
Oh God, I should really zip my BIG BIG BIG mouth. Hahaha. Oh ya, Leaving for tits soon. Let's just hope n pray that humans will be civilized n respect each other. Cos I am bloody sick of ppl who don't seem to reciprocate my patience n respect. I know how to control myself. Let's just say, I am a bomb that can be detonated any time.
N right now, the seconds on the timer of the bomb is trickling away. Don't let it explode. You may kick me, hit me, scream at me, bully me, crush me, tease me, hate me, but never ever ever underestimate me. I am not as slenge as I seem to be. It's just in my genes to be patient. Wait, make that being patient at e right time. Hahahahaha.
So seriously, I am a girl who knows how to protect herself n what is close to her. If you ever go beyond my limit, you watch out. Cos I am going to give you one hell of a time. Remember, I gave you a warning. Diam tak bererti aku ni bodoh atau bengap.
Let's just forgot all this happened. Just spilling my feelings. I am all happy tmw, no more hostileness. Shuddering when I remembered what happened 6 years ago. Nononononono pls don't let things get out of hand n become like that. Cos I know, whatever happens, I will still feel e explosion.
NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!
PEACE N LOVE SURROUNDS US ALL.
<3
Ok so, it's like mindless of me to blog again only after doing so a few hours ago. I don't care. Realised that people are going googoogaagaa over French. Is it cos the lecturer is kinda cute? Hahaha. Louisa showed me his pic n yes I dare say, he is cute!! I don't know his name though.
I was like so uber lazy to write out my tutorial answers on paper so efficient me typed it out! Hahahaha. Well, it also saves the trees, so the tutor can't argue with that. So, I did that for like only 1/2 an hour. Hahah. If mama should ever pop her head in, I'll just say that I am still doing my hmw. It's not like she will really know.
My day starts at 9 but here I am, still wide awake. Body screaming for rest but mind refuses to heed. My eyes are like going to be so blind by e end of e year. I'll be damned if my eye degree shoots up again. Let's just hope that I don't have to go for eye checkup. Nononononononoonoooo.
My hair is really driving me nuts!!! All e teeny weeny small hairs will just pop out n it won't stay tamed. I will promise myself that I will NEVER EVER DYE MY HAIR N GO FOR TREATMENTS EVER. Unless I am like paid to do so. Hehe.
I really really wanna try to stay up e whole night n go to school w/o any sleep. Hahahahaha. That is so cool. Then can doze off as the lecturers yack yack yack. Tutorials must never sleep. First, cos they will easily spot you sleeping n will target you. Second, cos there's participation marks!! Speaking of which, I really gotta open e lock to my mouth cos I wanna get high participation marks. Cos it's not like I can rely on my exam marks n projects cos I so suck at studies.
That's e cold harsh truth.... So... 4 more hours till I get ready...
I know something's not right with me when:
- My flu n cough haven't been banished despite after 2 weeks have passed. N plus, headache n fever creeping in.
- My fashion sense is slipping away. I seem to be losing all inspiration when it comes to picking out clothes to wear for that day.
- Pimples pimples n more pimples galore! There's too many on my face. N that rarely happens.
- My appetite is gone. I can barely finish a plate of mee.
- My emotions all wrong n I just can't keep my energy up.
Scary scary. Wonder what's wrong with me. So anyway, I finally found a person who admires Audrey Hepburn as much as I do. My Psycho tutor! Hahaha. Yeap, she has got that Audrey Hepburn mural from Ikea hanging in her house n she has got an Audrey Hepburn calendar. I am so gonna get that. Seeing that it's from Borders, I may need to save up. Siiiigh.
Really drained out today. Stressing myself trying to get into character easily. Trying hard to gather all the anger so that when it's Saturday, I can really act it out v well. Oh speaking of anger, reminded of that !@#@# waiter from Pizza Hut. Dang lady, you got a problem with all of us? So what if we took too long to order? N so what if we decided to sit as one big group? Just remember that we are e customers n we are e ones with e $$.
GGGGRRRRR...
Today was a normal Tuesday. Nothing much happened. I have no idea why I am writing this post. Oh well, as long as I am here, might as well write some stuff. Psychology lecture tmw n I am guessing it's going to be another weird one. Haha. Bad thing is I have to lug that heavy KW textbook for FA. Grrr... oh n speaking of FA, I could do e tutorials! Wheee...
K guess that's all. CSI starts in like a few more minutes. Oh n Chu Wen, I do not have this obsession over that guy anymore. It's just an admiration. Cos he's good-looking. Smth like that.
=)
Arrgghhh. Coughing fits have been accompanying my flu. Can it get any worse? I was practically coughing n holding back all that disgusting ooze in my nose, all while trying to breathe thru my mouth. It sucks doing that. Plus, my voice is so funny when flu n cough hits me. It has that nasal sound. K whatever. As if I have nothing better to do than discuss how my voice sounds like.
So, had my v first Psychology tutorial yesterday. Was not bad. N I did not sit at one corner. There was someone sitting there before I could get to it. I felt like a total moron cos I was going round n round searching e class when it was right there in front.
So we had to do this intro thing as usual when we r new to each other. We had to say out e previous people's name n what r their hobbies smth like that bla bla bla... you should have seen my face getting all scrunched up as I was trying to memorise their names. So, after all that, I realised something. I revealed to a whole bunch of strangers I thought that my nose was too big. Wow. What a first impression. Whoopee.
I really hope that I am better tomorrow than Wednesday when we were training for Pentas. It really gets to me when I know I suck e most.
Oh n I must remember to do all e tutorials due next week.
Sigh.
I hate it when I get into situations where I am not surrounded by people I know. IhateitIhateitIhateitIhateit. Too bad I am going to be in these situations my whole life. For example, I know I am bound to sit in one corner n stone during Psychology tutorial later. I am going to be sitting all alone. Like a loner. God I am such a moron.
Why was I born a super-ultra-ultimate-mega introvert?! Why can't I be born like those extroverts out there? Regardless, I guess there's a blessing in disguise. Which I have yet to uncover.
Had trouble focusing yesterday during tits. The reason? I kept on thinking that I was v bad at acting. I mean, everybody else was waaaaaaay better than me. Guess it just intimidated me. I have to buck up come Saturday. Must get into character. Must must must must must!
Read Shopaholic With Sister last night. I was up till 3. Haha. Got a nagging by mama as usual. So anyway, the main character was damn dumb. N stupid. N had an insaniable thirst for shopping. Of course, I think if in real life, a person like that would have to underego therapy. It's like you're addicted to drugs or smth.
Ok so that's all I have to pen out for now. Wooooow, 6 more hours. I can't wait...
Heeeyyyy people! I changed my skin yet again. I think this is my 2nd change in a month. Tsk tsk. So anyway, I AM SICK. Yes, it's amazing. I rarely get sick. Ok, so I got sick during fasting month, but, that didn't count. That was cos I was lazing around n not doing anything. Tsk tsk.
So, school's just started. Same ol' stuff. Lecture was dull as usual. Finally get to see A05 again! So good to see them. Timetable's not that screwed. Got Psychology as my CDS. Was kinda hoping that I got 20th Century Fashion or Jap cos they were my top choices but hey, Psychology's not bad. Who knows, I end up becoming a psychologist.
Arrggghhh, my temperature's rising n my head is starting to spin. Despite my 'ailing' sickness, I shall not stop here. Feel's good after being away from blogging. Hari Raya was rockin.
As usual, when the whole family get together n hop from one house to e other, you just know that there is going to be mayhem. This year, it includes Kak Tini n Om Ali getting 'tranced' n dancing to Indian songs. Hahahaha. Rabak giler. Oh, n I found out that my cute lil cousins can camwhore!! Needless to say, I got home in a v v tired state.
Bought myself a skirt after months of not shopping. I bought it using my own $$ ok. I know it was a good price n all, but, I am still disappointed in myself cos I usually take only a second to make a decision whether to buy smth or not. Let's just hope I don't turn into a shopaholic. Must refrain.
Have been running out of e house so far. Haven't gotten used to leaving e house at a leisure pace like I used to in Sem 1. Blame my fickleness when I hunt for what to wear in the closet. Tsk tsk.
N finally, I found out that many weird people are roaming around in NTUC Fairprice. There's one in e Tampines outlet, two in Simei outlet. I have yet to survey e other outlets. Yes yes I know, I have nothing better to do. Still waiting to find a suitable date to Starbucks with Farah. N maybe drag along Jan Rick n Mar.
So that's all. Head's really buzzing n nose is dripping. Enjoy my skin till I decide to change again.
Doodaa.
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri!!!! Hehehe. Ramadan is over n Hari Raya is already here. Finally, get to eat the sinfully sweet n high in cholestrol foods. I am gearing up for my weight to rise up. Hahaha.
So anyway, can't be bothered to tell a long story, so, here it is.
Kepada semua Muslimin dan Muslimah, kawan-kawan dan keluarga, harap ampunkan segala kesalahan saya, sama ada sengaja ataupun tidak sengaja.
To those who don't understand(either 'cos you don't understand Malay or my Malay is v the karat), what the above paragraph is saying is mainly me asking for forgiveness from all my friends n family.
So here is where I end off ppl.
Oh n,
SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI MINAL AIDIL WAL'FAIZIN!!!!
I HATE
- Sitting at home
- Sitting at home n cleaning the house
- Sitting at home n cleaning the house n feeling like I am a maid
Ok as you can see, I obviously have had enough of the hols. Rayer pls pls pls pls zoom over faster. Just 1 more week. Can't wait for jalan rayer with darling family n friends. N school starts in about 2 weeks. FINALLY. I really have reached my limit rotting. I have made a pact to never ever stay at home for more than a week. I will go shopping n stuff. I will exercise(!). Hahahahahaha. That's how desperate I am.
I also realised, after much self-reflection, I suck. As a daughter. As a sister. As a cousin. As a friend. As a student. As a leader. As a human. N the difference from the ol' me, I am not gonna mope n cry over that fact. I am gonna do smth 'bout it.
I am gonna take time to know more about my family n what's happening with them.
I am gonna stop being so zipped up. I am gonna ring up my ol' friends n have a long overdue chat. Yes, Farah, I will make sure we talk till we drop. At Starbucks. Hehehe. N will not rush off. =)
I will not stone during lectures n tutorials n will work my ass off n make sure I get a GPA of at least 3.
I will contribute more during A&F main comm meetings n will focus.
N, last of all, I will never ever think that my probs r like earth shattering. In short, I will not be so self-centered. I will always think of those worse off than me. I will not blow away all my $$ without any second thoughts. I will try to spend $$ in a better n useful way. I will STOP THINKING OF ALL THE LOVELY CLOTHES. I will limit myself to one piece of merchandise per month. No more, no less.
Oh, n because I have been so patient about getting a new n better hp, I finally got one. Without wasting $$. Well, rather, sis is the one wasting $$. I get her hp while she bought herself a new one. Hahahahaha.
Finally a hp that has a decent camera. N a decent memory where I can store all my beloved music. I can finally give mimi that MP3. It's all yours babe. Wonders of being patient n considerate. You get yourself n others around you happy too.
Yeah bebeh. God still loves me.
Ok I am like so malas to do this but what the heck.
The PEOPLE who tagged you were:
- Farah
Your relationship with them:
- Secondary mate. N my close bud. My confidante. N the list goes on...
5 Impressions you have of her:
- BECOK
- Active giler
- Sociable
- Pandai (of course I am smarter cos I chose Poly, the better place. HAR)
- Sweeeet like honey bebeh
Most memorable thing they have done for you:
- Omg. I so remember this one. A lot. Too many. All I can say, friends through thick n thin. Eh, Farah? =)
Most memorable words they said to you:
- Paper uh. Then again, she talks a lot so, that's the only one memorable. HAHAHAHA.
If she becomes your lover, you will:
- DIE! From her love for sports n her non-stop mouth cos I am the exact opposite of her. HAHAHA. So sorry babe.
If she becomes your lover, things she has to improve on will be:
- Fashion sense. Be more girly? HAHAHAHAHAHA.
If they become your enemy, you will:
- Lose a valuable friend. =(
If they become your enemy, the reason will be:
- Lost contact? I have a tendency to do so cos I am so not sociable.
The most desirable thing you want to do for them now is:
- Drag her go shopping. My way. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Your overall impression of them is:
- One cute sweetie despite that sporty exterior. =)
How do you think people around you will feel about you:
- Quiet, reserved n errmmm... no idea. What do you think? Clueless...
The characteristic you love about yourself is:
- Overall matured. HEHEHEHEHE. Nah, jkjk. I meant to say, down-to-earth.
The characteristic you hate about yourself is:
- Classic answer. TOO INTROVERTED.
The most ideal person you want to be like is:
- Audrey Hepburn.
For people that care and like you, say something to them:
- I LOVE YOU TOO! HAHAHA. N may God bless you. N congrats cos I am not a person you can easily care n like.
Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel about you.
1. Chu Wen
2. Charmaine
3. Kah Yee
4. Cheryl
5. Heira
6. Zakiah
7. Syarifah
8. Magdalene
9. Naqeah
10. Xiao Min
Who is no 6 having relationship with:
- Nah, she's single.
Is no.9 male/female:
- Female.
If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing:
- Errmm, am I ok with lesbian relationships? HAHAHA.
When you last chat with no 3.:
- Ages.
What kind of music that no.8 likes:
- Tak tau. Haven't asked nor checked her MP3 or smth like that.
But I know she listens to both Chinese n English songs.
Does no.1 have any siblings:
- Yes. N he makes her cuckoo. HAHAHAHAHA.
Will you woo no 3:
- Yeah. HAHAHAHAHA.
How bout no 7:
- Hello. Wrong person to be asking. Ask her. Cmfm dier nak. HAHAHAHA.
Is no 4 single:
- Yes. But maybe she has this hush hush thing going on with you-know-who. HAHAHAHAHA.
What's the surname of no5:
- Samsudin. Or was it Samsuldin? God, I suck at spelling names. I am a pro at pronouncing them only. HAHAHAHA.
What's the hobby of no 4:
- SHOPPING! HAHAHAHAHA.
Do no 5 and 9 get along:
- They're complete strangers.
Where is no 2 studying at:
- TP! The right place to be. HAHAHA.
Say something casual about no 1:
- One heck of a scary chick. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Have you tried developing feelings for no 8:
- HAHAHAHAHAHA. No lah, I straight. Dunno if Mag developed any feelings for irresistible me. HAHAHAHAHA.
Where does no 9 lives:
- Pasir Ris. Unless she moved n didn't tell me.
What color does no 4 like:
- Colours of the rainbow! Like the colour of her Topshop bangles! HAHAHA.
Are no 5 and 1 best friends:
- Nope. They don't know each other.
Does no 7 like 2:
- Never met but, hey they're nice people so if they know each other, yeah.
How did you get to know no 2:
- Griffiths Primary then met again at TP.
Does no 1 have any pets:
- Oh no no.
Is 7 the sexiest in the world?:
- Everyone's sexy, but I lead the sexy people, making me SEXIEST. HAHAHAHA.
That was fun. Though I tend to not ask ppl about some things about them. It's all about tits tmw. Thrown down in the dumps. Man I hate that.
Crycrycrycrycrycry. Leave me alone. Need to rejuvenate.
Nites all. Hana loves you.
Finally, after days have passed by, I finally found the urge to blog. The only time I go out nowadays is for tits. God, I was like so karat when we had to act n stuff. The last time we acted was like 2 months(?) n I never was a good actor. Kaku giler. Spent about 10 minutes staring at my oh-so-big nose n realised blackheads have been infesting. SIgh sigh sigh... I suddenly have started listening to old songs, out of the blue. Beatles, Bee Gees, bla bla bla... the list goes on. Courtesy of dear ol' dad. Hehe.
I am still excitingly waiting for RESIDENT EVIL!!! 12 more days! Excited like bouncing up n down just thinking about it. =) Woohoo. So Monday is when we have to do the A&F notice board n discuss stuff. N then Wednesday n Saturday is tits. Next thing you know, HARI RAYA is here!! 13 more days ppl. I am so counting.
Kinda over the moon that my stomach is finally flat n all lean. Woots. I barely have the appetite nowadays. I eat a miniscule amount of rice for sahur n all I do is drink n drink n drink during buka. Must get my appetite back. I miss eating like a pig...
Thinking of changing skin again. I just can't resist. Oh n thanks to jh, I get to watch Prison Break season 3!! Gracias man. I dunno whether it just came out or smth, so if it came out like a long time ago, then you know I am one slow chick. Muahahahaha. Woooooots. Finally something nice to watch this rotting period. Of course, it doesn't hurt that there's some other pluses to it too *cough*Wentworth*cough*.
I feel my knees turning to jelly already... Ooook, enough feeling all love-sick.
If you guys haven't noticed, this is one waaaaaaaay random post. Woots.
Ok I went wandering around the Botanic Gardens in a sick state. I contaminated everyone. Hope they get sick or smth. So anyway, in addition to my boredom, MISS FEVER decided to creep up. Gosh, hate that feeling. Plus, my throat's all scratchy n my nose all blocked. I really really hate it when you have to walk, wait no, HIKE all around Botanic Gardens. Shouldn't have followed kakak n mama. =((
Despite me being all sick, I still managed to squeeze in some shopping. Kau, first time aku gi Tanjong Katong Complex belambak org gitu... Yes, I didn't expect so many ppl there. Ok I have ben v oblivious to the fact that it always gets crowded nearing Hari Raya. Sad sad...
Got home, did usual stuff. Bla bla... Meanwhile, I am waiting for Resident Evil: Extinction to come out. Hehe, 2 more wks...
A05 still have not planned for any other outings. Guess I'll just at home n be a good daughter n help do housework. N cook. =)
Realised how many small things can make me tear. Small things can make me sob n sob n leave me with a heartache. Let me make a list since I am practically killing myself due to boredom.
THINGS THAT MAKE ME DEPRESSED
1. Seeing ppl beg for $$
2. Seeing starving stray cats
3. Left-over food
4. Unrequitted love(this one forever)
5. Kids crying
6. Pretty chicks
MOST OF ALL
7.my single status
I need help. Too many things upset me. Okok, feeling all mellow-y. Better stop.
Peace. =)
I am hearing voices. N it's like 1 in the morning. N everyone's asleep. Damn I am turning nuts. I realised something.
MY GPA IS UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE N IT'S TIME TO BUCK UP!!!!!!!!!
Yup, my brain finally caught up to the fact that my GPA is very low compared to others. It sucks like rotten cheese. Stupid POM, stupid MIcroecons. Wait, econs was ok but I blanked out during e exam so, yeah, stupid Microecons.
STUPID FA... I will never get an A like I used to. Am citing nonsense due to lack of sleep but I am trying to deny that fact. I am not really lacking sleep it's just that I wake up too early. Right? Right? N I can't sleep so can't force myself.
Shut up ray. You're delirious. Shut your effing mouth. Ziiiiiiippppppppp...
Current state of mind: Nuts
Ok this shall be the last thing I do before I hit the sack. Spent the day cleaning the fans. Yes, fans. How exciting. Followed by rotting away. Btw, I suddenly one of those bohemian dresses. Yes, those cute tube dresses that look so sweet when worn with a cardigan. Must must must quench my hunger for that tomorrow. Hehe. Nah, I won't go somewhere far. I'll multitask. While I go grocery shopping tmw with mama, I'll look around.
Sigh... feel peaceful shutting up n not saying anything that will cause me to batal puasa. Tmw's Sunday, so... more of rotting n stuff. Guess I'll go make muffins! Hehehe. As you can see, that is me going senile, one of the effects of sitting at home not able to do anything.
That reminds me, in light of the fasting month, I would like to apologise from the bottom of my heart to those that I have hurt intentionally n unintentionally, be it through my actions or words. I know I have this habit of hurting ppl with my bullet-speed mouth alone. So ya, pls tell me ppl if I talk too much or too crappily. N pls tell me if I am too zipped up. Don't wanna be labelled as anti-social.
Okokokok, there I go again. Better stop before kena a shorter curfew again. Btw, I have to shut the com by 12 cos busted by mama. Seems that someone has been complaing. Whatever. So yes, have to be in bed by 12.30 the most. Being the teenager I am, I usually ignore her warning. Buutttt, I should start obeying before dad steps in. N then...wooo...then it's Hana forbidden from using the com. I think I am starting to get addicted to the com. Tsk tsk tsk... =)
SLAMAT BERPUASA PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
After all the worrying n nightmares, the verdict is finally out. GPA is a pathetic 2.3. I should not really be complaining about it but hey, being Hana, I just have to complain about everything. I seriously thought that I was bound to sit for supp ppr. That's how sure I am of myself.
FA was a letdown for me but it was anticipated. Seriously doubting whether I can be an accountant or not. V happy that CSA got an okay grade.
Btw, yesterday was Timothy's b'day! Haha. Sabrina got him a birthday muffin n we sang him a b'day song by the Esplanade. Hah. Mesti couple2 kat situ bengang ngan kiter org. I mean, all the couples were all lovey dovey n we spoiled e atmosphere. We kena cheated for dinner! The food portions were soooo little n the price was... u do the math. Just felt that the price wasn't right.
Riiiggghht someone is really pushing my buttons. Watch your sorry butts cos u really do not wanna do that. What I do is none of your business. I know what I am doing. You just spoiled my day. PISS OFF.
=)
I was a good daughter today n followed mama to Geylang. Same ol' stuff. Gonna make it a short one today. In 5 hrs time goin to have dinner @ Lau Pa Sat with A05. Stupid phone line at home is all messed up. So had to use hp to call ppl. =(
Guess I'll go have my beauty nap before getting ready. Ooh wait, stomach's grumbling. That means rummaging the kitch. =)
Hahaha wish fulfilled to have outing with Mikaeeray. Went Vivo as said earlier n the first thing we did when we arrived was EAT. Yes...eat cos we were practically starving. After that, went around looking for Daiso to buy smth. Went to the top n took pics instead of drooling looking at shop displays. We were practically like tourists with all the picture taking. =)
Once done, we went to the Esplanade kononnya nak lepak but ended up in McCafe Marina Square. Regretted buying that Mango Frappe. Tastes like lassi but with twice the milk content. Eeaaaggghh. Had to buy fries to get rid of the taste in my mouth. Sang along to the songs being played there with Heira as my partner-in-crime. Haha. Ika n Mims were so paiseh.
We made 'disappearing' videos. Mainly Mims 'disappearing'. Was so high there. People were like giving us that look. That look when they see crazy people. Well, we wanted to walk to Orchard. Ended up going all the way from Esplanade to the court to the museums there to Clarke Quay. Yes, we went 1 BIG ROUND. Stupid us...
Eventually we resorted to looking at the map to find the route to Orchard. We walked n we saw National Library. We walked in the opposite way that we were supposed to go. Ended up in Bugis n ended up in the MRT. We conceded defeat n decided to take the train. We miraculously managed to walk around Paragon n Far East Plaza, all in 1/2 hrs time.
So that was our big outing where we got lost. What a day. Kaki aku macam nak patah. It's now like 12 smth n I am still not sleepy. Woohoo. 4 more days to posa. No more late nights for me by then.
Any one up for getting lost around S'pore? Then give me a ring =)
You just know that the day is going to be v tiring when small kids invade your house. That's exactly what happened. My little bundles of joy came over. My 2 cute lil cousins that is. Plus, Ika but she's not really cute cos she's too big. Haha. Sorry Ika. So, spent the whole day playing with them n stuff. N cleaning up after them. N having girls' talk with Ika after eons have passed since I last saw her.
I woke up to find Laili playing the piano n boy, it was so memekak. Aku nak tidur pun tak boleh. But never mind cos she's too cute to be angry at. She was so active. N it was only 10 in the morning. I used to be like that. Guess I am just getting old.
Ika came later, bringing along Ratatouille. We all watched together! The all-girls club. The rat was so cute I tell you. Ended up with me the only one watching cos all of them fell asleep. Having their naps. Haha. What babies. Then then, Om brought Qois n nenek along. !!! So fun. He of course, as usual, greeted us all with a cry(Qois not Om). Took quite a long time for him to warm up to us.
I got to carry him around n played cars with him. N he got excited over a lorry. He started gibbering as soon as he saw it. Babies, they get excited over small stuff. Played with them until it was time to go home. Saddest part. Got kisses from Laili, Qois n Ika. Ha. Love you all lah. So cute.
Then Qois did this funny lil dance while he was waving goodbye before getting into Om's car. Hahaha. He looked like some elf dancing around. Btw!!! Mikaeeray is finally having an outing tomorrow!! Hehehe. To Vivo n all around!!! Then drink Starbucks. Enjoying till puasa. Let's eat n be merry.
The holidays looking up. Kids just make me feel all motherly n warm inside. N shopping makes me alive. N A05 makes me happy. Hahhaa. Can't wait Tuesday!! Must convince mama. Dad allowed so one down, one more to go. So high... =)))))
Is it possible Mr Lovable is already in my life?
Drat drat drat drat. I am sucked into the storm again. Yup, she's in one of her horrible moods again. Says that the room is like a landfill because of me when it's her things that are messing up the room. My things are all neatly kept. Swear to God she's starting to hallucinate. At the rate she is nagging, I'd rather have my own room even though I am afraid of sleeping alone than hear her talk crap. N I mean pure crapness.
It's only been a few days of holiday. I can't stand the nagging. I know I have been saying this over n over again but I really can't do anything 'cept blog about it. I can't talk back cos it will only make matters worse. So, my blog's the victim of my anger. SIck of her attitude. Feel like hurling the whole damn bed into her. Then she'll shut the hell up.
So anyway, Going shopping FINALLY tomorrow. Not really shopping for clothes but at least I get to go out. Going Ikea to get mama's card renewed smth like that.
I will promise to myself that I will not wake up so late anymore. I will wake up early n clean up my bed, clean up the room, throw away things I do not need, help out around the house, go iron clothes bla bla bla. In short, I will be a temporary housewife this holiday. How nice...
Resorting to just zombieing away in front of the tv in the day n either going online or continue zombieing at night. Can't go out cos no $$ so saving up till I have enough then I'll go paint the town red. I'll be the happiest girl when that happens. I am not in the stage of boredom where I start counting down the days when school starts again.
She has quieten down btw. Just counting the minutes till she erupts again. I have to make sure that I don't piss anyone cos if that happens, Dad will forbid me to use the com. So I will be a v nice girl to everyone in the house n mind my own business.
N yes, she is nagging again, making mama nag too. She always causes a chain reaction. A chain reaction which will end up with me being the victim. So yes, I will always be the victim when I sit at home for too long.
Good night people. Feeling so miserable at the moment.
Right so I went off reading people's blogs n found that Chu Wen n Magg has decided to tag me to do this quiz. So here goes nothing.
List the top 5 birthday presents that you wish for:
1. All the clothes in the world! Hehe. That was materialistic. Right Cheryl? =)
2. Ipod. Cos my current MP3 stores a pathetic amount of songs.
3. My Prince Charming...
4. All the $$ in the world!! I want them to be sent in a blue VW Beetle you hear me?
5. WORLD PEACE. Seriously.
Answer the following questions:
1. The person who tagged you was?
- Chu Wen
- Magg
2. Your relationship with him/her?
- Poly mates
3. Your 5 impressions of him/her?
CHU WEN
- Outspoken
- One wack of a girl
- Speaks her mind
- Straight to the point
- Doesn't speak English like the rest of us...
MAGG
- Crazy
- Sweet
- Taaaaaallll
- V outgoing
- Likes to twirl her hair
4. The most memorable word he/she said to you?
CHU WEN
- Woman. She says that when addressing me sometimes. N lots of other stuff.
MAGG
- Dunno. Say a lot of nice things. =)
5. If he/she becomes your lover, you will:
!!!!!!! Nauzubillah!
6. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be?
...
7. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will:
- Ermm, I hate having enemies so, touch wood touch wood...
8. If he/she becomes you enemy, the reason would be?
- Maybe cos they hurt my feelings?
9. The most desirable thing you want to do for him/her?
- Bake a cake for the both of them! Randomness.
10. Your overall impression of him/her?
CHU WEN
- Strong-headed?
MAGG
- Sisterly. Can I say that?
11. How do you think people around you feel about you?
- Both quiet n talkative n a tad irritating.
12. The characteristics that you love about yourself?
- Immaculate
- Loyal
13. On the contrary, the characteristics that you hate about yourself?
- Neat freak
- Takes things too seriously
14. The most ideal person you want to be?
- Moi! Cos I am the only Rayhana around!
15. Pass this quiz to 10 people
- Cheryl
- Daniel
- Jan Rick
- Naqeah
- Aqmar
-Hiera
- Xiao Min
- Farah
Done. Boy am I drained. Despite having a 4 hour nap. Tsk tsk. Signs of major rotting. So anyway, tmw picking up that National Day windbreaker at school. Don't even know why I bother to take it. Oh well, can give my Dad or something. It's a size L btw. The only size available.
Good thing is that family having a buffet dinner tmw!! Yahoo. Eat eat eat. Since it's at TM, after eating, can shop shop shop, providing there's time. Guess I am just gonna fill myself up n then have a sleepless night since I ate too much.
Peace all.
It's Sunday but boy am I bored. So I have come up with a list of things to do this hols.
1. Go shopping(as usual)
2. Clean up room before puasa
3. Seriously stop biting nails
4. Stock up on important beauty products
5. Watch movie(with or w/o A05)
6. Catch up on reading
...
So far that is all I can come up with. Any ideas? Still trying v hard to get rid of the stupid ulcer. I am becoming quieter day by day. N becoming a grouch day by day. N becoming withdrawn from family day by day. I know this is v funny coming from me but I miss school n A05. Miss the crapping n stuff. N to think that I looked forward to hols every time. That kinda changed recently. Wonder wonder...
One freakish pimple on my cheek. It always appears every holiday. Not going for a trip outside S'pore this holiday. BORING. Blaggghhhh...
Woo... really wanna go swimming, minus the darkening of skin part after a year of shunning the chlorine-and-urine-infested swimming pool(gross but true). It's amusing how just a mere 5 minutes can turn me into not a red lobster, but a black one. A really burnt lobster. It took me a year to get to the present skin tone. So by the time semester 2 starts, I'll still be dark. Now who wants to go back to school looking like that? A dark uneven skin tone with peeling sunburnt skin. How appealing...
Sarcastic side n moody side of me is showing cos family is getting me all riled up. Or is that just my teenage rage showing? Either way, I am hating the way I am now. Need to change that mood of mine. Grab it by the horns n teach it a lesson.
Keeping my writing skills n myself alive by blogging frequently. It's just satisfying. Thinking of the workload that's going to be dumped on us in Sem 2. Anything but report writing n all that Comm Skills crapload.
Pretty soon, you'll find me banging my head against the walls at home. That would be the effects of boredom. So please, let me have some thing to do...
Swear to god my ulcer makes me feel as if my tongue is being ripped to pieces. Had to talk like some kind of retard without hurting my ulcer, which was impossible. Went to PRSS, saw friends n teachers n I guess end of story. Nothing much.
Ho Hum. Had to come back to school though for some photoshoot. Was late 30 minutes. Swear to god AGAIN that I will never take bus number 5 when I wanna go to school.
I AM SO SORRY CHARMAINE FOR BEING LATE!!!!
Am in a mega rotten mood. Lagu playing pun damn sad songs. Tsk tsk... Btw, all the sec 1s are so minah now. DANGNABBIT. To think that sec 1s are supposed to be innocent people like we used to be. How times have changed.
Hols are so in my face now. Guess I'll be rotting with nothing to do with a rotten mood. Hope I can go SHOPPING n do all my beloved thingys before puasa. <3
Then I'll be hibernating. Oh ya, plus cleaning up the house n baking. =(
Other than that, I shall be immobile for 1 whole month. How greaaaattt.
Freaking out waiting for results. I don't wanna take supp ppr. They suck. Especially since I threw away all memories of the things I studied out of my head. Hahaha. Can't remember one friggin thing.
Today's horoscope was one big irony. It says,
"You'll feel good about yourself today, and you deserve to feel this way.
Jupiter and the moon will keep up your optimistic outlook, and keep you confident that you can handle the increasing amounts of responsibility you're being given."
Muahaha. I am the exact opposite of that. My optimism is running thin n I have never felt confident about anything. N I always hyperventilate whenever my responsibilities get bigger n scarier.
So what the heck was my horoscope bull-taiking about? Bah. So lesson of the day is, horoscopes are pure crap. They're not even true. I guess. Really feel like whacking myself upside down. Whack myself for being in such a rotten mood. N whack myself to get rid of the rottenness.
So irritated. Irritated with the world. Har. Don't know who I am irritated with so just get irritated with the whole world. Easier. I wanna have a mega huge feast n pig out like no tomorrow to drown out all the rottenness. Hehe.
I am still alive. N kicking. Exams r so over. Just have to worry whether I have to take supp ppr or not. =(
Had a bad start in the morning. The bus was like 10 minutes late. Had to take a cab which took a huge bite from my wallet. Hmmpph.Was practically cursing till I arrived in the sports hall. Thank God I studied my pantat off. Took my own sweet time to finish it. Harhar.
Went to Suntec City with the girls to enjoy the end of exams. That aroused my need for shopping again. Hehehe. By the time I was in the bus on the way home, I was practically snoozing. Woke up to find myself in a blur.
Not much to write about. This is one boring post. Teacher's Day tomorrow!
Right. I am supposed to be studying but since I studied for like 5 hours today so yeah I am entitled to a few hours on the Net. Came to school at 9 to check Comm Skills marks. She yakked n stuff n it ended at 9.11. I was like WHAT?? You made me wake up so early for just 11 minutes?! Good thing was I got to study FA at school. It was v effective I tell you.
I could do the optional questions surprisingly. Guess my brain's not rusty yet. Hehe. So anyway, counting down to the exams. Really have to take it seriously. No more goofing around. One more week... First paper is FA. With all the effort put in, I really hope I get a good mark.
I haven't touched POM n CSA. So scary. Too many notes to read, too little time. Should have went through it religiously after every lecture. =(
Room's getting messier now that I am focusing on studying. Gasak ah kau. Aku tak kisah. Wednesday n Thursday maybe going back to school to study. Which is nice, since big sis finally working the night shift. While she snores away at home in the day, I'll be at school n when I get home, she'll be getting ready to go to work. Woohoo. Peace n I'll be able to study without any interruptions.
I will lock myself up in my room, n will not come out until I finish studying. That's right, no eating, no nothing. Have to discipline myself.
All this worrying n planning out my schedule is giving me a huge headache again. Last I got it was about a month back. Sigh...Slept so early yesterday. 9! Be gone fast exams n be here fast holidays!!
Still have to pay back one day of fasting. Bugger. I'll be sure to eat like no tomorrow in the week before Ramadan. Oh n to zip my mouth to prevent any bad things from coming out. My pants will confirm be baggy. Hahahaha. Cravings for cold drinks will start again.
Mama is asking me to bake the cookies for Hari Raya this year since I will be having my 1 month plus break. Guess I'll be rotting away at home, baking n slaving in the kitchen next month. What luck man.
Guess that's all I gotta say. Big sis strangely nag-free today. Woooo... Haha. So bad. Whatever. Guess I will be on hiatus till Saturday or something. Or maybe after the exams. We'll see if boredom attacks me again or if I suffer brain block. That is when I can only watch tv or go online only n no studying.
Watched fireworks on Saturday. Awesome stuff man! Loads of times better than NDP's. Lifted all my sorrows. Too bad had to wait for like an hour plus 20 minutes delay. When it was done, we had to eat at Tekka cos the stupid restaurants at City Hall did not want extra $$ from us n decided to close early. Their loss.
Was totally beat went I got home. All I remembered when I finished bathing n stuff was zzzzz's...
K I know I did a post earlier. But that was for me to get my anger out of my system. Was in a funk people. So, I know that I shouldn't be blogging anymore. Have to study n sleep early yada yada yada yada... Finally done my FA. The 1st qn alone took 4 hours n I did it with friends mind you. Wonder how long it would have taken if I did it alone... hmm...
So anyway, gearing up for another long n dry day filled with lectures n tutorial. Pimples fighting their way up to the surface of my forehead. Oil too. Dangnabbit. Thank God next week's Study Week. At least can study without the dreadfully boring lectures n tutorials. I still have no idea whether to study at school or home.
If I were to study at home chances are all I'll do is pig out. Studying makes me hungry. I don't mind the eating part, but the thing is at the end of the day, all that I have done is not study but eat.
Study at school, not really any disadvantages. Emotions all mixed like salad in a bowl. Guess that's cos I am having my Ribena days, if you get my drift. Hehehehe... Worse thing that can ever happen to me.
Wanna express my feelings!!! How??? Heeeelp somebody. Having a hard time trying to keep the lid on my feelings shut. It wants to leap out. Can't help it. Must resist. I need a break from myself. Maybe studying n sitting at home will cure me.
Craving for my apple juice n frozen yoghurt. Oh, haha. It's still in the freezer. Left it too long. Haiz... Guess I'll have that for breakfast tmw. N apple juice too.
Btw, coming early. Wanna check my answers with the others. Pray that I will be able to get a decent mark for FA exam.
Right I really have to go n sleep, which means I am left with only 6 hours to sleep. Not bad. Recorded Prison Break so can watch anytime. Hohohohoho, Wentworth Miller you make my heart skip a beat... Even Ribena days can't stop me pining for you... Right that's oozing with disgusting dungpiles of lovies n cheesiness... eeewwww...
Night all... don't let the bedbugs bite... X)
Rolling my eyes non-stop. That's cos as I am typing away, big sis is nagging away in the background. She blames me for not helping to clean up the room.
Excuse me?! You say I am not helping?!
You wouldn't help me clear my side of the room n now you expect me to help clear your part of the room. I ain't some kind of effing maid. I know I don't clean up that often but hey if you're like pissed off cos you're tired from work or whatever, don't take your anger out on me.
I know I have hell lot of flaws but hey too bad I was born to be your lil sis. Just accept me for who I am. You have flaws too. Don't make me hate you even more.
You don't know this but I secretly rejoice when you work the afternoon shift, where you will only be home at night. Less I see of you. Guess you like that don't you? I know you don't like me either.
Whatever. I am not gonna bow down to you the way I used to since I was like a small kid. I am just gonna blank you out when you nag. I'll ignore what you say.
Wanna know why? Cos even though I might say that you suck n I hate you, you're still my big sis and I'll always respect you. I will never change the way I am but I will still love you n wish the best for you.
So, this post is not to diss you but to just tell you that I am sick of the way you bring me down n make me feel inferior. I am not. I am every bit as good as anyone else.
Hope you understand me more. Cos I understand you.
Today was smooth sailing. Woke up at 6 but snoozed till 6.20 as usual then ran to get bathed. Got ready as fast as possible. Rushed cos I wanted to straighten my hair! Hee. Did that in 20 minutes. Now that's a record time for me. Usually takes an hour.
Didn't have frozen yoghurt for breakfast. =( Oh well, had burger. Well, to be more precise, 1/4 of a burger. Had to wait for the bus for like 15 minutes cos I missed it. Wasn't sweating! That was a sign that my Tuesday was really going to be a good one.
I was really nervous when we went into the room. I completely forgot my speech for a moment there. My hands were damn icy cold I tell you. My palms turned all white and my nails turned blue.
As predicted, I mowed through my speech. I was practically a speeding bullet. Next thing I knew, it was all over! All the nervousness out the door.
I would like to say that I really love 1A05 for understanding that I can't eat at non-halal restaurants n that they did not complain that we had to eat at Pizza Hut and not Cafe Cartel like they wanted. Really really really love u guys!!!
Had a v nice lunch. Had seafood pasta. Was v full after finishing it. Sat around n took some pictures. We finally managed to persuade Cheryl n Jun Hong to take a picture together. Hahahahahaha. Thanks for being sporting u guys.
After that, some of the guys went off to watch Rush Hour 3 while the rest went home, including me. Was so tired. The bus came just as I arrived at the interchange. Sat at one corner, blasted the music and watched the world go by, which included sneering at oh-so-slenge secondary school kids who were acting like they knew everything. Hah. Wannabes. I was the exact opposite of them, FYI.
I shall watch CSI at 10 and tuck myself in bed at 11.10. I want to sleep for 8 or more hours! Will wake up at 8.30 tmw. Lovin' my life!
Me n Cheryl in the lift
See the huge difference in height? =X
Kidding Cheryl
The "Lovebirds"
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
Right. It's now 9.30. I am more relaxed. Everything under control. Phew... decided not to use powerpoint slides. Screw her if she doesn't allow me to show more than 2 pics. I'll just curse her or something. God my evil side is unleashed.
Let's see... hmm... there's the Shy Hana, Pissed Hana, Happy-Go-Lucky Hana, and the most profound... Sweet Hana! Hee hee hee. Right I am crapping so much and it helps me get rid of the jitters. I promise myself I'll have fun giving my speech tmw.
If the class finds my speech boring, that's ok. The next time I'll make my speeches more entertaining. I am being very OPTIMISTIC.
Ways to make my Tuesday a fantastic one:
- Straighten my wild hair so that I wil have nice hair for speech.
- I shall have frozen yoghurt for breakfast.
- Blast the music in my ears and re-read my speech while in the bus.
- Shall not eat anything before the speech cos that will cause me to be sick and vomit all over the floor, which in turn will make the cleaners' Tuesday a miserable one.
- Shall have a v nice lunch and dinner to treat myself and to mark the end of the torture of speech.
- If possible, avoid big sis at all costs. If not, then be extra nice to her and suck in all her naggings.
- Do my Microecons before CSI starts.
- Watch CSI!!
- Sleep immediately after that.
Yup, that pretty much will make my Tuesday wonderful. I'll have to refrain myself from going online from tmw onwards. Study study study...
Yes, I'll have fun studying. I won't take the whole day to study just one chapter anymore. I shall be more disciplined and study a whole subject in one day. It is possible.
"Anything's possible if you believe". God, got that tacky qoute from some movie. Tacky things are amusing. Seriously. Makes your life more entertaining.
I am LITTLE MISS OPTIMISTIC. No questions asked and no doubts about that.
I swear to God, I am getting nervous and I just won't sit still. My hands are shaking. My mind won't think straight. I lost my appetite. Arrggghh!!! What is so big that can reduce me into shivers? Yes, it's the speech! I talk too fast when I am nervous and I can't solve that problem yet.
Am trying to find a way how I can show the pictures by using only 2 ppt slides. How is that possible?! Guess I'll have to sacrifice some of the pics.
I swear I am bound to have a heart attack any moment. Oh my God, 13 more hours... I am counting down... Wish me luck people! I need them!
I finally got my wish to sleep the whole day. Slept from 11 till 4. So happy! =)
Woke up to find the National Day tattoo on my face. No prizes for guessing who did it. Had bloody red cheeks from trying to remove it. Being a v nice big sis, I did not attack Mimsy for that.
So did nothing after waking up. Ate (as usual) then watched the tube, blanked out before finally going online. I really do not know how to edit my speech anymore. She said to make it for the ears and not the eyes but all the facts are in good english. Haha.
Really beginning to loathe weekends now. There's nothing to do!!!! Just studying. Speaking of which, since I was practically dying, I finished all my csa quizzes. No more putting it off. I aced all of 'em. Ha! Beat that. Kk I am so action.
I miss bowling... even though I practically suck at it. I wanna have outing with 1A05!!! Sick of studying. Maybe after exams we'll have one. Can't wait for the chalet. Wait long long lah...
Hmm... let's see. The room's all mine!! Big sis working the afternoon shift. Coming home only at 11 pm. So peaceful without her home. She's like being a freak about saving the earth. She'll be the one who pulls out all the plugs that are not in use.
"Pulling out all the plugs will reduce electricity consumption and this saves the Earth" - Quote by her.
Whatever. She's driving me bananas. Soon I'll go crazy n be admitted to Woodbridge. Wait, she'll be there. AAARRRRGGGHHHH...
Damn. Just heard from mama Dad's fetching her from work. Means she'll be home an hour earlier. What rotten luck. Counting down to the speech. Left 3 days. That's my funeral people.
Oh n water makes me rush to the toilet every hour. That's why I don't drink too much water. Hah. So random.
National Day brings out the patriotic side of Cheryl. Why? Well, that's cos she was singing nearly every national day song being played. Loudly mind you. I was guilty too lah. But Cheryl made me sing along. She was being really hyper n stuff. But it was nice.
I was part of the human S'pore flag! The goody pack kinda sucked. Nothing much in it. Brought home the umbrella. Highlight of the whole thing was of course the fireworks!!!! It was beautiful. Worth waiting for 1 hour. Everyone was in awe. Never fails to amaze me.
That was yesterday. Today, well, nothing much happened. Was literally lost when he was lecturing on GST. Plus, kena call by him for talking too much with Chu Wen. Made me so paiseh. I wasn't talking alot man. That made me shut up all the way till the end of tutorial.
Met up with Heira after school. Walked around n around Tampines. God, my life is getting more duller n duller... Need to do something exciting... but what???
I am sooooooo happy. Speech is finally written out. Finito. Dah habis. I just have to edit and rehearse. And print the pics for the speech. Did FA already. Feeling hardworking today. Even cleaned up my room. And that's a miracle k.
Downturn was that Dad forgot to bring home the cam from his office. So effing peeved. But kept it in. I mean it's my Dad. Being a good child I shall be cool about it.
Whatever.
Meeting the girls tomorrow for the human flag! Hehehehe. Prepare to be burnt alive. Too bad have to wear business shirt. Sad man. People will be wondering who those bright yellow people are. I hope that Charmaine brings her cam so can take pics. Can't wait to watch fireworks. Always loved it.
Night all and Happy National Day!
Hey all. Had a nice day. Went to run on the track. Was supposed to be running continously for 20 minutes but I conceded defeat and after only 1 pathetic round, I went to the gym. Cycled and ran on the threadmill. This time, there's no more muscle cramps! Haha. Unlike last week. Lasted for like a few days. Harhar. Oh and weirdly gained 1 kg. Must be due to eating over the weekend. Bad news, my ankle like sprained like that. I should really learn the right way of exercising.
Anyway, for the comm skills report right, we managed to pass!! Hahaha. Considering that we hardly showed her the draft and we did not print it in colour. Wonder wonder... Thanks to my group members for putting up with all the crap and stuff.
The test was pure torture. Had 5 minutes to do the last part that was worth 10 MARKS!!! Handwriting really crap. Hope she can read it. Speaking of torture, econs tutorial is so burdening. Can't understand a thing. Left Qn 1 completely blank. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Key word here is MAYBE. Harhar.
Made some progress on the speech. One more week...=( It's scaring my pants off. Hehehehe. Oh CSI was very disturbing. The killer is one heck of a lunatic. Serious nutcase. He does experiments on people and thinks that it's not wrong. Sick to the core. Made me wanna hurl.
Two more days to National Day! Can't wait. Too bad Friday we have school. The class so patriotic wanna wear either red or white on Wednesday. So good! I guess wearing red. Have to do FA tomorrow while waiting for tits. If I don't do it, I am going to screw up my chances of passing FA. I musn't fail FA. MUST NOT FAIL...
Stuck in the lab. Woke up just for csa tutorial. Thank God I managed to pass excel test. Some good news for the beginning of the week. Must make this week a great one. Been having either crappy weeks or half crappy half great weeks. K whatever. Not making much sense. When I get home there will be absolutely nothing to do. Besides studying which I absolutely do not wanna do. Miss mikaeeray so much. I am in need of cousin bonding. =(
Was hoping that cousins could meet me after NDP, but nooooo mama wouldn't allow. Said it would be too late by the time they meet me. Said too many people. ????. No comment. Thought that we could celebrate ND together. At least get to spend it with those involved in the umbrella thingy.
Dying of boredom. Seriously. Bet everyone is either blogging or checking friendster or chatting or doing something other than listening to him.
Ate a lot during the weekend. Dunno why. Just don't care. Nothing much happening these days. I don't think A05 will be staying back as often now. Projects all done. Kinda miss the crapping. Harhar.
The teach getting all serious cos some guy is sitting in the lab. Funny eh. Should see him getting all fierce but tak menjadi. I see YK drawing things on the board. I really should start listening before he makes me answer qns which I did but am clueless about.
K guess that's all. Have a nice Monday.
Hey! Like my new skin? I personally feel this is waaaay better than my first. Has more colour! Hehe. Too much black is boring. Right. So Saturday was absolutely full of boredom. Did csa tutorial. Think I'll do e other tutorials tmw. Trying to do my speech. So far, I've written only one sentence. Guess? Yeap, it's the greeting. Still have no idea what to do for the visual aids. I guess in e end, I'll be showing some pics of people who are chanting n stuff. Wow, now that's exciting. Har. That was dripping with sarcasm btw, in case you didn't realise.
Projects all done. Happiness in full gear. Too bad have to start studying. Speaking of which, reminds me of Friday's Microecons lecture. The lecturer was the same lecturer that I said. He was so... I dunno, words can't even begin to describe him. The lecture was only 5 pages long, but he took 1 n 1/2 hours!! I bet it could have finished waaay earlier. I was really nodding off due to serious lack of sleep. I think I lost like 25 hours of sleep. Sigh... So I went off home on Friday thinking of econs n how in the world I am going to understand this week's topic. So screwed...
Guess I am going to start the week in a good mood. Well, for starters, no Comm Skills on Monday. Tuesday is Comm Skills test, but that means we won't have to hear her drone on n on about stuff... and Thursday's National Day where I'll be raising umbrellas. Wahahaha. At least get to absorb the atmosphere there.
WISHES AT THE MOMENT:
- Black shoes that have heels (for presentation purposes)
- Stop biting nails
- Stop stoning when studying
- To actually study instead of doodling and pretending to study
- Stop addiction on mp3
- Start cleaning up my room
- Learn to talk less, listen n observe more around friends
- Talk more with strangers and acquaintances
- Smile more
- Stop obsessing about what other people think of me
Night all... oh n I made the font larger. More readable this way don't you think?
Watched the Simpsons!! Haha. It was way funny. U guys should really watch it. Anyway, was v unhappy when we could not eat at Top Table. Fully reserved. @$%^$#@. Ha. Then I could not join the class for lunch at Sakae Sushi cos the movie starts at 2.50. When I reached the interchange, Mimsy told me that she could not watch the 2.50 one. Had to watch at 5. Bloody hell. My mood was obviously bad the whole day.
To top it off, there was this guy at the interchange who was talking to himself and he came close and talked to me. Twice ok. But I couldn't hear a thing. Ears plugged with mp3. I just nodded and smiled. And walked away.
The Simpsons Movie is full of pure stupidity. Imagine, Homer creates havoc in Springfield all because of donuts. ????. Harharhar. Liked the part where Homer brings home the pig.
Did FA in a semi-conscious state. My eyes really could not take it. Funny how they opened up when I start to blog... hehe. Can't sleep... I swear I will hibernate during the 2 months break. Eyebags starting to show. And I thought that I was eyebag-resistant. Got a lecture from mama about it.
Mama: Are those eyebags under your eyes? Serves you right. Sleep so late some more lah! bla bla bla...
Was rushing so couldn't hear properly. Older sis, seeing it as an oppurtunity to taunt me, joined the nagging. Wth. Whatever. Here I am rushing to go to school and they are talking about EYEBAGS?! Even I can't understand my mother. I guess I'll become like her when I grow up. Minus the nagging. I hope.
Guess I'll do stuff before finally hitting the sack. Must buy mocha tomorrow. I don't care. And do something about these eybags...
Projects projects projects. They wreck your sleeping time, eating time and they give you eyebags. The sad thing is, you need projects to survive in poly. And for people like me who's grades are hardly dependable, projects are our key to passing and getting promoted. God, projects just suck the life out of you. You become anti social. Take for instance, the moment I reached home, I ate dinner alone cos my whole family had dinner already so I just sat eating alone. After that, did projects. Hardly said a word to any one. See what I mean? My life is so screwed up.
But let's all be optimistic people. All projects due this week and after that, we can all be happy teenagers again! Well, at least until study break is here and that's when we have to crack our already cracked brains to study. Well, that's alright. Been doing that for like the past 10 years.
So the main purpose of this post is to just tell everyone that projects come and go, but friendships won't. Once you lose it, it's final. No more. Is it worth to lose friendships over projects? I don't think so. So, just keep that in mind. I used to think that projects are the most important thing but not anymore. I had to lose a friend to learn this lesson. Not meant for anyone, but just a reminder to y'all.
Peace people.
Btw, googled my name and found out that there's a hotel that has the same name as me, Royal Rayhana Hotel. Harhar. Wonders of boredom.
K finally finished my blasted outline. Now all that's swirling in my lil head are things associated to Wicca. You know, as in witchcraft n stuff. Pondered on my life (haven't done some self-reflecting in a long time) and discovered that deep inside, I tend to distance myself from those close to me. I shut myself out from the outside world at times. For some reason, that comforts me. Sunday always gets me all emo and misty-eyed. Sunday blues maybe?
Feeling like I am the odd one out. Why? Only I know. K let's forget all that. Who wants to read another sad post? I know I don't. Well, sometimes I do. So, Sunday saw more pimples forming on my forehead and my face getting oilier. It's all because of projects and more projects. Thank God I got a pretty decent mark for my FA test. Oh n everytime Mr Tan sees my face he is reminded my the song 'Umbrella'. No comment. At least he knows my name, something that most of my tutors aren't able to do. Which is kinda good, seeing that I can be able to fade into the background.
Right it's obvious that my brain is having a mental block. I am actually supposed to switch off everything, keep all my stuff and crash into bed, but I don't wanna do that. No idea why. I just feel like writing on and on. Speaking of which, it's been awhile since I wrote in my darling diary. Now that is where I know I can write as long as I want and whatever I want.
Right I guess that's all. Lovin' the weather. It's freezing cold n that means I can bury myself in bed. Just have to print the outline tomorrow n I'll be on my way, going head on into the week. Ciao.
Hey there. Tired day. Family Day was fun but had to walk alot. And I mean alot. Got lost too. Haha. The zoo changed alot man. K whatever. Had free ice-cream, kfc, popcorn and stuff. Got to see hippos, monkeys and elephants up close and personal. I know v pathetic of me as if I've never seen animals before. Oh n I saw white tigers. They're really white. Hahahahahahaha.
K so other than seeing animals n getting free stuff n playing games, nothing much. We didn't win the lucky draw (predictable). So I was like simply dying of boredom. But loved the fact that the whole family got to spend the whole day together FINALLY. We went home early. Wanted to sleep in the cab but thanks to my contact lens, I had to keep awake. Took some pics to keep myself awake. Got home n wanted to crash but ended up watching Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. JOSH DUHAMEL IS SO HOT. K random.Waited for sis to finish using e lappy for like forever.
Here is what happened on Friday. We went round PP and the girls could not find any formal outfit and I did not find my blouse so we decided to head to Tampines to find. Went Tampines but still zilch. I went home frustrated n so I have come to a conclusion that I will just wear my long-sleeved blouse. Hehe. Look at the bright side, I save $$!
So trying to do my outline. So hard. There's still csa to do. Help me people. I am drowning in a sea of procrastination. Sigh. I really should stop procrastinating.
PS: Watching Simpsons on Thursday!!!!! Can't wait. Oh, means I'll be watching it in my formal outfit. Harhar. Something tells me that I do not care.
Spider pig...spider pig... hahahahahaha. Pardon the randomness and craziness people. Just unwell.
Nite all.
Just got msg from Cheryl saying that the excel test this coming monday.
Just shoot me in the head...
Ok I really don't feel like sleeping and I finished drawing the graphs. V nice you know. Hahahaha. I feel dumb for posting 2 posts in 2 hours. Heck.
13th August- Dinner with Dan, Farah, Faz and Fiza.
That's a date to remember. I miss them soooo much. It's been ages since I last saw them. Am making sure that we cam-whore a lot!!! But with Dan around, guess that's bound to happen. Harhar. Ok, guess that's all. Just wanted to remind myself about the dinner. Peace people. Goodnite. Waking up in 5 hours time.
PS: Tomorrow will be a music-free day. I'll suffer fer sure. Mimsy just had to borrow mp3 the day there's econs lecture. Sob sob...
Hehehehe. Finaly I have time to blog. Let's see. Oh. POM project due this Friday. Have no idea what to do for e skit and I still have no idea how to start the intro of econs report. Help anybody?? Thank God there won't be FA lecture in the morning. Can sleep later and wake up later. Hehehehehehehehe. So fun. Wake up late. Getting FA class test back tomorrow. Prepare to die!!! Hahahahaha. I am so dead.
Fun thing is that later after school we are going to go shopping for formal clothes! Not that I need to buy anymore but I need a short-sleeved blouse. G2000 has up to 70% discount! Hahaha. And Isetan has a sale going on. Sales galore... Too bad can't buy to my heart's content. Limit myself mah.
Saturday is Family Day. SIA Family Day anyway. Finally after a long hiatus. Guess where it's held? The zoo! Ha. Haven't been there since hmm... primary school?? Can see the monyets. Hope I can forget about projects that day. I know that Sunday I have to cram everything in like studying for the real CSA test, do CSA tutorial, and do my outline. Oh shoots. It's always last minute. Dangnabbit. You know, Comm Skills will never leave me alone. It's always harassing my life. =(
K I shall stop before I get waaaaaay random. I have a habit of doing that.
Oh btw, the girls just can't get enough of jh's muscles. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Ola. I just threw away my chance of getting a decent score in FA out the window. Why? Cos I just could not understand suspense a/c. Sigh... let's just forget about it. Aniwaes, had mock CSA test. Was waaaay crappy. I knew how to do it but was v e slow. Haha. Today was v dull seeing that it was raining and freezing cold n stuff. Let me just write about yesterday.
I went out at 8 when we were supposed to meet at 8.10. Yes I know, as usual I went out late. Thank God 38 arrived just as I arrived at the bus stop. Being unlucky, I chose a seat in front of this dude who suddenly started singing at the top of his lungs, praising Jesus Christ.
I was like, what the hell?!
I am like sleepy and am trying to have a decent bus trip without any interruptions and there he goes singing like a maniac. Oklah, I respect him for praising his God but normal people don't do that in public places do they? Well I know I won't. Hell yeah I won't. And he was like singing into my ear you know???? I simply reached for my mp3 and increased the volume. Hahahahahaha. So sorry if what I did was rude.
K, once arrived there was surprised to know that there were senior citizens participating. WOW. I am impressed. Am sure that I won't be like them when I grow old. So, we just have to simply open the umbrella, close the umbrella, squat and stuff like that. Hahaha. All that for 10 seal points. Worth it. Hahahaha.
Finished at like 11. Went eastpoint to buy lunch since everyone went out. Bought carrot cake which I later regretted. V sweet. Eeeagh. Sat at home diam-diam. Studied for like 30 minutes then stared into the four yellow walls of my room. Felt like sleeping but didn't want to so watched tv. Watched tv until big sis came home. She asked me to call pizza cos she was hungry. So happy! I called and waited. Pizza and shepherd's pie came and I ate. Hahahaha. FOC mah. Sis paying, not me. I have no idea how I managed to pack in 5 slices of pizza. Guess I was starving. Hehehehe.
Guess that was it. I did absolutely nothing at night. Thought I did want to study but dilly dally here and there until it was 10 where I watched Ugly Betty. Then I slept. Earliest time I slept in weeks. Ha.
And I guess that is where my blog entry comes to an end. Peace.
Good morning!! Haha. Got back from PPP about an hour ago. Was eating my ultra late dinner while watching tv. Finished eating, watched tv until I nodded off. I switched off tv, headed to my room to grab my towel and bathe but I decided to blog first. Hehe. As usual, everyone's asleep.
Here's what happened earlier. Woke up at 6 cos I set the alarm at that time so that I would be able to edit comm skills report one last time but I hit the snooze button until finally, I dragged my sleepy body to the bathroom at 6.45. As I was about to go in the bathroom, Mimsy forced me to have breakfast with her before she went off to school. So I sat there, hardly eating anything. Was still figuring out whether there was enough time to edit and still be able to arrive school early cos FA hmw not done. Finally, after getting ready, I thought, heck care ah, can edit at school.
So, reached school. Saw Hwee Shan on the bridge. Dalina, Mag, Kah Yee, Timothy and Ryan were already there. So I sat down and did FA. Ended up feverishly copying people. Hopeless me. Went FA lecture and tutorial, bla bla... same ol' stuff. Breaktime came and that was when panic set in. We had it all under control when suddenly the computer couldn't locate the colour printer. Crap.
We went to the library to print. Long queue. I guess people also like us, last minute printing for the report. Waited for like 10 minutes till jh said to just print in the lab. So we went back all the way to the lab. Wanted to print in colour, but we just couldn't. God knows why. So we rushed cos we wanted to be in time for econs lecture. In the end, me, chu wen and jh skipped lecture. We gave up on trying to be on time. Besides, the lecturer was crappy and we so didn't get the topic... Oooops. Hihi. So we took our time printing and finally, we settled everything. Sadly, our report was colourless. Die.
Went to business park to have lunch. Bought mocha. Thank god, missed coffee. After that, went to bind the report. It took only like a minute. Ha. And I thought that it would take way longer. Went to Ms Tirzah's table to find out that she wasn't in. Kinda relieved. Haha. Dumped it in the box on her table and went off.
Went to engine school to wait for the lecture to end. It was worth skipping lecture cos they said that it was v boring and we wouldn't understand anyway. Went to library to wait for tits people to go to PPP together. Copied econs notes from Cheryl and crapped with the others. Left at 6 to see Boh Boh about POM project. Bla bla... he said something which I forgot.
Once done, I went off to itas to meet Zakiah, Amalina, Haikal and Hanafi. Cam-whored during the mrt trip. Actually, Amalina and Hanafi did most of it. I was like kinda drained from trying to get the comm skills report done. After PPP, had ice fruit cocktail at Lau Pa Sat. Wanted to buy food but was dead broke. Used allowance to pay ticket. I forgot to bring money for that. Dangnabbit. And bla bla... the story goes... my eyes really feel heavy. Time to bathe and sleep. God, Monday there's FA test and csa test. So it's studying for me Saturday. Btw, Sunday is NDP rehearsal. Have to bring big umbrella. Wth. Like old people like that. Wahaha. No offence people. K guess that's all. Too bad it's too long. HARHARHARHAR...
Today was a very pissful day. Don't even know if there's such a word. Whatever. Had to see her face early in the morning which ruined my Tuesday. And as usual she picks on our group. She was so giving me a hard time. I swear I will do anything to get back at her. Revenge is sweet.
And the object of my anger is none other than my computer and blasted internet connection. Macam nak lempar atas ke bawah computer aku dengan modem2 sekali. Thank god my lappy is here for me!! *Grins* Aniwaes, going crazy with projects and tutorials. More craziness courtesy of Boh Boh who pushed POM tutorial forward to tomorrow. Wth. All this madness and lack of sleep which acumulates to 20 hrs equals to raging headache. And I mean really raging. Its like thumping against my brain, making me feel tipsy. Serious man.
Studying in front of the computer. Hmm...whole new experience. I am such a multi tasker. Haha. I need some TLC for myself. Harhar. Poor me. Btw, gonna watch Simpsons with lil sis. Just the two of us. Sister bonding. Being v random. Dunno why. I like. My pasal ah. So, here's to late night studying and cramming everything in 1 hr. Toodles people.
Ha. I got that song!!! Finally. Courtesy of Chu Wen. Thanks alot babe. Btw, gave up on preparing the comm skills speech thingy. Will do it during break. I just realised that I have been blogging religiously. Ha. This I think is temporary. Next thing you know I'll blog once a week. Hope Lady Luck's always by my side. Cos I think mama kinda mad I am going online frequently and staying up late till like 2. Ha. Was one hot, draggy and boring Sunday. Ah well, school tomorrow. Hope Chu Wen remembers to bring econs notes for me to copy and hope I remember to remind her tomorrow. And hope I remember to top up my prepaid. Dangnabbit. Was supposed to do that earlier. Whatever. Slacking like no one's business...
My wish is fulfilled! Hah. Went for my long overdue shopping trip. Needed stuff. So off I went with my mama n Mimsy. Headed to Geylang first. Needed to buy materials to make my Hari Raya clothes. Once done, I persuaded mama to go Bugis. Haha. Went crazy there. Finally bought a vest after waiting for the green light from mama. Heh. Searched for formal presentation outfit. Searched high and low until I finally found it! Soooo happy. Got home and crashed back to reality cos I realised that I have yet to do csa, do findings for comm skills and write out the speech.
I'm
So
Screwed...
Have to do the graphs and pie charts for the findings. Thanks a lot. At least I understand what the csa tutorial is talking about. Can I just be attacked with laryngitis come Monday? Than I can escape the clutches of the speech. Haha.
I feel so guilty. Feel bad. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored. Maybe I should have just replied with a hello. Sigh... feel so evil. Serious. It's nagging in my head cos it's my fault and I did wrong. I wanted to say hello but I dunno... Still sorting myself out. Almost done. Confident by Monday I will be a normal person. Will not be paranoid. Promise myself that the next time I will not ignore. Go away guilty feeling... =(
It's another round of blanking out and doodling around with the Internet and blogging this Monday. Yup, csa tutorial. Will try to focus. Exams coming up. Duh. As if no one realised.
... Hana is so bad and evil...
Hey ppl. Its like 2 in the morning. Couldn't sleep so decided to go blog. Am stuck on 'Face Down' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. The lyrics are like meaningful. Anyone got it?? Haha. Aniwaes came back from GetSlim Day. Didn't know that being a referee is tiring. Or maybe that I had only 4 hrs to sleep? Hehe. Whatever. Was like yawning non stop the whole day. Econs lecture was pure crap. I simply blanked out, dozed off and copied the notes blindly for 2 torturous hours. He did not use powerpoint to teach. Purely transparencies. Yawn... Due to us coming in late, got sucky seat that had a bad view so ya, made the lecture worse.
Wanted to plug in to mp3 but my earpiece that was so rabak made it impossible. But good news! Replaced it with a new one! Am one happy chick! Tired of listening to mp3 with only one ear. Heh. I know, pathetic. One earpiece was like on the verge of being pulled out of the wire. You know me, cannot be able to jaga my thingys properly.
Had kfc for my ultra late dinner. Actually, to think of it, been having a lot of late dinners lately. I bet Jun Hong is mocking me 'cos I am breaking my no-eating-after-7 rule. I don't care. Hunger comes first. Harhar. But seriously, you guys should adopt that rule. It's good for you. God, now I can't sleep. My sleeping time is all messed up. Managed to kick that dark cloud off my pretty lil head. Hah. Shall not mention sad thingys today. I am happy. It's like Saturday. In 4 hrs, I have to wake up to face the world again. Shall do csa n comm skills presentation followed by the comm skills report. Ugh. Weekend spend doing things that I hate.
Fyi, I lost 20 hrs of sleep in 5 days. Wonder how I'll be making up for that. Eye bags beginning to show. Die die... I'll look like a panda Melayu. Feel like just snoring in bed for the weekend and not doing anything. Except sleep. Luxury man. K whatever. Oh and people still connect me with Rihanna when they hear my name.
"Your name's Rayhana? Sounds like Rihanna, you know the one with the Umbrella song..."
LAME K!!!!! My name is unique. Try finding a person with the same name. Doubt you'll get results. Thanks to my parents for that name. K shall try to fall asleep. Thank god for my lappy that I can lug it around when I feel like blogging. No more being confined to the computer. I can like blog on my bed. Haha. Jaqun. Kesian. Typical Hana. Thinking of changing skin... In consideration... nites all...
Yessa. Haha. Finished FA. Miracle man. Took 7 hrs to do. U noe why?
4-4.15: Did FA diligently.
4.15-4.30: Blanked out.
4.30-6.30: Zzzzz....
6.30-7.30: Prayed, bathed.
7.30-11.30: Continued FA plus yakked on the phone with Chu Wen, about FA.
So ya, finally finished. No more doing it during FA lecture. Gotta buck up man. Aniwaes, CSA lecture was bearable surprisingly. I actually understood it!! Routers n stuff. Tomorrow is GetSlim Day. I am like the referee for captain's ball. No idea how to do that. I am such a noob in sports. Haha. Whatever. Super hungry now. What to do?
Saturday is the day where I shop like mad!! Going to buy this outfit I've been dying for. Then look around for formal thingys to wear for presentation. Speaking of which, I just remembered that I have yet to pen my speech for comm skills. Dangnabbit. N my grp members havent passed me their parts for the report. Ah well, take ur time. She's not worth rushing things for. She deserves it.
K this is like random but I realise that I take 15 minutes to plan what to wear for skool. It's hard being a girl. What not with all the emotional baggage. Btw, that lil devil just wont go away. Yups, its the dark cloud. I try to run away from it but it just sticks to me. Blimey, I force myself to be happy cos when I am happy, I will forget about that dark cloud. Just dont wanna have a meltdown. Its awful. Experienced before. So to A05, the Hana u see is just the happy version of the real her. I really try to be happy. But too much inside me. Memories of being pushed around, treated like a fool, bla bla...the list goes on. Hopefully, it can be erased. Whatever it is n whenever it is, I'll wait. N wait... in the meantime, gotta stop tearing...
Dark Cloud Hanging Over Me...
Hey ppl. Frustrating day. After waiting for 2 hrs, I eventually found out that there was no tits (fyi, tits is titisan). So, just sat around watching the ppl involved in PPP rehearse. Went home around 7 something. Had dinner, which meant breaking my rule of not eating after 7. Topped it all off with strawberry cheesecake. Haha. Bayar niat.
Aniwaes, watched Die Hard 4.0 yesterday. Oklah, full of violence. Nice. It was a last minute decision to watch it. Was hanging around in the library when the decision was made. Had a cam-whoring session. Haha. Laughed like no tomorrow at Cheryl's expense of course. So sorry for that. Cant help myself. That dark cloud hanging over my head disappeared yesterday. But now its back.
Cant shake it off. Dont noe why its there. V sad u noe. When I am with my frennies, I am so happy. When I am by myself, depression sets in. Why?! I am such a freak. Too bad I have to write such things but yeah its the truth n this is my blog so I write what I want. Been having this dark cloud recently. Still figuring out where it came from. I wonder, will it reach that step where I start to break down? Hmm...
Haha. Morning ppl. Lets c. In e lab now, as usual, he teaching I blanking. What a nice Monday. It was a windy day. Yada yada yada... I feel strangely hollow. Why?? I woke up n wham!! That empty feeling hit me like a missile. Forced myself to eat breakfast. Missed the bus AGAIN so had to wait 15 minutes. Toots ah. Waited for the lab to open cos there was no key. Pfft. Waited like 10 minutes. My life is full of unnecessary waiting. Bugger. So Hana is very hollow today... Sob sob...
Sighs. Here I am again. Head whizzing man. I am done doing Comm Skills. I aint gonna let a certain teacher pull me down with her criticisms. I mean, other teachers give constructive comments about your work but with this certain teacher, its e opposite. Aniwaes, forget about this teacher. I would like to apologise to Cheryl for teasing her and making up all the crappy stories. Its all for fun. So, I am very sorry from the bottom of my heart. I just realised that I have to be more matured.
Kk, lets stop being somber. K so I was goin home from IG meeting rite?As if it was bad enough I had to wait like 15 minutes for 38 to come, the bus reeked of vomit! Cos there was vomit splayed all over the floor. Bloody hell. N my mp3's battery had drained so there I was, in the bus that smelled of puke n with nothin to hear. What a bad night.
Nothing much 'cept that its the weekends! Hell ya! Contemplating whether to go kacau those working at the computer fair tmw at Marina Square or not. Maybe before going off to dinner at simpang bedok!! Hehe. Dats all folks!
Ola People!!
Hey glorious ppl!! My very own blog after eons have passed. N guess wat? I did it all by myself. Yup, lil ol me!! So when was the last time i had a blog?? Hmm... 3yrs ago? Haha. I am so computer-illiterate. KK. I am overcome with joy. Today shall b embedded in my mind. Its an accomplishment.
Aniwaes. Lovin my life. It rox. Lurve my class. I noe cheryl agrees. Rite Cheryl? Haha. In 1 n 1/2 hrs time, The whole class is goin 4 TPSU meeting(nearly all). The class is so united. How can u not love them?? Aniwaes(again), we r in e library. Class finished like abt 5 hrs ago. Been here since. Freezin my beautiful butt off. Haha. Chu chu n Ken doin FA. E rest... just blanking n sitting around. I am here blogging happily. Haha. Life is great... K i noe u guys are sick of my euphoria. Haha. Its contagious. Been overly happy since i met Cheryl. N this class. She is so easy to bully. I feel like a big sis to her. U noe, with her being small-sized and childish attitude which I so love. Speaking of Cheryl, she's not here yet. I think she went shopping in Bugis. Uncontactable. All I hear is the stupid French song. Sabrina is celebrating her mom's b'day.
I think that is all. Cant think of anything else to write. Till then, Ciao! Hana loves u!!!!!